Am I being touchy or is this wrong?

[KipperCuddlingGrimbots]

It's long and I apologise. It may not make much sense but I'm partly ranting - so I am sorry.

Earlier on today DDad went to the cemetery to lay some flowers at the spot where my DMums ashes are buried.
It's the first time he has felt strong enough to go (it's been 10 months since her cremation) and he had psyched himself to be there.
We are both still very much struggling with her death and the circumstances surrounding it - I tried to revive her and I cannot get that moment out of my head. It swims round constantly.

He wandered round the area we chose for her final resting place and couldn't see her name anywhere, so visited the 'reception' area to check where her plot was.
The gentleman double checked with him that he had the right name (?!) and then told him to wait in the side room.

Turns out that my mums ashes haven't even been planted yet. It's been 10 MONTHS. She has been in the 'storage area' for 10 months.
I'm utterly furious. She hasn't been put to rest and has been left in what is effectively storage - I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day.

We chose her plot, one right near trees and a stream, she'd have loved it. That plot is now gone. And my mum has been in storage.

I feel like I need to complain or just tell someone. I stopped myself from phoning earlier because of how angry I was and it wouldn't have been fair for whoever picked up the phone.
But would it be wrong to call on Monday and kick up a stink?
Surely that is absolutely no way to treat someone in death - my poor dad was heartbroken when he was told, standing with a bunch of her favourite flowers but couldn't lay them.
It's sent me back into a spiral too.

That sounds horrendous for both of you. I lost my DM very suddenly 2 years ago and think of how I sat with her while she died every day.

Is that a usual waiting time for interment? If it is, then you should have been told from the outset that she was going to be in storage for that long at the very least, not led to believe that you’d picked a plot she was going to get and placed in imminently.

If she was just forgotten about that’s awful.

Both scenarios require a stink-kicking, especially the latter.

Goodness that must be very stressful. Do you have any paperwork about where your mum's ashes should go?
I'm very sorry for your loss

That's disgusting! You poor things! I would complain and report to local press to help others from ending up being treated as badly.

Could you take the ashes away and find a spot to scatter them together?

Aww that awful and can see why it has affected you both deeply i would check the cemetery t and c because if you have payed for a plot ( which sounds loverly ) and where then inable to use it as it has been taken you should recive some kind of refund . It is definitely unacceptable and you are well within your rights to ring on Monday

I don’t understand - if you chose the plot didn’t you have to pay for it? How could it now be taken?
If they sold? Reassigned? her plot then I guess they had no place to put her. Definitely call for an explanation.

@ElphabaTheGreen I'm sorry you've also been through this pain.

We were led to believe that she'd be put to rest within 2 weeks. I understand these things take time but 10 months is beyond a joke.
My dad has said that by the way the man at the counter was confirming her name, it sounds as though she was forgotten.

@Brefugee Thank you. We have the paperwork in storage, as I say it's been too difficult for either of us to visit the cemetery until now. I really didn't expect this sort of thing to happen 

@Isittheend That's my other thought. If my mum has just been chucked to the side how many others have just been left to rest in storage. I don't see how, in any circumstance, that would be ok.

@Dottysmum18 Everything for the cremation (including the plot) was paid for - through the funeral directors. We gave no money directly to the crematorium, but we paid the funeral directors £££ to ensure that we had that plot. They showed us a 'map' type thing and we had to pick the number we wanted.
I have a feeling to take them now

@Pipandmum We paid entirely though the funeral directors, but we ensured that in that price we had the plot we wanted. We paid extra for it. Now someone else is there and she's been left in (effectively) a cupboard. I don't know what happened.

Didn’t you have any paperwork or confirmation about process etc when you picked the plot?

I’m so sorry for your loss, and of course when someone dies you might not know the steps usually taken, but it is unusual to think the interrment would have happened without you being advised? Has no one checked or visited the cemetery at all?

We've had no communication from the crematorium.
I imagined that if anything had gone wrong, someone would've contacted me.

Nothing. I haven't changed any of my contact details - there is no excuse surely?
Even if they had nowhere to put her, why wouldn't they've called?

You're not being touchy at all - that must have been horrendous for both you and your dad.

It does seem that there has been some kind of miscommunication though as the process of burying her ashes had begun - with you choosing the plot - but then nothing else happened for some reason. Bizarrely, some families do leave their loved ones' ashes in storage, quite deliberately. You should have completed paperwork, made payment and agreed a day and time for the burial. Sometimes families have a short service when ashes are buried.

Be kind to yourselves over the weekend and try to get over the shock and upset of today. Phone or maybe email would be easier, on Monday, and start by asking if someone can tell you why your DM's ashes haven't been buried and what needs to happen now.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for this terribly upsetting discovery.

@NoSquirrels All the paperwork is in storage. We received everything from the funeral directors. We determined the spot, we paid extra for it.
I don't see what more we needed to do.
Once she was cremated we spoke to the funeral directors at the time about when her ashes were to be planted and they said 'within two weeks' - no one advised that we could be there whilst they 'planted' them.

We haven't been back no. It's only now we're starting to feel ready to see her name on the plaque.

Could we have been there? Is that normal?

Sorry, you posted while I was typing.

Sounds like this is down to the undertakers' not doing what they were meant to do. I'd get in touch with them on Monday and ask why they haven't made the arrangements as agreed months ago.

I'm starting to get really upset now. I've really let her down.

No one advised us that we could be there if I'd been told this wouldn't have happened. I could've checked.

Yes, normal to be offered the chance to go and have a short service at the cemetery. Not everyone wants to, but the option is usually offered.

Had you chosen the wording for a plaque?

This is breaking my heart.

@NoSquirrels Yes, we'd chosen. Just things about her being a wife, mum and nanny and that she was finally free.
That's what my dad was looking for today.

That is absolutely awful, I am so sorry. I’d maybe write a letter or email to send on Monday and try to have someone with you when you discuss it in person, as this is obviously so deeply personal and upsetting.
I also think you shouldn’t have had to check up or verify this, it should surely have happened. It’s also still very raw and understandable that visiting a resting place isn’t the way everyone grieves.
I am so sorry, hope you and your father are alright after that awful shock

God that made my heart drop

I’m so sorry I can’t offer advice because honestly I would be kicking up some kind of tear/snot ridden stink. Even though I like to think I wouldn’t, I probably would. I hope you get answers!

This sounds really upsetting. Do you have a friend or family member who would take the complaint forward on your behalf? I just wonder whether doing it yourself may add to your stress and upset.

Oh, pet. You've not let your mum down. Please don't get upset, although I can understand why you are.

Speak to the undertakers to find out what's happened and now, if you feel you want to, you could have a short service.

I'm starting to get really upset now. I've really let her down.

Please don’t be upset. I know it feels that way, but you really haven’t let her down.

Many, many families have ashes stored for months and years for all sorts of reasons. It doesn’t say anything about how loved they were, truly.

You will get this sorted and have a lovely place to remember your mum at. Perhaps new you and your dad are feeling more able to visit you will appreciate the possibility of having a little remembrance service when the ashes are interred. That wouldn’t have been the case before now.

be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

It is utterly disgusting an not on at all. I would imagine grief and upset if masking your anger as you have the right to be absolutely livid. Your poor dad.

This will sounds weird but I am quite spiritual and the only thing I can think that might be is that you didn't get that plot because she wants a different one for her ashes to be laid. You gave them instructions which they did not follow. If it were me I would ask which other plots are available, and look into other options too. You never know, something amazing might come up.

Either way, still give them an earful for not doing their job and following instructions!!

Also agree with earlier poster that it might be an idea to get another family member/friend to complain to them. I know I would be too emotional. Make sure they kick up a real stink!!!

We left my grandma "in storage". We knew that grandad didn't have long left and we wanted them to be together at the end. She was there for about a year which was longer than we thought - but that was our choice. It must be terribly hard to find that things didn't happen as you thought. Remember that this is about your feelings though. She won't be upset.
By all means complain, especially to avoid this happening to other people, but try not to dwell on it too much.

Thank you for all your messages.

The thought that I should've been offered a service for her and that they've let me down so badly with her ashes makes me feel sick.
I just couldn't wait to get that day over and done with - it hurt me so much to even think like that but I struggled.

I couldn't save her life and I couldn't bury her properly.

I will chase up on Monday definitely. I just don't even know where to start with it all, I don't know who to get angry at. I just want to shout and scream at the world.
I haven't grieved yet and I feel as though this is bringing everything to the surface.

@anon812 I hope that is the case. I tried to pick the perfect spot for her final rest, maybe she had other ideas.

I agree that the funeral home you arranged all this with is your first port of call since they were the ones who gave you assurances about the plot, time duration and took your money. It sounds like someone there cocked up hugely, or they’re dodgy operators (NOT your fault and NOT something you could possibly have known). Aren’t funeral homes often open weekends? Is it worth trying them Sunday to get the ball rolling?

I do really feel like I let her down.

I tried to revive her, couldn't. And now this. I can't think now what I actually have done right.
My head is swimming