Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to host an exchange student for a week?

74 replies

FeelingForced · 26/07/2019 16:23

Preteen DD goes to a club for a weekly activity. The people who run the club have invited a team of teenagers who're into the same activity to come over to our country (in Asia) for a week. This was decided without consulting any of the parents of the children in the club.

Now we're all being asked to host at least one student each for a week. I really don't want to do this. We live in a small apartment with no spare bedroom. I'd normally ask teen DS to vacate his room for guests, but he has examinations on at that time and moving him out of his room would disrupt his work. DDs room is too small to have anyone else staying in it and she still has a child's bed, so a teenager definitely wouldn't fit into it!

And most of all, I just don't want to Sad. I only work part time, but I have a hectic schedule during that whole month and to take time off to show someone around town might be possible, but so, so exhausting.

The main person in charge of the club can be quite a steamroller and has already told my DD that even if I don't want to, I'll have to manage it somehow. DD loves the activity and there's no other club nearby that has it.

So AIBU to say no and keep saying no? And if I'm not BU, how can I convince them that I really can't? There are three months left and I'm really worrying about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingForced · 26/07/2019 16:25

I forgot to mention that the exchange students will be from Europe.

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 26/07/2019 16:27

No YANBU, but I would talk to the steamroller yourself, rather than through DD. There simply isn't room, exams come first. Explain that first, then keep simply saying no.

OhamIreally · 26/07/2019 16:28

You could use the Mumsnet "No".
I can't tell you the amount of times I say "No,sorry" then delete the sorry.

Just don't do it.

Pineapplefish · 26/07/2019 16:29

If it wasn't for your DS's exams I would try to fit them in somehow, but because of the exams I'd say no way.

hidinginthenightgarden · 26/07/2019 16:31

Exams are a good enough reason imo.

Pipandmum · 26/07/2019 16:33

Will you not having the exchange student mean your daughter won’t be able to go abroad for that part of the exchange?
Personally I would hate to have someone over but I have room so I’d do it. But do not feel bullied into it - the person in charge is totally overstepping.

Unshriven · 26/07/2019 16:33

Just say no.

Aren't exchanges meant to be a two way thing?

Is the club leader planning to send your daughter overseas as a surprise too? Grin

herculepoirot2 · 26/07/2019 16:34

“No, we can’t, sorry.”

“What’s the problem?”

“We just can’t.”

On repeat.

AChickenCalledDaal · 26/07/2019 16:34

I would avoid any mention of not "wanting" to, even though that's true.

It is completely reasonable to say that you can't have a guest at that time as you have nowhere for them to sleep and it would disrupt your son's exams. Keep saying that it's not possible.

It's a lot to ask, no matter what the activity is, especially with no prior consultation. Hopefully there will be people with more space that can take up the slack.

MatildaTheCat · 26/07/2019 16:38

Definitely do this yourself and say ‘for many reasons it is not possible for us to host.’

DD shouldn’t have to deal with this.

ThomasFurious · 26/07/2019 16:40

Maybe write him an email if that's easier. Even use the line ' I won't be bullied into it'.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/07/2019 16:42

I would hate that too. Tell her No, I don't have space, you don't need to convince her of anything it's your choice

Original poster
FeelingForced · 26/07/2019 16:42

No, DD doesn't get to go abroad, so it's more one-way than an exchange, I suppose Smile.

I will have to grow a backbone and speak to the person in charge and I'm not looking forward to it! They're a very senior person in this particular field and are used to having people follow their bidding without argument.

So far the parents haven't even been told officially about this. Only the children in the club have been spoken to. DD is aware about the exams and that I'd already asked another potential visitor to please postpone their trip. That's why she told the teacher that it wasn't possible and the teacher said that we'd have to make it possible.

I'm feeling a little less unreasonable now, so thank you everyone! It's almost midnight here and I was up and stressing about it.

OP posts:
CacenCrunch · 26/07/2019 16:43

Just say no, I bet you won't be the only one. They don't sound very organised

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/07/2019 16:50

Definitely don't do it if it's just one way!

probstimeforanewname · 26/07/2019 16:50

It is completely reasonable to say that you can't have a guest at that time as you have nowhere for them to sleep and it would disrupt your son's exams

This. Just keep repeating - cracked record style. Just amended slightly to say:

you can't have a guest at that time as you have nowhere for them to sleep and even if you did it would disrupt your son's exams

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2019 16:53

So far the parents haven't even been told officially about this. Only the children in the club have been spoken to.

That’s out of order. This person has no right to try and bully your child or you into agreeing to arrangements you were never consulted on. Sounds like it would them good to hear “no” tbh.

probstimeforanewname · 26/07/2019 16:53

the teacher said that we'd have to make it possible

did they indeed? Well as I said above, "we have nowhere for guests to sleep and even if we did, ds has exams".

And then "no, ds has exams, and even if he didn't, we have nowhere for guests to sleep".

Is this Singapore where some flats are very small? Do you have one of those maid's rooms cupboards without aircon? I suspect the overbearing club person won't want a European guest sleeping in one of those but you could offer...no on second thoughts don't.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2019 16:56

“we have nowhere for guests to sleep and even if we did, ds has exams and no one consulted me about these plans. If they had I’d have told you it wasn’t possible”

AuntieAvocado · 26/07/2019 17:00

I’m not sure I’d even mention the exams, it just encourages the steamroller to tell you it won’t be a problem, your DS should revise in advance, the exchange student won’t be a bother etc etc.

Just “No, we have nowhere for a guest to sleep.” There’s no room for argument there.

If they keep pushing, say “We have no bed for them, and no room for them, it’s not possible.”

It helps to make sure you have the word “no” (Or equivalent) in every sentence.

UrsulaPandress · 26/07/2019 17:05

The cheek!

Use the exams as your main reason for saying no.

I trust it will not affect your DD's involvement in the activity.

Jellybeansincognito · 26/07/2019 17:08

Just say no. They can’t force you.
If they try and talk you around the simple and polite response is- I’m sorry, I’ve said no and there is absolutely no way of talking me around, I don’t want to waste your time.

Jellybeansincognito · 26/07/2019 17:08

Try not to give a reason, if you don’t give a reason, they can’t try and solve the problem.

mussolini9 · 26/07/2019 17:09

The main person in charge of the club can be quite a steamroller and has already told my DD that even if I don't want to, I'll have to manage it somehow

Person can get to fuck.
Not that you should have to offer any reasons for not wishing to be imposed upon with zero consultation - but just calmly respond that 1) DS has exams 2) we don't have enough room & 3) it's not convenient to my family's schedule.

As the Person tends to steamroller, you may need to Grey Rock them.
Brace yourself, & just keep repeating the mantra.

It is outrageous to simply farm kids out like this - from the point of view of the host familes as well as the visiting kids: has Person certified that every host is DBS checked, for instance?

HollowTalk · 26/07/2019 17:13

It's not an exchange. It's wanting you to do the work that they've taken on themselves - probably for quite a bit of money.

What advantage is there to your pre-teen child in having a teenager come to visit?