Am I being touchy or is this wrong?

[KipperCuddlingGrimbots]

It's long and I apologise. It may not make much sense but I'm partly ranting - so I am sorry.

Earlier on today DDad went to the cemetery to lay some flowers at the spot where my DMums ashes are buried.
It's the first time he has felt strong enough to go (it's been 10 months since her cremation) and he had psyched himself to be there.
We are both still very much struggling with her death and the circumstances surrounding it - I tried to revive her and I cannot get that moment out of my head. It swims round constantly.

He wandered round the area we chose for her final resting place and couldn't see her name anywhere, so visited the 'reception' area to check where her plot was.
The gentleman double checked with him that he had the right name (?!) and then told him to wait in the side room.

Turns out that my mums ashes haven't even been planted yet. It's been 10 MONTHS. She has been in the 'storage area' for 10 months.
I'm utterly furious. She hasn't been put to rest and has been left in what is effectively storage - I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day.

We chose her plot, one right near trees and a stream, she'd have loved it. That plot is now gone. And my mum has been in storage.

I feel like I need to complain or just tell someone. I stopped myself from phoning earlier because of how angry I was and it wouldn't have been fair for whoever picked up the phone.
But would it be wrong to call on Monday and kick up a stink?
Surely that is absolutely no way to treat someone in death - my poor dad was heartbroken when he was told, standing with a bunch of her favourite flowers but couldn't lay them.
It's sent me back into a spiral too.

I agree that this is not meant to be your Mum's final resting place. You can together with your Dad find an even more beautiful place.

It does warrant a complaint though...terrible of them!

Forget it now. Move towards finding the best place.

Having lost the plot you had chosen is the main problem. Follow that up, choose another plot.
Your mum is 'at rest' no matter where her remains are stored.
You haven't let her down.

My mum's ashes are in her old dressing table, in her bedroom, waiting for my dad's ashes. My dad is alive and well. We talked about this yesterday and neither of us find it odd or spooky that her ashes are there. It's just practical.

My mum is on a shelf in a lovely wooden owl urn in her granny flat. My DSs wave at her and say, ‘Hi nana!’ when they go in to get their bikes. I haven’t the faintest idea what my long term plan is for her, as I’m hardly expecting my DSs to have nana keep gathering dust once I’m gone!

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You couldn’t revive her but you were there. It was an incredibly distressing time for you but perhaps it was a great comfort to her to have you there?

As others have said perhaps this wasn’t the perfect resting place for your Mum. I bet you and your Dad find the perfect spot.

I would still raise a really serious complaint with the crematorium.

Would it help to think of her waiting for you until you and your dad were ready to go to cemetery? You said that on the day of her cremation you just wanted to get it over with. Now some time has passed, you were able to take flowers there. She has has been peacefully waiting for you to come to the cemetery so that you can all be together for a short service at another beautiful place that you can choose for her.

You haven't let her down. Sometimes things don't go to plan, and sometimes that's because what can happen instead is just as good or better.

I could not find my mothers final resting place either. It’s an awful feeling like complete desolation. I did eventually sort it out which was very comforting. I am sure this will happen to you also hopefully. Be strong.

My dearest, most wonderful friend and only sibling's ashes have been stuck on a dusty shelf for 3 years as their other half 'can't bear to part with them' - so no closure for me and the rest of the family

KipperCuddlingGrimbots

Please please don't beat yourself up too much about this please!

Can I suggest that someone else goes there to the cemetry and checks that there hasn't been an almighty mix up with the name perhaps it wasn't transcribed properly?

Also not every medic is sucessfull at reviving someone, its not quite like it is on the telly reality is sometimes far harsher.

If she still is there do you really think she'd blame you for what happened or possibly didn't happen?

She has a fantactic caring daughter from what I've read thus far now please try to see reason a bit and calm yourself please?

I too have a rather sad story about some ashes. We took over a industrial unit some years ago now and I was cleaning out what we thought was junk and there was a woden box with someones name theron and the date he died. We were taken aback and made as many enquires as we could and it seems that no one know who this poor man was.

In the end the local vicar begrudgingley let us bury them in his churchyard, but we had no means of making a memorial and no one the poxy company we were working for didnt care at all in fact we were bolicked for "wasting time"

I always regret about not doing more, in the end we conciulded that someone somewhere had a house clearance done and somehow his box got mixwd up with other stuff and that was probally how it came about. We also thought that he may have died some distance away as ther was no record of him poor sod so he's there buried in a church yard in a Fenland town and no one knows he's there apart from me and another .

RIP you poor forgotten soul..

Thank you again for your kind words.

I just need a good cry to get this out of my system before I get angry.
You've all been so kind though, thank you for offering your different perspectives on her being left too.
I can only think of it as that at the moment. Like I've just left her.

I'll be kicking up a huge fuss. This has stirred up so much in me and my poor dad, he couldn't face throwing away her favourite flowers so brought them home with him. Looking at those flowers hurts. It all hurts. My poor dad looked crestfallen holding them.
Like a hollow feeling & a constant lump in my throat.

@darkcloudsandsunnyskies I'm sorry you've gone through this also, I hope you're ok.
@Justaboy That is utterly heartbreaking. God.

I am trying to reason with myself that it's not my fault.
Right now, there isn't anyone else to blame.

I'm confused. You choose a plot then are asked if you want to attend the internment (spelling?). We chose a plot for my Dad then the funeral Director said do you want to be there at the ashes internment. My mother went with a friend as I couldn't face it after the cremation ceremony. Sounds like a miscommunication somewhere. Sorry for your loss OP.

Your poor Dad, OP. I feel so sad for him.

I hope you get it all sorted asap.

You sound like an amazing daughter Crematorium on the other hand...

I would seriously be laying a complaint.

Your feelings about guilt, letting her down etc are normal.

Fwiw when my dad died I tried to revive him (I was only a teenager and thought I put my school first aid to use!), I carried around the guilt for a long time that I couldn't save him. It is so hard reason with yourself, even after we got the post mortem back and it basically said there was no way I could have save him, I still struggled to process that there was nothing I could do.

20yrs down the line I have come to terms with his death, and what happened. But I had to grieve properly process his death.

I agree that you need to start with the funeral director. It sounds like they have not communicated with the crematorium.

If it's any comfort at all, even in a hospital with skilled medics the survival rate for CPR to hospital discharge is only 10.4%.

I know how traumatic resusscitation is. Please consider seeing your GP or seeking counselling. The flashbacks you describe sound like PTSD (which I'm diagnosed with). Please look after yourself in all this .

Grief can cloud logic sometimes but what has happened is they have been completely incompetent at their jobs and have caused upset and stress which was totally unnecessary and from the sounds of things they have not been apologetic, helpful or tried to somehow make their stupid mistake a little better. They are 100% to blame not you. You will look back on this in a few years time in horror at how bad some people are at their jobs! I honestly find it bizarre why some people work in certain industries- if you aren't an empathetic and understanding person then go and work in coding not in the funeral industry (no offence to people who work in coding and obviously being a coder and being empathetic aren't mutually exclusive but you get my point...)

Was in a similar scenario when we buried my Nan a few years ago. Had picked out the perfect plot in its own little area dappled in sunlight and to cut a long story short there was a similar mess-up, lost that one and picked a new one. I remember thinking at the time the new plot wasn't exactly bad but I didn't like it as much as the original one. It was kind of in the middle of things and due to being a funny angle, was closer than I would have chosen to another headstone that had bits of moss on it. The owner of the headstone in question had died about 10 years previously and I remember thinking I would quite like to polish it and get all the moss off so she was next to a nice and new-looking one! After the service on the way home it suddenly clicked- that headstone belongs to the girl she grew up next door to 50+ years ago- she wanted to be next to her friend! Also she did love to be centre of attention so makes sense she would be in the middle of everything.

Those we have lost never really leave us and it took me a long time to work that one out. You and your dad will find a beautiful plot for her and she will love it. I do hope that whoever made that mistake acknowledges the upset they have caused you both and shows that they are sincerely sorry for it x

You haven't let your mum down. Honestly you haven't. I can promise you that she's having a right old giggle about the mix up.

So .... the interment (burial of ashes) is normally organised by the Funeral Director following the family's wishes and it's normal to have clergy there to say a few words (although the funeral director can also do this) plus the family is also there - when the interment happens.

In the UK the interment is another little ceremony usually a few weeks/months after the actual funeral

Please - and this bears repeating - believe me when I say you have NOT let your mum down

Phone the funeral directors today and find out what has happened. You pay them thousands and they need to get this stuff absolutely right first time, but there could have been some miscommunication.

I would have a ‘script’ written down so I didn’t forget to say anything because of being upset (and I would be upset as you are). You need to know:
What happened?
How can they put it right?

As long as you are able to get your points across I wouldn’t worry about being emotional. They will recognise this has had an impact on you and should be understanding.
I hope this gets resolved for you and your Dad in a way that doesn’t further compound your distress

I couldn't save her life and I couldn't bury her properly.

Oh, lovely.

It wasn't your fault that she died. It's probable that no one could have saved her life. And it's not your fault that the crematorium hasn't buried her yet. You thought it was all arranged. You trusted the professionals you dealt with to keep their word and do their jobs. You have done nothing wrong.

When you feel stronger, write to the crematorium, the undertakers, and copy your MP saying what's happened, and how hurtful it was to discover how they have failed you. They must put this right now.

Appalling, appalling, appalling

YANBU

Please don’t blame yourself, you didn’t fail your Mum. My Uncle died last year and paramedics couldn’t revive him. It’s not like it’s portrayed on the television. I know through my work that the number of people who are revived is small and of those, a large percentage don’t survive

I do understand the guilt though. My Dad died of cancer and I felt so guilty that I couldn’t save him. The bloody oncologists couldn’t save him so it was obviously ridiculous to blame myself but grief does that to us.

What’s happened is awful and I understand you being angry and upset. You mentioned that you didn’t know you could be there for the burial of her ashes. Could you maybe arrange a lovely little service for her, once you find a suitable place? Might help you find peace and to take a small positive from this mistake, and feel like you’ve done this final lovely thing for her. It may help your Dad too.

scattering-ashes.co.uk/help-advice/interment-of-ashes/

Don't blame yourself my love, you did all you could. At least this way you can arrange to be there when they do inter your mother's ashes and your father can finally place his flowers.

When you're feeling strong enough you should definitely lodge a complaint. It's appalling that they had so little regard for a loved one.

I'm sorry this must be awful for you - but I bet your mum would be more upset that your and your dad are upset than she would be about being in storage. You have paid for something - you should ring the funeral directors on Monday and insist on this being sorted out. Demand and even better plot for the same price and tell them to sort it immediately. You are being too kind worrying about how the person on the other end of the phone will feel. And I bet they would understand. But do not feel bad about anything - you have done nothing wrong.

The one upside is that you and your father now can be present at the interment of your mother’s ashes. Plan something fitting for her. In terms of your anger and upset, remember that your mother would not have wanted you to be so distressed.