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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Meeting his kids for the first time

82 replies

HatRack · 26/07/2019 14:13

My partner has invited me to meet his kids for the first time. They are 9, 9 and 5. I need to harness the power of Mumsnet to make this a success. What would be a good scenario for the first meet? Also how long should the first meet be?

OP posts:
BlueSuffragette · 27/07/2019 15:58

Way too soon to meet them. Your relationship is so new. How on earth do you know it wil be long term?

Littlejets · 27/07/2019 16:03

It is what it is people, OP wasn't asking if it was too soon!!!!!!!

OP, a meal is a great idea (I did this when I introduced my DD and DP) and just keep it to as long as the meal lasts. I would probably say to keep affection between you and DP to a minimum too (actually I'd say refrain completely) but again, I guess you have to let him lead the way as they are his children.

Good luck.

HatRack · 27/07/2019 16:52

Thing is, what if they don't like me or I don't like them? Surely it's important to find this out asap from a selfish point of view before falling deeply in love with someone?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 27/07/2019 16:53

Seven weeks is far too soon.

Also what does it say about your parenting style that you want to wait six months at least and he doesn't even want to wait two?

You parent very very differently and that, even discounting everything else, doesn't bode well

HatRack · 27/07/2019 16:54

as they aren't secondary age then their opinion doesn't carry much weight.

Why does their opinion not hold much weight?

OP posts:
lavenderbluedilly · 27/07/2019 16:55

I think a meal could be a bit intense? I’d prefer an activity, such as crazy golf, bowling etc and maybe a quick bite in a fast food place.

Pinktinker · 27/07/2019 16:58

Sorry, seven weeks is far too early. Six months is about right.

1000000Dreams · 27/07/2019 16:58

It seems very early OP but I am mindful that you are not asking whether you should meet them yet, but how to make it a success.

1000000Dreams · 27/07/2019 16:59

Agree doing something, rather than a meal, might be better.

Rtmhwales · 27/07/2019 17:03

I'd stick with an activity. See if he can suggest something his kids both equally like whether it's a walk in a forest, crazy golf, bowling, arcade games? It'll take the pressure off. A meal might be a bit more awkward.

PinkGlitter123 · 27/07/2019 17:59

How long have their parents been separated? I think if under a year then I would be waiting about a year or just under to introduce kids.
7 weeks is ridiculously early whatever the situation.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/07/2019 18:11

Mini golf - that tells you a lot about people & their relationships

I’ve cream after then go your own way

mrssoap · 27/07/2019 18:14

Probably unpopular opinion here but... op, I don't think ur doing anything wrong. He wants you to meet his kids, so if you want to you do that! I'm a single parent of 4 young kids, when I do meet someone they will need to be around my kids fairly soon otherwise I'll never see them!! They will just be known as mummy's friend and that's that. It's only too soon if you feel it is.

HatRack · 27/07/2019 18:15

Mini golf tells you a lot?

OP posts:
wineandroses1 · 27/07/2019 20:26

Op why are you asking such weird questions? I find you quite disingenuous. Surely anyone in their right mind knows that introducing children to a boyfriend so early (clearly not a partner after that little time - 7 weeks????) is a crap idea.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/07/2019 20:33

OP my daughter tells me she is upset with my and wont be my best friend for a long long time. And then tells me she will love me for ever even when we are angry with each other. Within 10 minutes. That's that under 5s are like. And I think why people think their opinion doesnt carry much weight - not because they dont care what they think but because they change their mind every few minutes

lyralalala · 27/07/2019 20:48

Their opinion doesn’t carry the Sam weight as older children as they don’t have the same critical thinking. they won’t see the negative in meeting a new person. They’re just thinking “shiny and new” rather than “is it too soon? Will we be sad if they split up? Is dad rushing this?”

At seven weeks children that young shouldn’t even know that their dad has a new girlfriend

NaviSprite · 27/07/2019 21:12

Speaking as a women who met my mums new “boyfriend” every time she decided to drop in on our lives (random intervals at best) I would have been happy if she had spent even a month with them before bringing her new man around. But it didn’t really cause me too much grief as I had my Grandparents - they raised me, my brother and sister so, whilst they were far from perfect, they were our stable (using this word loosely haha) family unit.

DH has a Step Father and for a time had a pseudo Step Mother in his Fathers GF. He met both in a relatively quick turnaround at the age of 9/10. His Mum has been with his SF for 24yrs, his Dad split from the pseudo SM after 2 years. This didn’t impact him as - despite getting to know her, he still had his Mum and his Dad for stability (even though they were separated).

What I’m trying to say is, only you can judge when you feel the time is right @HatRack and only you know your DP. If he is a conscientious and caring man then his willingness to introduce you wouldn’t concern me. But when it feel right for the both of you. Use your best judgement and I would say a ‘neutral’ ground area is best as PP have said, go to the park, it’s not massively flashy so won’t set an expectation of always doing planned events when you’re together. As for how long to be there, I’d honestly say 15-30 minutes unless you hit it off well then stay a bit longer. If it’s really awkward you can then leave DP and his kids to play together for a bit?

You’ve said they’re excited to meet you, so obviously they know what your relationship is with their Dad, so that’s the first part already done.

My mum finally settled down with my now Step Father after years of a new fella every few weeks (just to say she’s grown up a heck of a lot lol).

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 27/07/2019 21:48

Too soon. Red flags due to poor judgement on his part and tours, and different parenting styles. I suspect you'll just go along with what he wants though to keep him happy and not risk the relationship.

snackarella · 27/07/2019 22:43

I met my husbands daughter after only 4 weeks and we have been together 6 years and have her two half siblings.

I wouldn't have called it a red flag at the time it was a walk in the local park that's all.
I think these things can be a little blown out of proportion. No one would be bagging an eyelid if they were just friends. Children don't understand the potential of friendships in the same way we do

Elle2019 · 27/07/2019 23:05

Cmon OP 7 weeks AND he invited you to sleep over while they were there!!!

Major red flags. After 7 weeks you should be still building a relationship with him. Seeing if you two fit as a couple first before bringing children into it...not seeing if you fit his family dynamics. I know it’s not the advice you have asked for but I really think you should not go through with this and I think you know that also.

Good luck x

19lottie82 · 27/07/2019 23:07

A good tip to get on with children is find out what they are into and talk to them about it and pretend (?) you’re really interested.

lyralalala · 27/07/2019 23:44

Children don't understand the potential of friendships in the same way we do

In this case though the children already know she’s his new girlfriend

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/07/2019 11:32

OP you are capable of assessing things quite aptly for your own children and life but are hiding being this decision being his etc. If he genuinely thinks introducing you after 7 weeks who is he thinking about in all of this? I can’t quite see how you can even think he is putting his children first. And if he can’t put his own first, do you thinks long term he could put you or yours first? At best he is naive. At worst love bombing. Think long and hard and don’t make excuses to exude the responsibility you play in all of this.

NoLeopard · 28/07/2019 11:42

The cynic in me thinks he wants someone to help entertain and cook and care for them while they are with him! The sooner the better. Wink

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