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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL - DD and FilL’s birthdays

84 replies

Songofsixpence · 26/07/2019 16:33

It’s DD’s birthday tomorrow. She’s horse mad so for her present we’ve got her tickets to a major show jumping thing tomorrow. I got the tickets yonks ago when they first came out

She’s also been taking part in a jumping competition over the last few weeks - its a series thing - you have to get clear rounds at certain heights in X amount of events in the series to qualify for the final event which is on Sunday.

It’s FiL’s 70th Birthday the middle of August. A few weeks ago MiL messaged me to say she’d spoken to DH’s siblings and they’d decided we were all going away for a weekend to celebrate as a surprise for FiL, somewhere nice with a spa and a nice restaurant - the only date they could all do was this weekend.

DH rang her, explained our plans and suggested we meet up for the big dinner on the Saturday night as the showjumping thing wasn’t a million miles away from where they were staying (which is a couple of hours away from our house) but we couldn’t stay the night as we had to be out super early on the Sunday morning

MiL kicked off massively - called DD spoiled, that FiL was ‘more important’ and all sorts. DH dealt with it and that was that

She rang last night and started having a go as soon as I picked up the phone (DH was out) what time are we getting there, we need to get there by 4pm at the latest, how dare we not stay the night at the hotel, we were ruining everything, it was FiL’s 70th and that was more important, etc, etc

WIBU to stick to my guns? FiL is lovely and it is his 70th, but then DD is very excited about tomorrow and has been working towards Sunday for weeks

OP posts:
ithinkiammelting · 26/07/2019 17:11

Oh I hate this. It's happened in my family too - they all plan a big family event and then present us with the date and assume we can drop everything and come. They never include us in the planning stage or check whether we are free or not on particular dates. They then moan that we aren't coming and then when we say that if only they'd talked to us in the beginning... then they say "Well you can't expect us to plan our lives around you". We can't win.

Stick to your guns.

KatharinaRosalie · 26/07/2019 17:11

So it's not a date they ALL can do. Unless DH does not count as 'all', in which case it's clearly not that important that he is there.

Kanga83 · 26/07/2019 17:17

Do we share the same MIL?! Stick to your guns. It's your dd's actual birthday, and if MIL had any decency would have realised so and not be imposing DFIL's bday which is not tomorrow on her DGD's birthday which is actually tomorrow. Don't give it a second thought.

billybagpuss · 26/07/2019 17:19

Yes why do all the other siblings get to veto a date and you don't?

Hope it goes well for your DD this weekend, that sounds amazing.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/07/2019 17:32

Your DD comes first. YANBU. You made your plans way in advance. She knows this is DD's birthday weekend. Youve offered to come to the dinner - that should more than suffice. She didn't consider you at all and she's being really childish about it.

StripyHorse · 26/07/2019 17:34

YANBU. We have a touch of this with MIL, have missed out on things because we are the last in the pecking order. BIL 2 lives away so everything is dropped for him. BIL 1 still hasn't cut the apron strings and is separated which leads to him being classed as more important in the decision making process.

I have learned that the way to handle it is to instigate arrangements. Pick the weekend that suits you and then try and arrange special event for PIL. Not only do you get the weekend you want you get brownie points for being caring. I did this for MIL 70th because I knew otherwise there was a risk if it clashing with my DM birthday or an event for DD.

StripyHorse · 26/07/2019 17:35

Obviously too late this time, but worth bearing in mind for other birthdays etc.

NoSauce · 26/07/2019 17:36

She should have double checked with everyone before booking surely? I mean who books hotels and weekends away without asking everyone if they can make it?

NoSauce · 26/07/2019 17:37

And surely she knew it was her GDs birthday that weekend too? Or is her birthday a bit off?

Millie2018 · 26/07/2019 17:39

YANBU.
She’s essentially trying to bully you into changing your plans. Don’t! If you give in this time it’ll only make her worse!

SarahSinclair · 26/07/2019 17:42

Obviously too late this time, but worth bearing in mind for other birthdays etc

Huh?? The op booked her daughters events BEFORE her IL’s set a date for her FIL’s secret weekend away, only told op and her husband on a group chat after it was planned but op needs to bare this particular occurrence in mind so that it doesn’t happen again even though op didn’t do anything?!?! Y’ok then!!

ithinkiammelting · 26/07/2019 17:44

I mean who books hotels and weekends away without asking everyone if they can make it?

My DH's side of the family, that's who. We're utterly sick of being the second-class relatives. They tend to book poncetastic restaurants as well.

Derbee · 26/07/2019 17:46

YADNBU!

Presumably your MIL always knew it was DD’s birthday this weekend. Therefore there was always a strong chance you wouldn’t be available this weekend (if you were having a party/sleepover etc?)

Hope it goes well for your DD this weekend 😀

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2019 17:50

I would be reminding her that if she had bothered to take 2 minutes and check on the date with you, this whole ridiculous drama could have been avoided. What a witch.

Derbee · 26/07/2019 17:51

@SarahSinclair I think you’re being purposefully obtuse. The PP was only telling OP how she avoids these situations. Ie OP and her DH decide that a particular weekend in August would suit them, text round DH’s family and say “let’s book something and get together for FIL’s 70th” etc. Brownie points and no diary clashes.

She wasn’t having a go at OP, just suggesting something from experience that OP may find helpful. What’s the big deal? 🙄

CalmdownJanet · 26/07/2019 17:54

Just say "No mil, fil is more important TO YOU, he is not more important TO ME, dd is. If you really wanted us there you would have checked the dates with us first, you didn't, that's fine, but because of that you need to accept that we have plans"

Soubriquet · 26/07/2019 18:02

Yadnbu!!!

And yes to keeping your dd away from MIL.

If she’s anything like mine, you can guarantee she will lay all the guilt oh poor dd

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 26/07/2019 18:05

I'd be inclined to find some awful traffic jam after the event and not make it at all.

Jaxhog · 26/07/2019 18:12

No. She is being unreasonable. You already made special plans for your DD, and have come up with a plan to join in as much as you can.

If it was that important that you be there, she should have checked with you when she checked with everyone else.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/07/2019 18:20

They are nuts. Deliberately planning an event on your daughters birthday and planning without including you or your husband. Is he the youngest son and needs keeping in his place? I wouldn't be surprised if FIL is upset by their planning. I would plan to do something nice with him.

IncandescentShadow · 26/07/2019 18:21

I had exactly the same thing with MIL's 70th. DH and I already had plans before we got the 3 line whip over their birthday hotel visit in the Highlands of Scotland of all places, beginning Friday afternoon. Exactly the same kicking off and tantrumming when DH and I pointed out that we would be arriving around 8.30pm on Friday as that was how long it took to get there after work finished. Apparently that was no good as they wanted to eat at 6.30 and couldn't wait, and the children of DH's brother and sister would get too tired.

They would not listen to reason. I think that was the time DH actually cut the apron strings, as they genuinely expected him to just walk out of his work on a Friday afternoon (he doesn't have flexitime and it was too late to book a holiday).

There was a horrible atmosphere when we arrived, BIL was rude to me as usual and when we realised PIL were paying for it all, we actually just insisted on giving them the money back for it.

That then led to PIL treating us some kind of cash cow and asking us for money for Christmas, etc in the future, but that's another story...

Some people are legends in their own lifetimes and assume the world revolves around them. It really doesn't. Stick to your guns. I hate being bossed around when I'm trying my best to be reasonable.

KatharinaRosalie · 26/07/2019 18:24

The rest of the family all decided that your daughter's actual birthday was the best date to choose for FIL's celebration weeks away. And they see nothing wrong with it.

Drum2018 · 26/07/2019 18:24

She has a nerve, given that she didn't check dates with Dh first. And if she dares bring it up I'd be quick to say that if they had considered Dh, yourself and dd in their planning then you could have arranged a weekend to suit everyone, not just the other siblings. And keep smiling.

TriciaH87 · 26/07/2019 18:31

Tell her to shut the f**k up. Fils birthday is in August we are in July and whilst they are celebrating early for their convenience they have picked your daughters actual birthday. You made plans months ago. It's unfair to take over her granddaughters birthday like this.

AdobeWanKenobi · 26/07/2019 18:46

called DD spoiled

And that would be the point I backed out of the dinner and left the lot of them to it.
What sort of bitter cow calls her own Grandchild spoiled for having birthday gift.