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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for advice on how to feel less guilty :(

61 replies

smokeytoby · 25/07/2019 09:17

I relapsed last night.

I had an alcohol problem, and had been over 40 days sober. But last night I just gave in and had 1 1/2 of those small bottles of red wine from co-op. I poured the last 1/2 away as I decided I didn't want it, and that I should stop (something I could never have done previously).

I am so gutted and ashamed, it didn't make me feel intoxicated and I certainly don't have a hangover, but I was doing so well and making my family so proud and now I am back to square 1.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling unbelievably guilty or am I blowing it out of proportion? I also feel guilty as I am not going to tell any of my family that it happened.

After I'd drank, I felt like it was pointless, a waste of money and I didn't really enjoy the taste like I used to, so I'm encouraged that this won't happen again, but I still feel really fucking awful. Is this reasonable?

OP posts:

IamtheOA · 25/07/2019 09:20

But you did amazingly well to check yourself and chuck the rest out.
That's a win, I think. Well done 😊
Just keep moving forward....

MyFokMarelize · 25/07/2019 09:23

I don't think you should feel guilty at all. I think you should be proud. You stumbled, you didn't even really carry it through and you recognise that you failed, momentarily, and you're determined to keep going with your mission.
Don't feel guilty!

Sirzy · 25/07/2019 09:24

Well done for throwing half away. That’s a good sign

user1493413286 · 25/07/2019 09:24

But it sounds like you’ve learnt a lot from it; I think it’s in some ways good to feel bad so you’re put off doing it again but now draw a line under it and start again.

Jeezoh · 25/07/2019 09:26

It was a stutter, not a fall off the wagon. But own it, tell your family in the interests of being open and honest and be proud you had the control to turn back from your decision. Feel proud, not guilty - your recovery won’t be a straight line xx

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/07/2019 09:26

You're not unreasonable feeling guilty; it wasn't a good choice. However, you regulated yourself enough to know you didn't need the last half bottle, and are aware enough to know you shouldn't have done it, so beating you up on here is pointless.

40 days sober is a cracking start. Now you have to try and top it. There are going to be mistakes and blips because you're human. But one mistake doesn't undo the positive steps you took previously; you can start afresh now.

The thing with guilt is that if you direct it in the right way, you can use it to push you to make better choices each time. If you dwell on it with no positive 'end' that's when it can bring you down and make it more likely you'll repeat that negative behaviour. That guilt you're feeling is telling you next time to make a better choice. Accept it, because you can't change it, and start again from this moment.

JacquesHammer · 25/07/2019 09:29

I don’t think you should feel guilty at all.

40 days ago would you have poured the rest of the bottle away?

You’ve made an amazing start and had a little blip. It isn’t a stop sign, it’s a deviation.

You’ve done amazingly well. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 25/07/2019 09:29

Thank you so much. I honestly just think I needed to tell someone - thank you all for your words of encouragement.

OP posts:

Thingsthatgo · 25/07/2019 09:31

You are not back to square 1. You gave into temptation and learned from it. That’s still advancing in my opinion. Well done.

letsdolunch321 · 25/07/2019 09:32

Chalk it up as a one off. Well done for owning up and being successful through the previous 40 days 👍🏻

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 25/07/2019 09:32

But you're honestly not back to square one!! In my opinion you've just proved how far you've come by being able to decide to pour the rest away after having some.
You didn't get drunk and you're continuing on your sobriety journey!
Well done!

Rachelover40 · 25/07/2019 09:33

You did well, nothing to be ashamed of.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/07/2019 09:33

I think you should regard this as a triumph. You tested yourself and found you could exercise your willpower when it mattered, ie when you had a half open bottle and nothing to stop you drinking it. Well done!

Sicario · 25/07/2019 09:34

Sending you a big hug. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

We are - all of us - only human.

Greyponcho · 25/07/2019 09:35

Don’t feel guilty - you’re taking a massive step here, and to pour away the rest is a huge achievement.
Would you berate a friend who had done this? No, you’d see the strength it took to do this, so don’t be hard on yourself!

Areyoufree · 25/07/2019 09:37

Do you go to AA? You need to get to a meeting today. This isn't about whether or not you feel guilty - that's completely unnecessary, it's about making sure you have the support there to prevent it happening again. I had a major relapse once, and it started with one drink, one night. I didn't really want the drink, and I don't think I finished it. Then next night I had another drink, everything was fine. The next night I had a major, major binge, complete with blackout. I had been almost a year sober at that point, and that really terrified me. I got straight into AA, and have stayed sober ever since (17 years now). Don't mess about, get to a meeting.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 25/07/2019 09:37

Your kindness has made me tearful, I'll turn this into a learning experience. Nothing bad came of it, I didn't get drunk, I had a stumble but I was able to pour it away. As a PP correctly suggested, that is absolutely not something I would have done 40 days ago. I wouldn't have got two small bottles either...

Thank you everyone, I will continue on my sobriety. I hope everyone has a brilliant day and enjoys the warm weather.

OP posts:

Horall · 25/07/2019 09:38

Relapse is part of the rehabilitation process, so don’t beat yourself up. Progress is measured around how quickly you get back into abstinence, so well done at doing it straight away. Do not let this slip completely derail you, learn from it, and move forward.

Original poster

smokeytoby · 25/07/2019 09:38

@Areyoufree I'm not with them, but I've just been in the process of getting their contact details online. I will be giving them a call on my lunch break. Glad to hear you're doing so well!

OP posts:

ZillaPilla · 25/07/2019 09:41

In similar situations I allow myself a day or so to wallow in whatever negative and unhelpful emotions are going through my mind and then give myself a kick up the arse and carry on.

I hope that doesn't sound like I am minimising how much work you have put in to get this far, it's not meant to.

I really don't think you are back to square 1, are you?

HoppingPavlova · 25/07/2019 09:41

Another who agrees you are miles away from ‘back to square one’. It was a slip but not a landslide back to the beginning and the important thing is to keep moving forwards and not let this set you back. Well done OP overall, it takes guts and determination and you will do it.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 25/07/2019 09:41

You have enormous courage to be tackling this problem head on, and I think you should be patting yourself on the back for responding so brilliantly to what was, in the end, a momentary blip as opposed to a full-scale falling off the wagon. I'm in awe and admiration of anyone who can do this. It's an insidious, horrible, all-encompassing addiction that is so hard to beat, and denial is a sufferer's worst enemy.

You sound as though you've beaten this particular demon, which is the hardest one to conquer of all. Congratulations! xxxx

ThighsRelief · 25/07/2019 09:42

I gave up years ago and after about 30 days i pored myself a cider and had a mouthful then threw the rest away. I felt truly awful about that sip, but it's a decade ago now. Don't use it as an excuse to have anymore, you looked at the edge of the cliff one last time. Walk away from that edge and forget it.

Something i find very helpful in staying sober is fast fowarding a scenario in my brain. So instead of picturing the lovely first drink i whizz it forward and then think of the nightmare at the end of the session.

You've done 40 days so you've got this.

NeverGotMyPuppy · 25/07/2019 09:46

Goodness you havent gone back to square one AT ALL!!! You threw some away. That's a massive step.

Was it a good idea? No. But dont be so hard on yourself. Dont chuck away your great progress for a tiny blip!

Zippyx · 25/07/2019 09:47

The fact that you found that you didn't enjoy the taste as usual will prevent you doing this again. But until you'd tried it - you'd never have found that out.

Take it 10 days at a time. You'll get exactly back to where you were.

Best of luck x

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