To accept this but feel sad

[Confusedandunsure2019]

Before I start I realise I am very lucky at the moment to have our one DC but I can't help feeling that I am not done yet!

So, dh and I have been together for around 15 years, both mid thirties with 1 dc (4 years) we both work full time.

Dh and I talked about having children (multiple) for years but wanted to enjoy ourselves first and get a house etc, which we did and then we had dc.

By all accounts I didn't have the smoothest pregnancy (lots of additional checks and scans) and labour didn't go to plan either (induction, emergency C Section and a post partum haemorrhage) but we were both fine. Dh has told everyone that he felt he nearly lost me.

6 hours after I have birth, I remember him saying that we were never going through that again, and in my sleep deprived and drug induced state I think I agreed.

The problem is I do want another child, or at least I want to try. Dh is adamant he doesn't want to. That he is done at 1. And he will end up resenting menif we try and I fall pregnant.

However I know I will regret not at least trying, and will resent him for not wanting to try.

We are now at a stalemate, so the more i think about it the more i think it will be me backing down and we won't try, but i am struggling with that. To the point that i struggle to be close to dh because i feel like he is taking my choice away from me. However I understand he has a choice as well.

Not sure what I am looking for really, just feeling very down about it tonight. Also I turn 37 soon so now that I don't have that much time left to make a decision.

Well done if you made it to the end.

It's a tricky one, your DH found your last pregnancy so traumatic that he doesn't want to risk another and who can blame him? He must have felt very helpless and worried - what if a second pregnancy became equally problematic? He'd be beside himself. Would it be fair to put him through that again?

There's no compromise either, you either go through another pregnancy or you don't. It's a hellish problem and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

I think you have to decide.

You can stay with husband and only have one.

You can leave husband and have a second alone or hope to find someone new to have a baby with.

Your job sounds good so I am sure you could manage alone and with a child in school you have childcare weekdays sorted if you do decide to go it alone.

I think you just have to imagine both scenario's and think what you prefer. I definitely don't want a second and if my husband was adamant he wanted to try I would get a divorce as I am like your husband, 100 percent sure I'm one and done.

The only question you should be asking yourself is do you want a child more than your marriage

^^That with Bells on.

If it helps, broodiness doesn’t last forever, it is the hormones doing the thinking rather than your head. I wanted more kids for about 7 years and was fascinated with babies during that time, even when I was not a baby fan before mine was born. I went back to be my normal not fussed about holding a baby self eventually and now, that I am entering the perimenopause, I have found myself waving at babies again but I have no desire to have them myself, I suppose is my body telling me I’m soon be ready to perform as a grandmother.

Its not ideal but would he consider a planned C section? Or a surragacy?

The update does suggest that the marriage is far from perfect and that the DH sees himself as more important and less responsible for parenting their existing child than his wife. That does suggest that there's something else to this than fear of losing an adored soulmate...

Conversations or couples therapy are definitely needed - not just regarding the disagreement about family planning but existing double standards around career commitments/ punctuality/ social life.

My first birth was almost identical to the circumstances you describe OP but we had a meeting with the consultant afterwards, and a planned caesarean section at 38 weeks with dc2 went absolutely smoothly. Avoiding labour was agreed before ttc.

Why do people suggest surrogacy? It's like a poster asking about her unhappy sex life and posters suggesting prostitution - pregnancy too risky? Buy the use of a poorer woman's body and deliberately create a baby predestined before conception to be removed from their mother at birth and denied the fourth trimester. Why not - it's a consumer's world, babies and women are commodities to be bought!

There's a few different things in here but mostly what jumps out at me is the lack of communication. Is he like this with everything or just the baby issue?

It's ok for him not to want another after what happened. It's not ok to refuse to talk about it.

Also the way he treats you and dc appear to be entirely your responsibility is worrying. If you had another child would he step up or just leave everything to you? Has he always been like this with dc1?!

If things were otherwise ok in your marriage I would suggest therapy for him to at least unburden what happened in dcs birth and talking to consultants about what they could do for a safe second birth - planned c section etc.

But it sounds like you would be having two dc to look after yourself with little to no input from dh. Is that what you want?

We had a pretty traumatic birth with dc1. Dh was very upset and wouldn't talk about it for years. Seeing drs helped us both and we tried for dc2 as we had always wanted but I was monitored throughout and had a planned section. We felt in control and the drs were very good explaining everything to us.

But we talked to each other and more importantly listened to each other. There sounds like more serious issues here.

I'm always surprised on these threads when people suggest leaving their partner to find someone else to have a child with even though it would mean breaking up the existing child's family unit. Definition of selfish. Your existing child should come first.

Either way, it sounds like one of you will need help coming to terms with the decision.

If I were you, I’d book some therapy sessions for both of you. Work through the feelings stemming from the traumatic birth, and you may find the question resolves itself. It’s the lack of processing and talking that has you so stuck.

Being stuck works for his position, not yours. He’s waiting out the clock, isn’t he?

Side note: I’m amazed (and impressed) that you’d want to go again. I never had one single moment’s regret in sticking with ‘One and done’ after my DD’s traumatic birth.

It seems there are more problems than just having another child. Is he controlling in other areas? Is he insecure / angry about your work success?

WRT the baby issue: standard rule is if one person doesn't want one, you don't have one together. However, as PP said, as he has changed his mind, he owes you exploring this with a counsellor.

Your not stuck with him you could meet someone else and have a child with them or via a donor.

The standard mumsnet response is that if one parent doesnt want another one then there shouldn't be another one.

However it depends if he doesnt want another one as he doesnt like how your lives have changed after a baby, or he doesnt as he is worried about the birth. If its trauma following the birth then he can actually so something about it.

However I think it's really shit that he wont even speak to you about it. He is going back on what youd (loosely and accepting things change) agreed for your family, its changed your view of the future and he diesnt even have the courtesy to discuss it properly so you can stop being in limbo. He needs to speak to you. Tell him you need to and ask when would be a good time and place to talk through it

Agree that its rubbish he moans about you coming home late a couple of times a month. How would you cope with another- the same way you both do now, with one parent stepping up if the other is running late, surely?! Dies he not see how hypocritical he is if he thinks its firm to go out whenever he wants?

What the fuck?! He sits at home sulking because the poor diddum is waiting for you to make dinner? Unless he is seriously ill or disabled, why the fuck isn’t he preparing dinner. He doesn’t give you any praise or congratulations on doing so well in your career.

Initially I was thinking he didn’t want a second, because of trauma, but now I think he’s just a selfish fucker that has got you now and doesn’t want to have to have another child, in case you’re too busy to look after HIM. Jesus woman, why do you want another child with him, when he still hasn’t grown up?

I bet the first was a son.

I'm rushing out so will have to read the full thread later.

My sister was desperate for more than one child, after they had agreed to stop at one, for reasons similar to yours.

It was a bone of contention for months then she fell pregnant, by 'accident' with DN2. As soon as she was born it was almost like a light switched off in my BIL. He went from being the most loving husband to a different person who didn't seem to give a shit. It was very sad to watch. He totally resented her and, to an extent, the baby (this didn't last though and he's a very loving dad) and their marriage didn't last.

The irony is, 7 years later and he's just had a baby with someone else.

I am sorry what you both went through.
I can understand where he is coming from.
He clearly loves you and the fear of loosing you makes him frightened.
Personaly,to be honest enjoy what you both have .
I was broody at one time,but it passes.
Also,if you did have another baby,you will still get broody as it is natural for us women,part and parscel of life.

I'm always surprised on these threads when people suggest leaving their partner to find someone else to have a child with even though it would mean breaking up the existing child's family unit. Definition of selfish. Your existing child should come first.

This, with bells on.

I would add that one of the saddest things I've ever heard was from a colleague, who told her how much she regretted leaving her husband. She said her friends had all egged her on to do it, and she had allowed them to steer her over the edge. She said it was the worst mistake of her life.

'Leave the b@stard' seems to be a very common refrain here on Mumsnet. Some people find it much too easy to encourage others to destroy their relationships.

Rachelover40

If one of you is adamant that they don't want a baby then, I believe, there should be no baby.

Looking at things the other way around, if one of you is adamant that they don't want a baby, and the other one does, then it's sensible to split up.

I don't believe for one minute that it was 'the trauma of the birth' that has informed the OP's husbands decision.

Something to bear in mind is that marriages often break up. The OP will feel mighty sour if they break up when she's forty or forty five, and her husband then marries again and has a couple more children. It happens.

She needs to put herself front and centre, why are women always being told they shouldn't?

That’s so difficult @Confusedandunsure2019

My DH said similar after the traumatic birth of our first child. He found the whole thing terrifying. In fact it triggered an awful post natal depression in him which lasted around 2 years- he was a horrible irritable and sad version of himself who could only see negativity until he eventually recovered.

Once well and we started talking about a second, he was still sure he’d be happy with just one but he was prepared to talk about it, and he was mature enough to see that he couldn’t be the one to deny me more children; he understood that I felt i’d never let go of the regret.

We had number 2 and the birth was great, really straight forward and with all the euphoria that comes from a textbook delivery. He did get depressed again post-natally but we were more aware and he got treated and became well really quickly. When we eventually spoke about a 3rd, he was much more happy about the idea. Another straight-forward delivery later, we both have 3 and are happy with that.

To be honest, I will always be broody and if he wanted number 4, i’d be easily persuaded. But he doesn’t and we’re at the point that practicalities outweigh my broodiness and in balance, i’m content to stop. I was 35 with DC1, 38 DC2 and 42 DC3.

The whole thing has made me very aware of PND in men and I do think it is under recognised. What seemed to happen with each pregnancy was that as I neared the end and got the boost of hormones that gets you excited, nesting and preparing for labour, he just got more and more anxious about everything that could go wrong. Eventually the chronic stress of that tipped him over into depression in the aftermath. With hindsight, what at first seemed a tricky spell in our marriage was a clear illness -he was anxious all the time, irritable, not sleeping, catastrophising, with plummeting self-esteem.

No idea if any of this is relevant to your situation OP, but if he has changed a lot since the birth it might be worth considering if his mental health has been affected and whether that needs to be dealt with as well as talking about future children.

You already have two babies.

She needs to put herself front and centre, why are women always being told they shouldn't?

Because if women want to be part of a successful partnership, they have to consider that their own personal interests and desires are not the only consideration.

We desperately wanted a second child. After struggling for a decade to conceive the first, we ran out of time. It's now never going to happen for us. I've now made peace with the situation; I've had to, because I had no choice. But it was incredibly painful at the time, almost like another loss (after half-a-dozen miscarriages). And I've never forgotten that all-encompassing longing for a sibling for my DC, even though I'm grateful that I have my little family despite all the odds stacked against it.

If my DH had dug in his heels and refused to support me until we both came to the mutual decision to stop trying, I'm not sure the marriage could ever have recovered. He reached the end of the road before I did, but was willing to stay on the journey with me until acceptance became inevitable. We'd have stayed together, I suspect, but the rot would have eventually set in and the love would have died.

I think the above PP's suggestion of couples' counselling is the best advice you've been offered. I second it.

Sending you sympathies OP; it's a horrible, painful situation you're in

Your update suggests it's not about the trauma at all anymore, although that's his excuse, but that he doesn't want the responsibility of another child. Sounds like he resents having to be home for the first one when you're out, but it's ok for him to disappear for his activities...? IF that's true, you already have serious problems that need to be addressed before having another child with this man.

I too think that having a second child sounds more important to you than he does.

I’d think about that. You don’t want to regret it.

I was a single parent and desperately wanted a second child. It was the main criteria for a new relationship. I nearly didn’t get another relationship because of this, but it was worth hanging on until I did.