To not go to wedding if not allowed my plus one?

[TalentedMsRipley]

My dp & I have been invited to a wedding abroad but we're not allowed to bring our one year old baby. My friend (the groom) says I'm not allowed to bring the baby, fine, but dp will have to either stay at home with her or in the hotel & not attend wedding either way. Ive asked groom if i can bring my adult daughter as my plus one and he says no.
I did really want to attend his wedding but should I not bother?

Decline. What would it matter to anyone who fills the place they’ve already allocated to your dp?

Would be a definitely decline from me!

They want you to spend a huge amount of money to travel to their overseas wedding knowing full well that their "Choices" make it impossible for your DP to attend. Chances are you will be stood there like a lemon during the whole shebang as you'll probably be the only person alone. ☹️

Use the money for a nice family holiday instead and just send them off with a card, possible small gift and your best wishes. Job done!

Why can't your DD pay for herself, come out with you & look after the baby for the wedding?

orange why would she?

pay for yourself to go on holiday to babysit? no thanks!

I think declining is the best option here

Why can't your DD pay for herself, come out with you & look after the baby for the wedding?

Sounds like a bargain. Where do I sign up?

What I don't get is why you can't take both your kids they don't have to attend the wedding. You are paying to get there and accommodation so take them have a family holiday with the wedding as a day for you and dp no one can tell you who you can travel with or have in your hotel room just that they won't be welcome at the wedding and you have child care covered. That's if you want to go anyway

go to the weddingwith you dp
Leave your baby home with your adult dd to be looked after
Or go (3 of you) and hire a babysitter when you get to the hotel and enjoy the wedding
or just dont go. Simple

I also agree with some pp that people who have child free weddings arent dicks. They are just people who want to enjoy the best day of their lives without little minions screaming, tantrumming and taking away their parents attention etc

The whole point of getting married abroad is the hope that hardly anyone will come and you don’t have to deal with or pay for people you don’t really want there. See it for what it is and decline.

Decline. People who arrange overseas weddings and invite only certain members of families with children as their guests must surely be primed to expect this as a response. If not, then it's they who are being wholly unrealistic.

Too much hassle, and it's not worth it IMO.

Can’t your adult daughter mind your baby daughter for a few days whilst you go?

Nope wouldn't go.

OP, how come you're not answering the question most on here are asking? At 22, why can't your adult daughter stay at home with your child? Your daughter does not need to go abroad with you. If it's only a day or so, you and DP can go and your daughter stay at home. It is a one year old, not a newborn baby. Is your daughter incapable of looking after a toddler for 48 hours?

One year old is peak separation anxiety, it could be a lot asking a sister to look after the one year old for a couple of days or more (including travel).

I'm sure she could cope. The separation anxiety would be far worse with a newborn.

Yes dd looks after baby at home you both go to wedding, sorted.

My cousin's wife-to-be stipulated this too. When I declined the invitation because I didn't want to leave my 10 month old daughter behind, my cousin and his parents stepped in and I was allowed to take her. She had a wonderful time and was spoiled rotten.

Another friend got married in Australia and said "Come over for a month and we can travel round. You can leave your kids with a mate"

I pointed out that my children weren't terriers and it's not as if I could put them in kennels while I went on holiday.

I wouldn't bother going tbh.

Sounds like you and DP were invited knowing full well you’d have to decline because of your baby. I think it was a polite invite so you’d not feel left out.

To be fair the 22 year old could have a job and while she would take annual leave for a mini holiday, it is a bit much asking her to do that to sit at home (unless there is childcare in place). Or she may just not want to do it, which is fine as it isn't her child

I don’t really understand why the OP needs to answer that at all. Whether unwilling to look after the baby or lacking the capacity, it’s not the 22 year old’s baby. Not wanting to leave your small child to go abroad for a wedding? Totally reasonable whatever the babysitting options. What a PITA.

I was just going to say maybe the 22 year old works.

If you can hardly afford to go yourself OP I am not quite sure why you are even contemplating going before you even think about the childcare issues. Your own wedding isn't worth struggling financially for, never mind someone else's.

If you can barely afford to pay for yourself to go then it's a no brainer - baby or no baby.
You just don't get yourself into dire straits/debt to attend a wedding, especially a destination one.
It isn't like they will help you out with your bills the following month or lend you money when you're strapped for cash.

If you're daughter is actually an adult, then the groom's being silly, there's no reason to decline your perfectly acceptable alternative of taking your adult daughter.

I'm a bit confused at this attitude. At our wedding we wanted friends and family there. We would not have been interested in having people we have no relationship with attend in the place of someone we did want.

The OP and DP had been invited, presumably because they are friends of the couple. It's not clear from the OP that the DP was a 'plus one' - I got the impression the DP was a named invite, so it's a bit disingenuous to present the adult DD as interchangeable with the DP.

I think a baby will be 22 MONTHS old

@ineedaholidaynow Well the OP asked the groom if she could take her daughter. To the wedding. Overseeas. So if she's able to just up and go overseas I don't see why she can't look after the baby at home for like 24 hours to 48 hours. A lot less effort than going overseas.

They are absolutely reasonable to want a child-free wedding, whatever the age.

it is not convenient for you, so you are not BU to decline.

no drama needed.