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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL - DD and FilL’s birthdays

84 replies

Songofsixpence · 26/07/2019 16:33

It’s DD’s birthday tomorrow. She’s horse mad so for her present we’ve got her tickets to a major show jumping thing tomorrow. I got the tickets yonks ago when they first came out

She’s also been taking part in a jumping competition over the last few weeks - its a series thing - you have to get clear rounds at certain heights in X amount of events in the series to qualify for the final event which is on Sunday.

It’s FiL’s 70th Birthday the middle of August. A few weeks ago MiL messaged me to say she’d spoken to DH’s siblings and they’d decided we were all going away for a weekend to celebrate as a surprise for FiL, somewhere nice with a spa and a nice restaurant - the only date they could all do was this weekend.

DH rang her, explained our plans and suggested we meet up for the big dinner on the Saturday night as the showjumping thing wasn’t a million miles away from where they were staying (which is a couple of hours away from our house) but we couldn’t stay the night as we had to be out super early on the Sunday morning

MiL kicked off massively - called DD spoiled, that FiL was ‘more important’ and all sorts. DH dealt with it and that was that

She rang last night and started having a go as soon as I picked up the phone (DH was out) what time are we getting there, we need to get there by 4pm at the latest, how dare we not stay the night at the hotel, we were ruining everything, it was FiL’s 70th and that was more important, etc, etc

WIBU to stick to my guns? FiL is lovely and it is his 70th, but then DD is very excited about tomorrow and has been working towards Sunday for weeks

OP posts:
Sunburntnoseandears · 26/07/2019 18:52

Your mil would benefit from a hard hoof in the ankle as a jolt back into reality. She doesn't get to arrange other people's lives!

IncandescentShadow · 26/07/2019 18:55

And tbh OP, theres something really distasteful about mature adults having massive birthday celebrations and tantrums about not getting their own way. Children are more appropriate to have birthday celebrations and presents for, adults have had a lot of birthdays already and should be long past the spoilt attention demanding stage.

Jamiefraserskilt · 26/07/2019 19:00

If your dd is "spoilt", who is the one throwing the tantrum?!

FamilyOfAliens · 26/07/2019 19:02

Sounds like when DH’s two brothers organised two weeks in Florida to celebrate MIL’s 70th without asking us if we wanted to go, then got upset when we didn’t want to go (hell no!).

The narrative ever since was “of course, you didn’t want to celebrate MIL’s 70th”. Arseholes.

Howlovely · 26/07/2019 19:07

"Sorry you didn't check with us first and then went ahead and booked FIL's surprise on DD's birthday when you knew we already had plans. We'll arrange something for FIL nearer his actual birthday. Enjoy."

YoTheGinPussy · 26/07/2019 19:16

I had this with an aunt. Faffed around about a family get together, when they could come and when they couldn’t. Not a special occasion either so went ahead and made plans of my own. She rings to announce the intended visit date which I couldn’t manage. ‘Well cancel’ was her response. Nope. Still remembered 15 years later as me going out deliberately to avoid seeing her.

Cosentyx · 26/07/2019 19:52

I really don't understand people well into adulthood making a big deal out of their birthday over that of a child's. Honestly, self-centred and bratty.

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/07/2019 20:10

Thanks all!

DH has had words again with her tonight.

He’s told her we’ll get there when we get there, in time for the dinner which is booked for 7pm. She’s not happy but has said ‘it will have to do’ Hmm

I don’t think she actually realised it was DD’s birthday until DH told her when we said we weren’t going. DH’s siblings definitely wouldn’t remember

It’s his 70th, so I’m more than happy to do something special, just not this weekend.

OP posts:
Ayemama · 26/07/2019 20:27

They chose to choose a date without you.
They don't get to be angry you can't make it.
The fact that she forgot her GD's birthday just makes her an even bigger arse.
Nearly every normal grandparent you ask would say the grandchild's birthday was more important.
Maybe you should forget her next birthday too

Notnownotneverever · 26/07/2019 20:32

Simple. Your DD comes first. If your in laws can’t appreciate that their own granddaughter has been working towards an important event and can’t celebrate that achievement for her then fuck them. Your DD is the most important person in your life.

strawberry2017 · 26/07/2019 20:53

I can't imagine that a decent grandad would want to ruin his DGD birthday just for him.
My dad would be furious with me if I prioritised him over my DD. He doesn't even want presents anymore because he would rather the grandkids got it. X

billybagpuss · 26/07/2019 21:00

She forgot her gds birthday???

Didntwanttochangemyname · 26/07/2019 21:38

God, she sounds like an absolute treat!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 26/07/2019 21:46

Ridiculous to arrange a big celebration like that without checking that everyone was available first. Even more ridiculous to book a birthday meal for someone whose actual birthday is a month away, on the same date as a child’s birthday.

Your MIL is selfish and bonkers.

Ihatesundays · 26/07/2019 21:54

I assume the reason they couldn’t do other weekends is because the others had plans. Bet she didn’t ask them to start cancelling them. You are just an easy target.
YANBU

Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/07/2019 21:55

To be fair, I don’t think MiL forgot her birthday - she’s always been really good with the kids birthdays. Probably just didn’t twig when the date was suggested.

FiL would hate to think DD’s birthday had been put on the back burner for him

It will be nice for DD to see them all tomorrow, especially her cousins. We live a fair distance away from them all so she doesn’t see loads of them, and they will all make a fuss of her tomorrow

It’s just MiL’s ridiculous tantrum

OP posts:
Original poster
Songofsixpence · 26/07/2019 22:09

What sort of bitter cow calls her own Grandchild spoiled for having birthday gift.

She thinks DD is spoiled as she has a pony.

DD has some SEN and really, really struggles with anxiety. Horse riding is her ‘thing’ - some days she can barely face going to school, but if you saw her hooning round a cross country course you wouldn’t think she was the same child.

We’ve been lucky enough to be able to buy her a really lovely pony.

MiL doesn’t approve - thinks horse riding is ‘stuck up’. Anything horse riding related tends to get short shrift

OP posts:
altiara · 26/07/2019 22:29

OP I hope you take a great big birthday cake for DD with candles so MIL remembers whose birthday it actually is. (Childish one covered in sweets so can’t be confused with a 70th birthday cake)

Paddingtonthebear · 26/07/2019 22:34

She is being horrible about DD. She is being demanding and unreasonable to expect you to fit in to plans that were not even discussed with you. She is making this rather unpleasant and frankly I would be tempted not to go at all until she winds her bloody neck in and apologises.

NoSauce · 26/07/2019 22:35

MIL sounds very unpleasant. Is she not very grandmotherly? I can’t imagine anyone who is would talk about their granddaughter like that.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 26/07/2019 22:40

Hope it goes ok tomorrow & that your dd has a lovely birthday.

Iloveacurry · 26/07/2019 22:44

Your MIL sounds awful. She and your DH siblings arranged a weekend away over your DD’s birthday without checking with you. Then called your DD spoiled. I’d be telling MIL to fuck off.

billybagpuss · 27/07/2019 07:25

Ah so because you have a horse weekend in her eyes that is less important than one of the other siblings doing something possibly more portable another weekend.

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 10:53

Make sure every card she ever gets now has a horse on it! (mil not just dd!).

cleanasawhistle · 27/07/2019 11:11

OP I hope your DD has a lovely birthday.

.....reminds me,a close family member got married on my sons birthday.
A year later she turns up at my house and says I have booked a weekend away for our first wedding anniversary....my son will have to stay with you....I say sorry we have our own plans as its my sons birthday ,she spat dummy out.