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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting his kids for the first time

82 replies

HatRack · 26/07/2019 14:13

My partner has invited me to meet his kids for the first time. They are 9, 9 and 5. I need to harness the power of Mumsnet to make this a success. What would be a good scenario for the first meet? Also how long should the first meet be?

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 27/07/2019 12:55

So it doesn't matter about the kids, you want to see what they are like. That sounds a bit selfish.

Original poster
HatRack · 27/07/2019 12:56

this shows he has very poor judgement

Does this make him a bad person?

Okay he's not my partner. He's a man I see a few times a week exclusively and have sex with. Is that acceptable?

OP posts:
luckylavender · 27/07/2019 12:56

Poor kids. No way should you be meeting them yet. Reckless behaviour.

Lllot5 · 27/07/2019 12:57

Seven weeks is just fucking crazy. Those poor children.
Just say no

Original poster
HatRack · 27/07/2019 12:58

That sounds a bit selfish.

Yes, it is. I completely agree. If I've learned anything about dating in your late thirties it's "look after yourself and give the other person the responsibility of looking after themselves". He's an adult. He's a parent. He can make his own choices. I am not policing him. My responsibility to to myself and my children at this point.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/07/2019 12:58

It’s pretty obvious you’ve already decided what you’re doing.

Poor children.

Thehop · 27/07/2019 12:58

I’d be concerned about a man who cares so little for his children he’ll have someone he’s been dating for 7 weeks sleep in the house with them......and who has such little regard for his dad time he’ll have a woman he’s dated for 7 weeks infringe on it overnight.

Nothing against you, you may well be awesome.....but I’d tread carefully.

Maybe tell him you’re prepared to put the children first and not meet them yet?

Lllot5 · 27/07/2019 13:00

Where’s their mum in all this?
I actually can’t believe you think this is a good idea and you are just going along with it. How old are they?

fromnowhere · 27/07/2019 13:02

It's true that your responsibility is to yourself and your kids. However that means thinking about what kind of partner he will be to you and what kind of step parent (potentially) to your children.

The question here is whether you could ever trust him and his judgement, given that your views on these things differ and so many level headed mumsnetters are also telling you his decision making re: his own children is a bit off?

IsobelRae23 · 27/07/2019 13:02

7 weeks!!!! No, no, no just no! That’s so wrong on every level. He’s not even a ‘boyfriend’ yet- he’s just someone you are meeting, having sex with and getting to know. I would be so pissed off if my ex introduced a girlfriend of 7 weeks, like I know he would be a boyfriend of 7 weeks.
Give your head a bloody good wobble women!

avalanching · 27/07/2019 13:03

Surely the red flag here is that you have very conflicting parenting styles? It's too early, even if they are his children you still owe it to them to use your common sense, for their sakes.

MarieBaroneIsMyMom · 27/07/2019 13:04

Those poor kids. I wonder how many of Daddy’s Girlfriends have they been dragged along to meet?

Sparklesocks · 27/07/2019 13:04

Does this make him a bad person?

Not necessarily but it does show he makes poor judgement calls regarding his kids which is telling. Am not trying to tell you off or anything but it’s just all so premature.

littlepeaegg · 27/07/2019 13:07

I'm sorry but no one really should be judging this.

My current partner met my son after two months. We went for a walk and met him there.

We have been together for four years now.... so can't be that much of a red flag.

I was a single parent, no outside help. So really for us it was the right time as I hardly had time to myself to meet him etc.

stucknoue · 27/07/2019 13:08

Just go along and make child friendly small talk, just no physical contact, the 9 years old will be disgusted by it, you know what they are like.

There's no right number of weeks, only you know if you are serious about him. My dd has demanded to vet any potential dates in advance, and expects to give them the once over just have I did with her (she's 18)

PurpleDaisies · 27/07/2019 13:08

I'm sorry but no one really should be judging this.

I’m judging this because of my own personal experience. That ok with you? Hmm

littlepeaegg · 27/07/2019 13:09

My son was 3 at the time, he didn't really have any concept of who my partner was. Just mummy's friend etc.

But he adores him now and sees him as a father figure.

littlepeaegg · 27/07/2019 13:11

'Poor children,' is a little bit much in my opinion.

OP you need to do what is right for you all. If you feel uncomfortable about it then you need to let your partner know.

But if you are happy with it, I'd make sure there are boundaries put in place before hand.

pinkyredrose · 27/07/2019 13:12

Why is he so keen for you to meet them?

Keepaddingpets · 27/07/2019 13:13

Was he single before meeting you or were you the "other woman"?

Original poster
HatRack · 27/07/2019 13:30

Where’s their mum in all this?

She's their primary carer. They live with her and her partner. I don't know when she first introduced them to him.

The question here is whether you could ever trust him and his judgement

His judgement on what type of things?

I wonder how many of Daddy’s Girlfriends have they been dragged along to meet?

Apparently none, and that's why they're (the kids) excited.

I was a single parent, no outside help. So really for us it was the right time as I hardly had time to myself to meet him etc.

I understand this situation. This man however is not the primary parent and also has grandparent help, so I'm not precisely sure why he invited me to meet them. Perhaps he wants to know their opinion on me so he knows whether to proceed?

Was he single before meeting you or were you the "other woman"?

I absolutely was not the OW. He'd been single for a good year before we met.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 27/07/2019 13:36

I wouldn't want to meet his kids at this stage. I'd be concerned for them if we then broke up before a more appropriate time had been reached to meet them. I know you could argue that that wouldn't be your problem and that it's his decision as their parent but I would still feel complicit.

cookiechomper · 27/07/2019 15:44

OP just go with what feels right. Only you know your relationship.
My husband met my kids early on as he was coming round and spending a lot of time with me when they were in bed and it right that they should be introduced. Anyway, we were expecting a baby after 8 weeks so it had to be done. Been together 3 years and married 7 months.

Grumpos · 27/07/2019 15:50

The only way I’d be doing this after just a couple of months is a causal meet up in the local park. Kids to be told oh we’re meeting my friend HatRack at the park today for example.
Have a little walk around the park, maybe get an ice cream then excuse yourself. An hour or so but not much longer.

ColaFreezePop · 27/07/2019 15:50

He may want to know his kids opinion but as they aren't secondary age - one is 5 - then their opinion doesn't carry much weight. Just leave it longer as if you split up the smallest one could be very upset.

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