To accept this but feel sad

[Confusedandunsure2019]

Before I start I realise I am very lucky at the moment to have our one DC but I can't help feeling that I am not done yet!

So, dh and I have been together for around 15 years, both mid thirties with 1 dc (4 years) we both work full time.

Dh and I talked about having children (multiple) for years but wanted to enjoy ourselves first and get a house etc, which we did and then we had dc.

By all accounts I didn't have the smoothest pregnancy (lots of additional checks and scans) and labour didn't go to plan either (induction, emergency C Section and a post partum haemorrhage) but we were both fine. Dh has told everyone that he felt he nearly lost me.

6 hours after I have birth, I remember him saying that we were never going through that again, and in my sleep deprived and drug induced state I think I agreed.

The problem is I do want another child, or at least I want to try. Dh is adamant he doesn't want to. That he is done at 1. And he will end up resenting menif we try and I fall pregnant.

However I know I will regret not at least trying, and will resent him for not wanting to try.

We are now at a stalemate, so the more i think about it the more i think it will be me backing down and we won't try, but i am struggling with that. To the point that i struggle to be close to dh because i feel like he is taking my choice away from me. However I understand he has a choice as well.

Not sure what I am looking for really, just feeling very down about it tonight. Also I turn 37 soon so now that I don't have that much time left to make a decision.

Well done if you made it to the end.

You have my sympathy, ConfusedandUnsure.

If one of you is adamant that they don't want a baby then, I believe, there should be no baby. However you could weigh up the pros and cons with a doctor who may be able to reassure your husband that second time around things will be easier. It could have the opposite effect of course in which case I think you must accept it and just be glad you have a child.

Feeling broody is perfectly natural but it doesn't last, there are other things in life.

I hope you and your husband can come to an agreement on this.

@Confusedandunsure2019 - if you both wanted more than one child at the beginning, it sounds to me like the trauma of nearly losing you during the first pregnancy is what had put your husband off having another child.

I think it may be worth seeing an expert in this field who can reassure him that a traumatic pregnancy is not the norm and is not likely to happen again? Also since you didn't have it easy the first time, maybe you can reassure him that you will take time for self-care, early maternity leave etc to make sure things go smoothly..

But it sounds like the root-cause of his objecting is out of love for you and fear of losing you. Perhaps if you re-frame it like that maybe you can accept his decision?

I think, as he’s the one who has changed his mind through trauma, it would be honourable of him to explore his thinking and feelings on the subject with a therapist.

If he does the work and still feels the same then I guess you’ve got a decision to make and I’m so sorry

Have you had a proper debrief of what happened during your pregnancy and how likely it is to happen again?

I do know couples that have actively chosen not to have any more DC because of high risk pregnancy.

@Confusedandunsure2019 this is a really tricky situation and I feel for you, it must be hard on both of you to be experiencing polar opinions.

When you talk about this with your DH is it an open conversation or does t usually end in an argument?

If I'm honest from the way you've framed it, it doesn't sound likely that your DH will change his mind. It sounds like his trauma from your birth experience has really affected him (I'm sure it affected you much more!!). Have you ever had a discussion about his feelings on this other than he witnessed this and that, more so how he's left feeling about it and his fears?

I think it's something that the two of you are going to have to talk about in a very frank way at some point, as all of this bubbling away cannot he healthy, as you have said yourself you are finding yourself retreating from him. And if you come to a decision I think you'll both have to accept it as final.

I had a very difficult birth with DC1, which led to PTSD for both me and DH. DC2 was unexpected and we both worried enormously about how labour would be 2nd time around so we chose to hire an independent midwife who helped us both overcome our fears. DC2 was a very straightforward delivery, which DH chose not to attend as he’d found the first so traumatic. I suspect this was partly why it went so much better

Is it another baby or another birth he’s worried about?

Are you able to discuss it fully? it sounds as if you are willing to risk it, but you know how it felt and he only knows how it felt to watch...

If the actual parenting of a 4yr old is going well could you focus on that during a conversation or is he still hung up on the labour and delivery?

If you are resentful already it needs to be discussed as that resentment isn't going anywhere and he is saying he would resent you...he doesn't know that if it is based on a shitty labour ward experience alone but you are already resentful

My first was horrific, a week in hospital, third slipped out without much ado at 6am and home by 10am but anyone watching the first would think I was nuts getting pregnant again.

I have tried talking to dh recently as DC will soon be going to school and therefore our nursery costs reduce so I feel now is a good time to seriously consider it. When I brought the subject up, all I got was 'we are not talking about this now' and dh walking off, and then the next time 'stop going on about it, I don't want to talk now'.

Since having DC my job has changed and I have had 2 promotions, and worked hard to get where i am. But dh isn't supportive of that either, and if for any reason I happen to run late and can't make it home for dinner (happens 1 or 2 times a month maybe) I get him sulking and saying things like how would we manage a second if I can't even get home for dinner with 1! I'm always home for bedtime unless I am travelling which is pre-planned.

However if DH wants to go out and miss dinner then that's fine and I have to work everything round that to make sure he can go out!

Oh. There are much bigger issues with how he treats you then already. That's not a normal way to behave towards someone you care for and respect and want to see flourish.

Has he always been like that with the shutting you down about things that are important to you, and criticising you for things he happily does himself?

TBH I don't think you should have another one because your relationship doesn't sound rock solid.

He sounds like an arsehole even without the question about a second child, tbh. He isn’t remotely fair in the way he treats you!

I was in this situation once and the thought of never having a second child was so upsetting. It was even more upsetting because it was my DH making that choice for me and I felt like he was denying me something I really wanted. I ultimately did end up getting a second baby but I don’t know how our marriage would have panned out if he had never agreed to TTC because I would have had such resentment towards him.

However - your DH sounds like a selfish twat so on that basis I would avoid having a second child with him because 100% he will leave everything to you, he will resent you, blame you for things, not parent the children, trot out the “well you wanted this” lines when things get tough and use it as his ‘get out of jail free’ card to absolve him from his responsibilities.

He sounds horrible.

Have you considered that a second child might be more important to you than he is?

I wouldn't live my life regretting that I didn't have more children. There are plenty of great people who want that in their lives. I'd have to find one who want what I want.

I had a traumatic labour ending in c section with DS and there’s no way DP would want to see me go through that again as the birth really affected our relationship for quite some time. But he’s fine with another child so long as it’s an elective c section, which it would be.

This is such a tricky one because neither of you is 'right' or 'wrong', it's just a different opinion. However, he owes you the right to at least sit down and have a proper conversation about it and explain your feelings to each other before making a decision.

Agree with pp that he sounds selfish and misogynist. I guess that's a separate thread though.

It doesn't sound like he really wants to even talk to you properly. He sulks. He avoids conversations and shuts you down. Are you sure its even a good idea to have another child with him?

Sounds like there's other stuff going on too. It may be related to the birth but he seems to resent the restrictions that parenthood puts on you, and he's right that two are much harder in many ways, especially 5 years apart (very different needs). The complaining about you being late but thinking it's fine for him to go out is a real red flag. If you could attend counselling it might be good, but otherwise I'm worried for you, not all people adjust to parenting even though they thought they wanted it

From your update it doesn't sound like you should try as there appears to be more general communication difficulties and perhaps resentment/ jealousy on his part due to your successful career. Sounds like he feels he will pick up more household / childcare work which he doesn't want to.

My bf had a second baby against her dh wishes. It killed their marriage in the end, both the exhaustion of two and the resentment it caused. Her dh never bonded with the child he didn’t want, and they ended their twenty year marriage in acrimony.

The only question you should be asking yourself is do you want a child more than your marriage?

Is it more important than anything else?

I say this kindly your hormones are in overdrive and probably driving the need for a baby. I experienced similar. That said I understand you won’t want to have regrets.

“Ok, if now is not a good time to talk, when works for you? I can do tomorrow evening after DC goes to bed or Saturday afternoon when he is at his grans” DH tries to deflect you.
“I know you don’t want to discuss this now, but as you know this a very important subject and it does need to be discussed. Please show some respect and consideration of my feelings and tell me when this conversation can take place”
I recommend having a plan of what to say when the conversation takes place. Google DEAR MAN, it’s a therapy tool for helping people have difficult conversations, which it sounds like this one will be given the hugely emotive subject and your husbands avoidance.

I really think you should try to get him into couples counselling. There are obviously a lot of powerful unspoken emotions going on here that are affecting your relationship more widely. I really think it would benefit you both to talk it all through. Not with the sim of changing anyone’s mind but just so you really feel heard by the other.

Maybe you end up with another child, maybe not but this simmering, silent hurt is killing your love for each other.

The only question you should be asking yourself is do you want a child more than your marriage

^^this.

Initially I was sympathetic to him and wondered why you seemed to be dismissing his experience of your birth (he 'told everyone he felt he nearly lost you', though you don't seem to feel the same). Your post about how he reacts to you being late home gives a bigger picture and puts this 'telling everyone' into context. It seems he wants things to be all about him (hence him co-opting your birth experience - I'm sure it was hard for him too, obviously, but the way your perspectives seem to differ suggests this in the wider context - and the fuss he makes when you're late home, while it's entirely normal and expected that you tie yourself into knots facilitating his stuff) and part of his rejection of a second child will be about not wanting to go down the list of priorities.

I don't think you should have a second child with him, and I do think you should reconsider your marriage, but I also don't think your priority, if you decide to end it, should be to rush out and find someone else to have another child with (as some are suggesting here).

I have nothing to add in the short term, but would like to assure you that in the long term the craving for a second child will (eventually!) disappear.

DH and I were unable to have a second child and I genuinely thought it was the end of the world at the time, particularly as everyone else seemed to be pregnant, whether they wanted to be or not.

Some years down the line I've grown to accept it and be grateful for what we have . We've been able to give DS opportunities that would not have been possible if we had other DC's, and we have our "adult" life back.

At the time the situation seemed life changing, but ultimately I have come to make peace with it.