To accept this but feel sad

[Confusedandunsure2019]

Before I start I realise I am very lucky at the moment to have our one DC but I can't help feeling that I am not done yet!

So, dh and I have been together for around 15 years, both mid thirties with 1 dc (4 years) we both work full time.

Dh and I talked about having children (multiple) for years but wanted to enjoy ourselves first and get a house etc, which we did and then we had dc.

By all accounts I didn't have the smoothest pregnancy (lots of additional checks and scans) and labour didn't go to plan either (induction, emergency C Section and a post partum haemorrhage) but we were both fine. Dh has told everyone that he felt he nearly lost me.

6 hours after I have birth, I remember him saying that we were never going through that again, and in my sleep deprived and drug induced state I think I agreed.

The problem is I do want another child, or at least I want to try. Dh is adamant he doesn't want to. That he is done at 1. And he will end up resenting menif we try and I fall pregnant.

However I know I will regret not at least trying, and will resent him for not wanting to try.

We are now at a stalemate, so the more i think about it the more i think it will be me backing down and we won't try, but i am struggling with that. To the point that i struggle to be close to dh because i feel like he is taking my choice away from me. However I understand he has a choice as well.

Not sure what I am looking for really, just feeling very down about it tonight. Also I turn 37 soon so now that I don't have that much time left to make a decision.

Well done if you made it to the end.

Are you prepared to double your workload, risk doing it on your own, and damaging your career op? I have a lovely dc2 but I couldn’t cope with working ft and doing everything else so now I have no career...your dh isn’t pulling his weight with one, in fact he probably doesn’t even understand that there is an unfair division of labour right now, from what you say.

Your update suggests it's not about the trauma at all anymore, although that's his excuse, but that he doesn't want the responsibility of another child. Sounds like he resents having to be home for the first one when you're out, but it's ok for him to disappear for his activities...? IF that's true, you already have serious problems that need to be addressed before having another child with this man.

Yeah exactly my thoughts, who does he think he is?

I don't think you should have a second child with him as things stand, the marriage does not sound rock solid at all. You both need counselling. He needs to discuss the birth experience and get help with that, you both need to learn how to communicate more efficiently.

He should not be sulking and shutting you down, he’s a grown man ffs. You really need to sit and have a frank conversation, there’s more at play than whether to have another child imo. Your marriage is struggling.

Isn’t it funny that the second update always reveals a different story than the first.
I was going to advise sitting down and having a proper chat about the birth and what happened. Also suggesting that you could have a planned c section/more time off this time around but after what you said about him in your update I think going to couples counselling BEFORE trying to get pregnant would the best for everyone.

Take care x

While it doesn’t sound like he’s being as equal in parenting now, I think that it’s one thing to discuss how many children you’d like pre-first - and quite another thing to be confronted by the reality of parenting.

Your first child is about to start school - it’s a whole new phase and some people aren’t keen to repeat the early years again.

My situation was very similar to MarielVanArkleStinks. Very painful and I have to say that if it had been my partner dictating we couldn't have another child I would have been filled with resentment I'm sure I wouldn't ever have got over. I can't agree with the people who says that the broodiness goes. Just reading MVAS post made me cry as it put me right back there.
I'd be thinking carefully about whether your marriage will survive if you feel that sort of resentment.

I don't think I can express my thoughts on your situation any better than CatteStreet did (Thu 25-Jul-19 07:48:03), so I'm just going to repeat her post here.

"Initially I was sympathetic to him and wondered why you seemed to be dismissing his experience of your birth (he 'told everyone he felt he nearly lost you', though you don't seem to feel the same). Your post about how he reacts to you being late home gives a bigger picture and puts this 'telling everyone' into context. It seems he wants things to be all about him (hence him co-opting your birth experience - I'm sure it was hard for him too, obviously, but the way your perspectives seem to differ suggests this in the wider context - and the fuss he makes when you're late home, while it's entirely normal and expected that you tie yourself into knots facilitating his stuff) and part of his rejection of a second child will be about not wanting to go down the list of priorities.

I don't think you should have a second child with him, and I do think you should reconsider your marriage, but I also don't think your priority, if you decide to end it, should be to rush out and find someone else to have another child with (as some are suggesting here)."

The advice to leave a partner because they don’t want a child is selfish and ridiculous.

The truth here is that if there are already children in the equation then the need/want for another child is not just about the person wanting one, especially if the suggestion is to break up the existing child’s family to get what might never actually happen.

And anyone who suggests that going it alone as a single parent with two children possibly even a new baby has very likely never actually done it themselves.

Reality is that most single parents are not single by choice but by circumstance. Wanting another baby isn’t one of those circumstances IMO.

It’s clear that there are issues in the marriage which need resolving, however leave seems to always be the first advice from anyone on here, and we’re running the risk of a generation who are not equipped to deal with any kind of conflict because the norm has become to run away from it.

FWIW I had one child and we struggled to conceive for around eight years afterward. Then one day I went away on a trip and realised that A, I wanted to go back to work rather than spend the next x years as a SAHM, B, that the age gap at this point was too big anyway in my personal view, and that I couldn’t spend the rest of forever longing for something which I never was going to have, as I had one lovely dc already and wished to be grateful for what I had rather than grieving for what I didn’t.

Two years later me and now eXH split, and I thanked my lucky stars that I didn’t have two children because being a single parent to one was hard enough. Now he’s a teenager and the thought of having two teenagers even within a relationship is something I would never want to contemplate. And the thought of having another baby now fills me with horror - I am so done with that ta very much. :D

I think the fact he won't discuss it or even talk about your sadness over it is very worrying and shows potential communication issues in the relationship that may affect other areas and other major decisions beyond this one later in life. I would try to sort those issues out first, rather than simply focusing on the second dc (although I do recognise that time isn't necessarily on your side for delaying ttc).

He sounds like he treats you appallingly OP. On the baby front, I would have been devastated if my DH hadn’t wanted more, our relationship would not have survived

Go
For it ..
Life is too short ... sleep deprivation doesn’t end though when they grow up :0( ... I worry endlessly and I’m getting sleepless nights with worry atm
But ... I would be lost without them ... they are my world and my hubby ❤️❤️❤️

From your other posts, this doesn't sound as though it's just about a traumatic birth. He's being controlling and unsupportive across your life. I think you need to give serious thought to whether you want to give up your chance of another child for someone who doesn't respect you enough to have the conversation, who doesn't support your career and complains if he has to give his DC dinner.
I wouldn't be accepting of the dynamic in your relationship at all.

I can actually understand why people talk about ending their marriage over things like this. I can imagine how the resentment could kill feelings for someone, which is why whichever way it goes, counselling should be involved.

However, given your update, I don't think your husband sounds particularly supportive in general and I couldn't deal with the sulking

Also, for those advocating the sperm donor route. While I personally don’t agree with having children by donation anyway there are other considerations apart from that.

So you have a child via sperm donor, and history repeats itself and you run into birth complications and don’t survive. So your child via donor will likely go into care as there are no existing family, or if your family take them on your other child would go back to live with his dad and probably never see their sibling or have a relationship with them.

It sounds doom and gloom but is definitely something to be considered. I do now have a serious, life-limiting illness and I have very nearly died three times in the past three years and I will likely die of this in the future, although not the near future according to my consultant.

However, if I’d had more children by someone else my death would totally split up a family in ways you can never imagine at the time you’re considering either going it alone with a donor or having more children by a different partner.

for you op it's a tough situation which I now understand from both sides. Dd1 was preemie with complications for me which lasted 6 months but when she was 3 we FTC again. Dh kind of went with the flow. We conceived after 4 months and it was 2 the first baby stopped growing at 13 weeks but the second held on another few weeks. When we lost him too I was offered surgery but it would be 4 days. The next day I began bleeding and it got out of control I had my son on the bathroom floor and haemorrhaged so badly I needed a blood transfusion and emergency surgery, I almost didn't make it. Dh was there until they rushed me down (he's not good with blood etc so that was quite impressive tbf) and really thought he'd lost me. He flatly refused to talk about it or try again until one night he'd had a few drinks and broke down. We talked it through and he agreed he did want another but was terrified. We saw our gp who helped reassure him and it took awhile to conceive again but we did have another dd.

There are two issues here OP.

1. Your DH is dismissive of you, doesn't want to talk about issues that are important to you, treats your job as unimportant and you as merely an appendage to his life, an inconvenient appendage at times when you don't get home on time and play your role in supporting him and his job, allowing him to do whatever he wants without the inconvenience of having to worry about his DC.

2. You want another DC with this man (God only knows why, since he's such an arsehole about the first, but anyway ...). Since he won't actually talk to you about why he doesn't want another, things are extra hard to figure out. Is it because he doesn't want to go through another high risk pregnancy and scary delivery? Or is it that he was unrealistic about what having a DC actually entails and now that he knows he doesn't want to have another because he knows it means lots of extra expense and tons of extra inconvenience and he just doesn't want to further complicate your lives? Without that info it's hard to figure out what his objection is.

As for your scary first delivery, it's actually not that uncommon to have a post-partum hemorrhage and now that the medics know you're prone to this, the next time should be better (my friend had this after all three of her deliveries and they were ready for it on the second and third occasions, so it was way less scary than the panic of the first time).

I had a major pph due to fragmented placenta and dh hated talking about it - he said he could see it all as he was standing over me. I do think birth can be very traumatic for men too as helpless bystanders.

He was very quiet and worried during dc2’s birth, but I had a special drip to help and it didn’t happen the second time.

I agree though, you need counselling over this issue and the division of labour.

my job has changed and I have had 2 promotions, and worked hard to get where i am. But dh isn't supportive of that either
So why do you want another child with this 'man' and leave yourself even more dependent on him and vulnerable?
You've got bigger problems than a change of mind over having more dc.

You need to get professional help to sort out the real issues in your relationship before you start thinking about exposing yet another child to this crap.

He just doesn't want another one, you'll have to make your peace with that one way or another. Perhaps he is using your difficult birth as an excuse, but still, he doesn't want another.

I think you should focus on the problems in your marriage first. It sounds like he does not treat you as an equal partner.

And anyone who suggests that going it alone as a single parent with two children possibly even a new baby has very likely never actually done it themselves.

I have, and I'm very happy I did. I am a single parent by choice, it's what worked for me.

It may not be everyone's ideal but it is a viable option, and should be considered as one possibility amongst others, so that OP has all the cards in hand to make an informed choice.

As for people saying that the current dc's needs trump everything else : I disagree. A person doesn't stop having wants and needs upon being a parent, and those shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

Obviously you should consider the current child's well being when deciding what to do, but there are many other factors to consider. Also, would the existing dc be so much better off in a family unit where his parents actively resent each other ? Or with parents separated but who have a decent relationship ? I don't have the answer to that, and it probably depends on many factors, but I know what I would prefer if I was that child.

As for the "get a sperm donor but what if you die" scenario - what about conventional families where both parents die ? In a car crash, for instance. Bottom line, anything can happen and "what-if's" are not a great reason to not do something. And you can make provisions for what might happen.

If I died my parents or siblings would take care of my kids.

I'm not saying the OP should do this. It works for me but may not work for everyone. She should consider all existing options and think long and hard about what she wants and what she is willing to do to get it.

If it helps, broodiness doesn’t last forever

But regret does.

At first I was thinking I could understand where your dh was coming from but given your update I think you are being set up to fail to prove a point.

I don't even think this is about children but more about you getting the promotions.

I think he would be grumbling even if you weren't even wanting another baby.

Whilst everyone is asking the question if you want a baby more than your marriage. If you turn this around you have to ask the question, given he said he nearly lost you, does he want to continue in the marriage more than him not wanting another child.