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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask for advice on how to feel less guilty :(

61 replies

smokeytoby · 25/07/2019 09:17

I relapsed last night.

I had an alcohol problem, and had been over 40 days sober. But last night I just gave in and had 1 1/2 of those small bottles of red wine from co-op. I poured the last 1/2 away as I decided I didn't want it, and that I should stop (something I could never have done previously).

I am so gutted and ashamed, it didn't make me feel intoxicated and I certainly don't have a hangover, but I was doing so well and making my family so proud and now I am back to square 1.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling unbelievably guilty or am I blowing it out of proportion? I also feel guilty as I am not going to tell any of my family that it happened.

After I'd drank, I felt like it was pointless, a waste of money and I didn't really enjoy the taste like I used to, so I'm encouraged that this won't happen again, but I still feel really fucking awful. Is this reasonable?

OP posts:

ThighsRelief · 25/07/2019 09:48

For a lot of people AA is a lifesaver but it's not the only way. i was blessed in coming from a family of ex problem drinkers where i could talk freely about having given up. I was and am very, very open about being sober now IRL. Everyone has a different path though.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 25/07/2019 09:50

Take a little while to really "feel" all the emotions right now and make a good strong note of it. Use it next time you are tempted and have choice to make - try and remember that this is the pay off. Is it worth it? No. But the important thing is that you dust yourself off and keep on trucking. It's important to reset the clock to zero though. It was a minor slip and you coped well, but it was a slip and to not reset kind of feeds the appeal of denial.

Seahorseshoe · 25/07/2019 09:50

This is probably a shit analogy and I don't want to offend you.

If I diet and have a massive cream cake, I think "that's it, that's my diet gone down the drain" - but it's not, it's down the drain if I continue with the cream cakes and bad diet, the stone I've lost isn't down the drain and is still an achievement.

I'm trying to say, I understand your disappointment in yourself and that feeling that you've lost control of the situation - but you haven't. You still have those days of sobriety under your belt and that is an achievement in itself. Don't stop. Put it behind you and carry on.

Bravo for not drinking that other half a bottle - how is that for self control?

It's literally a glass half full situation (no pun intended) look at what you didn't do, you stopped yourself and that, my friend, is self control. Don't berate yourself and do not give up, if you give up now, that is a whole different kettle of fish, so do not give up. x

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

jaffacakeany1 · 25/07/2019 09:56

I see it more like having that one more night with an ex, then remembering why you dumped him and feeling even more sure you did the right thing... it's called closure. Well done!

Original poster

smokeytoby · 25/07/2019 09:58

@Seahorseshoe and @jaffacakeany1 they are both fantastic analogies, and both very true. I wouldn't disregard my progress in either of those circumstances, and it wouldn't stop me continuing on the right path, so I shouldn't let it have that impact in this situation. Thank you so much :)

OP posts:

Areyoufree · 25/07/2019 09:59

For a lot of people AA is a lifesaver but it's not the only way.

Absolutely. And the statistics will back this up. However, those statistics are pretty depressing - most alcoholics don't stay sober no matter which option they choose. I can only talk about AA, as it worked for me, but I definitely think it is worth getting some support. Obviously it's good that you threw the alcohol away, but I don't think it should be taken as a sign of will power. I have no will power - that's not how I stay sober. People often think I must be really strong, when in fact, almost the opposite is true. I don't drink, because I can't control it. I don't drink, because I have no will power.

PeoniesarePink · 25/07/2019 10:08

You're human, OP.

We all make mistakes - it's what we learn from them that counts

NameChangerOfTheNorth · 25/07/2019 10:11

Please don't feel guilty.
You managed 40 days- that is amazing
Remember, it isn't a destination- it's a journey and its not always linear. You will have temptations and blips, and that is fine- you have still travelled a long way.

SoundofSilence · 25/07/2019 10:17

Don't let guilt and disappointment in yourself drag you back to square one. You have done so well. You have had a stumble. You can get up, dust yourself off and carry on. You can do it.

Tabitha005 · 25/07/2019 10:18

Beating yourself up over this is a sure-fire way to reach for the bottle again. Chalk it up to a mere slip and move on. 40 days abstinence is a great achievement, OP (and, frankly, no-one else needs to know if you've had a bump).

We're all too hard on ourselves for any number of reasons - and sometimes rightly so - but, in your case, I think you can shrug and move forward.

amusedbush · 25/07/2019 10:21

It's rarely a straight road to recovery and it sounds like you've learned a lot in your 40 days sober - you managed to throw the wine away! That's brilliant!

Most people have slip ups in recovery (I'm working to overcome disordered eating) but you learn along the way and the "failures" become fewer and further between. Keep going, you're doing so well.

mindproject · 25/07/2019 10:21

I think you need to learn to instantly forgive yourself. It's the only way to move forwards, in any situation.

SuzieSunshine · 25/07/2019 10:25

This is a topic very close to my heart and I know exactly how you feel. To cut a very long story short I am today just over 1 year sober. I'd lost count of the number of times I tried to stop and failed BUT as with pp comments you have not failed. You have done incredibly well getting to 40 days and only having this one blip and then to tip the rest down the sink is truly fantastic. It's a daily battle to try to conquer alcoholism so I think you are amazing. Dust yourself off, keep telling yourself it's one tiny setback and the fact that you know you don't like the taste is an added bonus and carry on. The periods of abstinence will get longer but I've found the temptation will always be there. Not sure if I'm allowed to say this but I joined a really supportive forum: www.patient.info/forums and read/post on the alcohol consumption page. All the people on there are in exactly the same boat and are at various stages of dealing with their alcohol problems. No disrespect to any posters on this thread as all the replies are so positive but I have found the patient forum invaluable for me. I wish you all the very best in your ongoing journey and maybe we'll come across each other on the site!! Xxx

MuchTooTired · 25/07/2019 10:34

You had a blip yesterday, but Today is a brand new day! It might help to try visualising all the guilt and having had that drink as a hanky you’re holding in a breeze, and when you’re ready to, let it go and visualise it fluttering away, then if you feel guilty about it again just keep visualising the hanky in the breeze and forgive yourself.

You’re not back at square 1, it was a mistake but that’s not going to define you going forwards for the rest of your life.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/07/2019 10:38

Staying sober through willpower is something very few people can do. I recently celebrated 30 years sober in AA. It's been a breeze after the first few months. And that's because I don't use willpower. AA teaches you to hand the whole thing over. As soon as I accepted that I could have no relationship with alcohol the desire to drink left me.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/07/2019 10:42

It's a daily battle to try to conquer alcoholism so I think you are amazing.

Now if it had been a daily battle for me I'd have been dead long since. No exaggeration. The whole point of AA is that you don't fight. That way you achieve serenity.

BettyCrockaShit · 25/07/2019 10:43

Focus on the small steps and small (in this case, big!) wins OP. You're working towards something incredible, and 40 days is not to be sniffed at. You exercised great self-control in throwing away the last 1/2 bottle, and your remorse today is telling.

Having seen my dad go through similar many years ago, it's rarely a straightforward journey. People fuck up now and again in many different contexts. You're working hard towards your goal, don't lose sight of that. And don't be too harsh on yourself - learn from it and keep going.

Best of luck to you.

SuzieSunshine · 25/07/2019 11:01

Prawnofthepatriarchy Yes the OP said she is going to contact AA in her lunch hour so I hope she can find a path that will suit her on her road to recovery.

LegionOfDoom · 25/07/2019 11:01

Well done op, you did a brave thing. Don’t beat yourself up. It is a huge step that you actually stopped and threw some away. Think back to a couple of months ago. Would you have been able to do this then? You’re making great progress. I believe these little slip ups can sometimes actually because now you know you have the willpower to stop and you don’t actually enjoy drinking

oldwhyno · 25/07/2019 11:06

Well done OP, that's actually a great sign. Recovery is a journey that will be with you for a long time and dealing with moments of weakness is all part of it. If you've nipped that one in the bud so easily you'll have no problem doing it again if necessary. Chin up!

Weepatchesoflove · 25/07/2019 11:08

Hiya, I think you are doing great too and everyone’s else who is managing this. It is not easy, but I would also second getting support somewhere, be that AA or online or somewhere else ~ having people going or having gone through the exact same thing as you are is invaluable. You can learn possible pitfalls and share triumphs with people who actually get it.
My fave analogy (sorry for another one): if you fall asleep before cleaning your teeth, do you chuck away you’re toothpaste and toothbrush ~ as that is it ~ or do you just clean your teeth in the morning and get back to how you were doing it before last night?
Good luck OP and well done so far

Beechview · 25/07/2019 11:16

What good would feeling guilty do?
You just had a blip, realised you don’t want that to happen so hooray for more validation of what you actually want - to not drink, to not waste money, and to not feel disappointed with yourself.

So, go forwards and live the alcohol free life you want and deserve.

TuesdaySunshine · 25/07/2019 11:42

You're doing well and I don't think you should feel guilty, but neither do I think you should tell yourself it doesn't matter and you've got this licked. I second pp who feel you need the support of AA or similar and it concerns me that you're not planning to tell any family that it happened. Do they know you're trying to go sober? If not, how can they support you? And if so, how will it feel the first time any of them says 'That's xxx days sober now' and you smile and nod but know that actually it isn't that many days but you can't tell them? That's got to make you feel like shit, and I think that's a feeling you could do without during this process. I think you should be honest with one person at least.

To answer your question, I think it's totally reasonable and actually necessary that you should feel fucking awful, but also necessary to move on from this moment and not let it mean something bigger than it does.

LonelyTiredandLow · 25/07/2019 12:51

Never feel guilty about re-realising why you want to do something.

I've tried to give up smoking around 15 times. It's depressing but I have faith I will get there. I also read a study that said it can take smokers 40 attempts to quit because it is so involved in every part of their life. Addictions are not an on off switch. You are doing your best and many things will trigger just one of those reasons you drank. Environment, social network, emotional responses to situations, loneliness - there are so many triggers that it is not surprising we relapse. I do wonder if you are getting support externally for it? AA can be off putting as it has an almost ideological view of complete abstinence which can make people feel worse if they don't keep up. There are other support groups that are more open-minded - maybe your GP can advise?

Original poster

smokeytoby · 25/07/2019 14:08

Thank you everyone! I have contacted AA and arranged an initial meeting for next week which I am excited for. My family and DP knew about me going sober and have been entirely supportive, I have told them about last night's drink and they have basically said the same sort of things as everyone on this thread - that it isn't the biggest deal in the world and I'm not back to square 1, I have learnt from it. Thank you so much.

OP posts:

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