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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...or is my neighbour expecting too much?

92 replies

ThingInTheAttic · 25/07/2019 18:03

Ok, so my next door neighbour and I have just 'had words' for the first time. We've lived next door to each other for 20 years with no problems, we chat over the fence etc, usual stuff. She's 71 and lives alone, I live with my 13 year old since my divorce in 2011. Both houses are small modern semis.

So last year, during school hols, she mentioned that my son 'running' up the stairs after she had gone to bed was waking her, or stopping her sleeping. I wasn't sure what she meant by 'running' because as far as i'm aware he just does what every normal kid does...he goes up quickly, but he doesnt 'run', and I can't say I've ever thought it was unusually noisy. But anyway, I apologised, and said I would remind him to walk as much as I could. So I did, every night for weeks because I didn't want her to be disturbed, obviously. Then I asked her had things improved and she said 'yes, I haven't heard a thing'. Great. All sorted.

Anyway, last night my son, his friend and I arrived home from holiday after a four hour car journey about 10.20pm. We unloaded the car, and they did run up and down the stairs laughing and calling to each other, carrying stuff up, which I didn't know they were doing as I was still out by the car. It was ten minutes max, and when I heard them I told them to stop because neighbour might be disturbed, and they did stop straight away and all was quiet for the rest of the night.

But this morning, I was putting washing out and she had a right go at me about them running up the stairs, saying it was 'so loud I had to bang the wall, they woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep'... she was really quite blunt and aggressive. I was really surprised and I just thought 'Not this again, and this time it's really daft- it was literally ten minutes'. So I said I'm sorry, but they'd been cooped up in a car for hours, it was ten minutes maximum and to be honest, I think you are being unreasonable expecting 13 year old boys to not run up stairs, it's what children do'...And then she said "oh well. he's been doing it for months, ever since I first told you about it, I've been putting up with it "...WTF? I asked why, in that case had she lied and said she couldn't hear anything anymore when I asked her last year, sand she said 'Because I knew you'd be the sort of person who wouldn't like me saying it".
Now, I've never had a cross word with her before, yet somehow she assumes I'm going to be troublesome over this one thing?

Anyway, I did say that I thought that was completely unfair, and and that I think she's being ridiculous complaining about a kid going up the stairs in his own house, in a completely normal way.

Apparently she can 'tell what sort of a person I am now, too'.

So...basically, am I BU or is she? Should I be reminding my son to walk quietly up the stairs every night? He's in bed himself by 11pm even in school holidays, it's not like he's galloping up and down stairs at 2am. I honestly have never heard of anyone moaning about their neighbour's child going up the stairs. But, please feel free to correct me, as I m genuinely wondering now if I AM being a bad neighbour.

OP posts:

NannyKasey · 25/07/2019 19:08

YANBU. I had to endure my NDN's lodgers having very loud sex at 2am and 6am most mornings for 3 months. I had to complain to the council in the end as banging on the wall and shouting STFU wasn't working and I was like a zombie at work!! They stopped and my NDN didn't speak to me for about 18 months as I stopped his income stream as they moved out.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/07/2019 19:10

My neighbour's grandchildren sound like a herd of baby elephants some days, and their stairs are against my living room wall. It never occurred to me to complain, they are children.

IamWaggingBrenda · 25/07/2019 19:10

Yes, we have thick carpet, her bedroom is on the opposite side of the house to our stairs, and no he just wears socks.

Well, I think your NDN is being unreasonable. You can’t live in a semi detached and expect it to be noise free. And I think your 11 pm cut off is very reasonable. She is probably a very light sleeper but I think it’s ridiculous for her to expect neighbours to tiptoe around because she needs absolute quiet.

Fae1989 · 25/07/2019 19:11

You're not being inconsiderate at all! If this was such an issue why did she lie about it and not bother to bring it up until one event (it's spiteful and pathetic for a grown person!).

Humans make noise. It's what we do. If she's such a light sleeper that someone going up some stairs wakes her up then maybe she should invest in some ear plugs. He's being a human being (a child nonetheless) and they make noise. Yeah, fair enough you could talk to him every now and then about being considerate of others but moving around the house is hardly inconsiderate, really.

If she wants inconsiderate she should come and live near me. We have some party boy neighbours whose music literally deafens us if we try and enjoy a summer evening in the garden. It goes on all night some times!

Quartz2208 · 25/07/2019 19:13

Are you halls adjoining as it in most Semis its hard to hear stair noise in the bedroom as they are far away from each other

jennymanara · 25/07/2019 19:14

It is impossible for us to know if YABU or not. For some people their child just going up the stairs may be ordinary noise, for others it may sound like a herd of elephants and their mother is minimising.
And in fairness your reaction to her latest complaint does seem as if you are the kind to dismiss complaints.

rosinavera · 25/07/2019 19:19

@FriarTuck - you really should be ashamed of yourself!!

ChristOnAScooter · 25/07/2019 19:23

Oh just ignore the silly woman. Tell her that her snoring is keeping the whole house awake and she needs to stop.

BatShite · 25/07/2019 19:23

YANBU. Neighburs should expect some degree of noise. Ouyrs one way are fucking ridiculous, shes always moaning about how she can sometimes hear the kids laughing through the wall. I meanwhile, am not a fucking arsehole so have not mentioned to her that i can hear her dog through the night, can hear her clashing around in the kitchen at break of dawn, can hear her cackling late into the night. If I wanted to be a dickhead like her I would bring those things up regularly, but normal people know having neighbours sometimes means hearing noise. Only wankers complain about it, unless it was like..music at all hours or something.

ChristOnAScooter · 25/07/2019 19:26

@KnifeAngel oh please, kids going upstairs in their own house is perfectly acceptable. Seriously

Hotterthanahotthing · 25/07/2019 19:28

If the only problem she has is noise from the stairs the I wouldn't worry.You're limiting the noise as much as you can but your houses are joined.
In our semi the stairs are on the party wall so we occasionally hear their boys run up and down but nothing from the other rooms.

Bluetrews25 · 25/07/2019 19:29

Agree with @NailsNeedDoing in that some older people get like this. We lived in a modern semi, and had 2 DCs under 4. They did not run around inside, but this did not stop NDN complaining about them and deliberately slamming hoover into adjoining wall late at night to scare them awake.
If she couldn't get back to sleep, was it not due to the heat?
I'm sure you are considerate, NDN just needs to remember that humans do make some noise. And it could be so much worse!

ChristOnAScooter · 25/07/2019 19:34

@FriarTuck stop being a goady fucker. Poor parenting? So you pick on disabled single mums?

isadoradancing123 · 25/07/2019 19:41

Its normal family noise, tell her to get a detached or go and live in the countryside, your son is fine

DishingOutDone · 25/07/2019 19:41

I think FriarTuck is feeling hot and tired. They need a lie down with some chilled manners.

OP where I live, if anyone make such a ridiculous complaint, they would actually be ridiculed and possibly even ostracised by the other neighbours - not saying that's right just pointing out we are expected to be made of pretty stern stuff round here.

Someone will come on and say she has dementia in a minute. My neighbour is in her mid 70s, we've lived here 25 years but I've noticed now she has started to look for confrontation - not dementia, just an age thing I think. God I hope I don't get like that - it is sad though if you've been neighbourly all those years.

LillithsFamiliar · 25/07/2019 19:45

I don't think she is expecting too much. Children running up and down stairs can be very noisy and your DS is getting older so he's going to be getting heavier and louder.
I think you should have apologised and made your DS apologise too rather than becoming defensive.

MidsomerBurgers · 25/07/2019 19:53

YABU and your DC is being inconsiderate.

I get up at 5am for work. I'm usually in bed and asleep before 10pm. I'd be making sure I made plenty of noise at 5am if my neighbours did this.

BenWillbondsPants · 25/07/2019 19:56

There was no reason to include it OP and you know it. If you wanted to explain why you were out there longer you could have done so. You didn't. You just dropped it in there randomly. I don't have a low opinion of disabled people at all. What I have a low opinion of is people trying to justify their poor parenting in a way that reflects badly on other people who do have disabilities or conditions and don't use them as an excuse.

This is a special kind of bitchy @FriarTuck. I have a 'low opinion' of people who are just fucking nasty for kicks.

HidingFromDD · 25/07/2019 20:02

it was hot and muggy last nice, she's 71, I expect that she was feeling grumpy anyway. Keep reminding kids to be quiet late at night and extend the olive branch when things have cooled down a bit

Doormat247 · 25/07/2019 20:03

@MidsomerBurgers I'm with you on this one - I'm up before 5am every morning and my neighbours know this, yet continue with excessive noise at all times of the night. This includes purposefully slamming their doors loud enough to shake my bed, shouting and screaming in their garden underneath my bedroom window until the early hours and letting their kids make just as much noise.
I wish I had the nerve to slam and bang when I get up just to give them a taste of what I put up with, but I don't want to scare my poor cat.

Have to admit though that I'd be happy with only hearing the odd bit of running up the stairs every now and then, plus a neighbour who would be willing to listen to my complaint. OP I think she was in the wrong for not being reasonable over the noise and the apology. I doubt she has heard much between the two complaints but as someone who lives alone, any noise from my neighbours drives me crazy as I don't have family noise around me to normalise it in my own home.

Peakypolly · 25/07/2019 20:04

We all make noise- I would imagine your DS may get louder still at 18, tipsy and zooming around on a motorcycle.
This is why retirement villages exist for over 65’s who no longer want to be connected to main stream society. Apply for a few details of them to be sent to her address.
Incidentally I know many people much older than her who would love to have the opportunity for interaction with teens so I’m not being ageist.

Accountant222 · 25/07/2019 20:05

Tell her to get herself to Boots and buy some wax earplugs

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 25/07/2019 20:06

My neighbour ran up the stairs all the way through his teenage years. It was very noisy but it wouldn't have occurred to me to complain particularly as we had crying babies at the time and my neighbours were very tolerant! Now he's 20 he walks. It's perfectly normal terraced noise.

Peakypolly · 25/07/2019 20:06

Obviously not tipsy when on a motorbike!

StillMe1 · 25/07/2019 20:17

Do you have hard floors in the house. I think they create more noise and make the house echo a lot.
I live next to people in their 60s and the noise is dreadful. They are totally inconsiderate. The get up early and I am woken with their noise. So far I have not made any noise after 9 pm.
People dont seem to have any consideration for others

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