Aibu to not want dd to call MIL mama?

[etotheb]

So my sister in law children call my mother in law "mama". My husband made it clear in the beginning that he didn't feel comfortable with it and we wouldn't be following the tradition.

Now fast forward 16 months and my dd has started calling me mama as babies do lol.. last night at her house my toddler was walking in the corridor shouting mama and just before she opened the door to come to me I heard mil interrupt my toddler and said "no thats mum, I'm mama, mama mama mama"

She is quite overbearing and will refuse to say "my grandchildren" she will say "my daughter, my child" etc so I think she's refusing to acknowledge she isn't the only mother around?

Aibu to not want this to happen?

I know someone who insists on her grandchildren calling her 'Meema'. Most overbearing person I've ever met.

I’m from a part of the Midlands where grans are called mama (pronounced like the word for mother) and mums are called mum or mam. Both of you are being unreasonable - your dd should be allowed to use any form of mum / gran she wants with either of you.

teddybear45

To be honest if dd decides in the future she wanted to call her mama than whatever but I just don't want to teach her that someone else is mama I can't say it because it's weird to me and we are in London

Oh yes because a 1~2yo is able to chose how they want to call ether grandmother lol.

Thais child will call the MIL what they are told to call her. Because they are learning to talk.

'Wow MIL, can you believe that little Daisy is big enough to call people by name now! So what do you want her to call you, Granny, Grandma or Nana? Obviously it can't be Mama like the others use since that what she calls me'.

Job done.

I’d give her 6 options:-

Granny
Nana
Nanny
Nan
Grandma
“Your grandmother who we don’t see any more as she didn’t respect our boundaries”.

YANBU.

"oh she will soon call you mum and call me mama like the cousins"

Please just tell her no, the kids will not be calling her mama and if necessary limit how much they see her. She sounds like she doesn't respect your boundaries. I'd tell her in front of you dh and without the children there.

"...said dd will get jealous that her cousins are allowed to call her mama and she can't and will hate me..."

I think the fact she is saying this potentially damaging stuff is very bad. Maybe it was aid as a joke. But if so, a nasty joke.

said

Your dd will call your MIL what she hears you and your dh calling her. So decide at this stage what you can live with (Gramama?) and consistently refer to her as this.

I was also going to mention the Derbyshire thing, pronounced Mamaa (first a short, second a long) but haven't read the whole thread yet. Nana is also pronounced nanaa here, although not in my own family.

I am in 2 minds here.. As actually I think it is the grandparents choice to decide what they wish to be called and as this thread shows Mama is a possible variation of Grandma. However living in the SE for me mama is more set up as mother too. Having said that DH called his grandmother for Mamon as that was her choice...

I can see both sides.

@Teddybear45 I’m from the midlands too and have never heard of that in my life! It’s nanny/nana/granny/grandma. You cannot expect a 16 month old to decide what to call her gran if she’s being coerced by said gran to call her mama.
And in the part where I’m from/live in the mids, it’s mom not mum.

Anyway, OP, you and DH decide what YOUR DD call your MiL.

"...said dd will get jealous that her cousins are allowed to call her mama and she can't and will hate me..." is such bullshit and horrible she's said that to you. My kids and their cousins use entirely different names for their shared set of grandparents, I often called my grandparents different names than my (many) cousins did, none of us cared.

Show her this clip

My mum tried this with DD1, I stopped her.
With her, it was mostly to do with not feeling old enough to be a grandma and that it was unglamorous! She chose a made-up name that is similar and now tells everyone a convoluted story about how DD1 chose to call her that because “grandma’s are boring and you’re not a grandma....”
She was 56 when DD1 was born.
She has been a lovely grandma, but occasionally overstepped.
YANBU - definitely sabotage this.

If it’s an age thing, there are so many other options. For example, Kris Jenner is called Lovey by her GC. It’s definitely weird, and needs nipped in the bud now or she will eventually push you and DD away.
Reminds me of that Philippa Gregory book that was a TV series years ago - The Little House. Worth a watch. Maybe recommend to MiL so she knows how it ends if she doesn’t back off??

Hey comment about your DD hating you says you have bigger issues with your MIL than her name.

Fwiw DS1 calls his Gran a totally different name to the rest of his cousins and it doesn’t bother him at all

My PILs are called Mama and Papa by all their many DGC EXCEPT for mine. I didn’t want that. It felt odd. They have (in my opinion) more appropriate titles for GPs as far as my children are concerned. It caused a little tension to start with, including with SILs, but they all got used to it eventually. I don’t think my DC find it odd to use different names from their cousins as they’ve always known it that way and I’m glad I stamped down on it from the outset. I hope yours come round too OP - in your case it feels like a test of power somehow and definitely worth persevering with! 💐

Didn't you post about this a few weeks ago?

I wonder why she wants to be called,"Mama". I suppose as her other grandchildren call her that she'd like yours to do the same so they all 'match'.

It's up to you and your husband to decide what his mum should be called by your little one and she will have to put up with it.

@TrainsandDiggers

Oh wow how did you manage to get your children to call them something different? Did the grandparents agree or did they really have no say and you just taught them?

And yep I think it is also a big power play with my in-laws as well! Sister in law actually said she would have never allowed her mother in law to be called mama (only her mum) and she harshly disciplined her kids when they called the other grandma "mum" after hearing the dad cal her that!
So funny how she's not understanding me then lol!!!

Your dh sorts this shot or you do. By staying away.

Hey! I knew it would be an issue before my children were even born, so when we announced first pregnancy, my DH spoke to them almost immediately and said, “look, I know this might seem awkward given that we’re not the first to give you GC, and we don’t want to hurt your feelings, but we BOTH feel quite strongly that Mama and Papa means Mum and Dad, and we’d BOTH prefer it if our children could call you by other names”. He was so firm but fair in how he said it, they couldn’t really argue at the time. He said that could be called anything else they wanted to and to give it some thought. They eventually picked g’ma and g’pa (same as my parents!!) so we just went along with their pettiness and now call them g’ma and g’pa (my maiden name) and g’ma and g’pa (my married name). It has actually worked well in the event, as all GPs are on an equal footing title-wise. We got a few snidey comments from SILs initially (“oh you had to do something different didn’t you?” Etc) and I still get my FIL in particular referring to MIL as “mama”, but we just ride over it (e.g. “yes that’s right, give the cup to G’ma, sweetheart”). Tbh, I think the SILs might be envious that we didn’t go along with it. They have all got bored with picking at this now though. Very best of luck to you - I think if your DH could tackle it, it will feel much easier for you and less of an attack on them x

I normally think it's up to the grandparent what they are called unless, like your MiL they are overstepping boundaries.

But it's easy for you to indoctrinate teach your child what you want them to use.

You just make sure you repeat Granny/Grandma/Nanny/Old Bag all the time till it's second nature to them.

Grandparents of our little one refer to her as "my baby" or "my girl" and I'll be honest being a pfb, I was peeved for the first few weeks but as she got bigger, I began to relax and realise it was coming from a place of total love and I'd just been feeling territorial naturally enough.

I think if you're uncomfortable with it, then raise it and do as previous poster suggested and offer options of what names she could be called and do explain that it will confuse her as these terms all new to her.