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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to host an exchange student for a week?

74 replies

FeelingForced · 26/07/2019 16:23

Preteen DD goes to a club for a weekly activity. The people who run the club have invited a team of teenagers who're into the same activity to come over to our country (in Asia) for a week. This was decided without consulting any of the parents of the children in the club.

Now we're all being asked to host at least one student each for a week. I really don't want to do this. We live in a small apartment with no spare bedroom. I'd normally ask teen DS to vacate his room for guests, but he has examinations on at that time and moving him out of his room would disrupt his work. DDs room is too small to have anyone else staying in it and she still has a child's bed, so a teenager definitely wouldn't fit into it!

And most of all, I just don't want to Sad. I only work part time, but I have a hectic schedule during that whole month and to take time off to show someone around town might be possible, but so, so exhausting.

The main person in charge of the club can be quite a steamroller and has already told my DD that even if I don't want to, I'll have to manage it somehow. DD loves the activity and there's no other club nearby that has it.

So AIBU to say no and keep saying no? And if I'm not BU, how can I convince them that I really can't? There are three months left and I'm really worrying about it.

OP posts:
Cosentyx · 26/07/2019 17:14

Fuck the 'steamroller'. Message her back. 'We will NOT be hosting a student. It cannot be done. We have no room for guests and my other child is revising for exams and cannot be disturbed. You will need to make other arrangements as we cannot host. Thanks.' The end.

bbcessex · 26/07/2019 17:15

I know that the Mumsnet approach is to use "No is a complete sentence", but I find that it's much easier all round to pretend to be sad about it but unfortunately unable to help...

Something along the lines of...

"It's such a shame, we haven't got room, let me know if I can help chaperone any trips"
"We often miss out on these great opportunities but we just don't have the space, maybe in a few years when DS is at university'

Your DDs club is likely trying to do a good thing but in a clumsy way.

Jellybeansincognito · 26/07/2019 17:15

Just say no OP. Don’t give a reason why.

If you say no sorry and they say why just say. There’s multiple reasons why I absolutely can never agree to do this and I don’t want to waste your time discussing them, I’m really sorry but under no circumstances will this be happening in my home.

Done- can’t argue that. It’s not rude if you say it with a smile.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 26/07/2019 17:15

Dear Overbearing Group Leader,

I am unable to host a student for the specified time.

Yours, FeelingForced.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/07/2019 17:17

The main person in charge of the club can be quite a steamroller and has already told my DD that even if I don't want to, I'll have to manage it somehow

Did they now? Then they should have thought of that before offering hosting without consulting the parents shouldn't they? And on top of this your DD doesn't even get the benefit of an exchange herself - though I'm willing to bet the organisers are benefiting financially from this

I've hosted or exchanged with so many people that the neighbours joke about my place being a branch of the United Nations, but there's no way I'd consider this. Since you weren't asked it's not even necessary to find an excuse ... simply say no (and look forward to others being inspired to join you)

Drum2018 · 26/07/2019 17:17

I think you need to contact the group lead asap and tell them you have heard through dd that other children needed to be hosted and it won't be possible for you to do it. You don't need to give excuses but if you feel the need then you already have good ones - no space and exam time. She cannot railroad you into it and she needs to stop saying anything to dd about it. Shes some bitch to assume that people will gladly take in these children without prior consultation.

Penners99 · 26/07/2019 17:17

No, no and HELL NO

Riverviews · 26/07/2019 17:18

Mussolini, I don't think Host families get DBS'ed in many countries. Do they in UK?

In any case, OP, say No and No again ad nauseam. You have no obligation.

I've hosted young students in the past in UK as part of exchanges. Always privately arranged with people from my country. Always invariably a pain

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/07/2019 17:18

Its hard giving a blank no, but unavoidable with such a pushy person who is going about this in a completely underhand way and putting pressure on your daughter too. If you even leave a chink of politeness in your response to this person, they will see an way of continuing to bully you into this. Resolute no, no apologies, no explainations is the only way to make them back off and try to find someone more pliable. Good luck. And also I used to worry so much that the asker would think worse of me for being rude or that I wasn't a "nice" person.. they don't even think in those terms. They just think who can I get to do this? How about their rudeness and lack of niceness to you?

Skittlesandbeer · 26/07/2019 17:18

I’d just lie and say that there was a member of the household with a contagious condition. If I were you.

‘Me’ me would just hold firm with the truth. So firm they got sick of me.

Maryann1975 · 26/07/2019 17:20

Don't feel guilty about saying no! I can think of nothing worse than having to share my home with a stranger for a week. Our lives are full enough with the general day to day lives of the 5 people who live here without adding in to the mix an exchange student who will bring extra work and need looking after.

You are going to have to be brave and speak to the organiser yourself though, if you need to give reasons why you can’t, say what you said above. You don’t have the space, your son has exams and you have to work and can’t take time off at that time.

NorthEndGal · 26/07/2019 17:22

Speak to the organizer sooner rather than later, and say you are unable to host, but perhaps offer to help in other ways, during the visit?

Madcats · 26/07/2019 17:22

DD's club (GB) has a long-established exchange programme with a club in Europe.

This year it didn't happen because they realised that most of the prospective hosts had DC in the 10-13 age range and they would have had to host DC 15+. It didn't help that the date clashed with ski trips etc. and it would have been a boy-heavy group staying with girl-heavy families.

It sounds as if you DD is too young to join in the exchange for a couple of years.

sackrifice · 26/07/2019 17:23

'Hi, no we can't. Did you not think to make sure they had somewhere to stay before inviting them?'

bbcessex · 26/07/2019 17:25

@Riverviews agreed - we've hosted twice - it is a complete pain in the arse - you definitely have to adapt your plans & family life to accommodate if you do it well, and also yes, we were not CRB checked.

My DS, 15 at the time, ended up on his return visit with a family where the mum & dad had just separated but still living in the same house.. he said the atmosphere was horrendous and the exchangee he was staying with was (understandably) upset and withdrawn.

Glad those days are behind us 😱

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/07/2019 17:25

'Sorry, but it's not possible. We simply don't have the room.'

And repeat as/if necessary. But say it yourself, not via your dd - it's easier for a steamroller to bully or intimidate a child into agreeing.

jennymanara · 26/07/2019 17:27

Say no. Be aware though that this kind of thing usually means kids get a chance to go abroad and stay with families abroad. So don't complain if your DC can not go.

Jaxhog · 26/07/2019 17:27

Say no, and say it now before things go any further. If its a problem for her, let her put them up. Stand firm and don't let her bully you.

I hate people who commit you to something without getting your agreement first. It is totally unreasonable.

Isthisafreename · 26/07/2019 17:31

@FeelingForced - They're a very senior person in this particular field and are used to having people follow their bidding without argument.

Tae kwondo? My experience with that is the master generally has a God complex, with a number of sycophants below who have mini God complexes.

I agree with pp's - it's very unfortunate but it's just not possible at the time. Normally, you would make it work, but the timing just prevents that. It's really a shame, but what can you do. Etc, etc.

GrabbyGertie · 26/07/2019 17:32

I’d just say that you can’t and leave it at that. I don’t see that it needs anymore thought.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/07/2019 17:35

Did you not think to make sure they had somewhere to stay before inviting them?'

Good sentence that - and a handy one to use if you feel like giving anything other than a simple "no"

ControversialFerret · 26/07/2019 17:38

Dear Overbearing Club Leader,

DD has told me that you require us to host an exchange student in . This is to let you know that it will not be possible for us to accomodate a visitor. I don't have anywhere for a guest to sleep and my other child has exams during this period so any disruption needs to be avoided. I am sure you understand; best of luck with the exchange arrangements.

BackforGood · 26/07/2019 17:39

Just be clear that you won't be able to host anyone at that time, as your ds's exams at at this time. You could suggest that if they'd wanted people to host, then perhaps they could have talked about it with the potential hosts first.
Speak directly to the adult though, and say you do not appreciate them passing messages through your dd, and your dd being made to feel bad for what isn't her decision.

I'm sure someone else will be happy to host two young people when the time comes.

TitianaTitsling · 26/07/2019 17:40

Does the club make money from this?

GrabbyGertie · 26/07/2019 17:40

Short and sweets is the way to go

Dear Overbearing Club Leader,

Just to confirm that we can’t host an exchange student.

Regards

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