To be annoyed with friend's smugness

[ratherstuck]

We've recently moved away from an area where there was only one school with a good reputation, it is also a catholic school. We are not catholic and didn't think we could ever get in to the school so we moved to another area where there are more school choices. My friend started to panic that they are not in a position to move so their dc will have to go to one of the less sought after schools.
Moving away was a decision that was right for our family, there were other reasons why it made sense. I started to feel like my friend resented me for moving, my DC got in to a lovely school and she often grilled me over what the school is like, felt like she was trying to pick holes. She started being a bit rude about the area we moved to as well. She was so worried, she placed her dc in to the nursery attached to the catholic school and got a c of e vicar to write them a letter to say they attended church. They don't, and they are not religious. Their DC came home from nursery clearly having been influence by the ethos and she made fun of it. This annoyed me as they want to send their dc to a religious school but does not follow the faith!
Anyway, the news is that they actually got in! I was happy for them as it is a nice school. But now she is being really smug because she thinks we moved away for nothing. We were clear that schools were only part of the reason. She is making comments along the lines of them still living in a nicer area with a sought after school, whereas we've gone to the effort of moving away and now live in a "less nice area".
I know this all sounds silly now seeing it all written down. But I might snap and point out that they lied to get in to their school!

My daughter is in a faith school, we live in the catchment area and they did not ask any questions about your religion.

I do know you can get in outside of the catchment area if you attend their church but I think that contributes to a small percentage of students.

Let's not hate on faith schools.

She's not a "friend".

Thanks you everyone, I've just caught up with your posts. I won't really say anything to her and we don't really meet on our own now but will see each other at parties and get togethers. She has always been quite competitive, about salaries, cars and houses 😩. I can't stand taking money but she will anyway. I'm dreading SATs time as it'll be this competition all over again. I don't think I'll ever shake her off as she is part of a group of friends.
I know my dc has just had a fantastic reception year with a teacher we are going to miss so much.

^talking money

My child goes to a faith school but not by choice. We applied for places at the local non faith schools but didn't get in.

I would never have chosen a faith school and after having a child at a very good one for three years, I still maintain that opinion. If it had been a Catholic school I probably would have home educated.

The admissions guide would have given you an idea about how the intake was split in previous years, there is a fair chance your friend got in because it was a distance based calculation rather than the word of a lying vicar!

Regardless, Let her be as smug as she wants. You made the right choice for your family, she made the right one for hers.

While we live in an environment where faith schools outperform secular schools and parents want to do best by their children, it is not surprising and I fully support her. If it bothers people so much they should vote and campaign for more education funding so that there isn't this difference in quality of school .

Friend sounds like a pain. Generally. Just distance yourself, slowly and gradually. This has little to do with schools, or faith, it's just Her herself being not pleasant!

Why are we all so critical of each other? Drives me wild.

My dc go to the local faith school even though I'm not catholic. My mum was and my Dh's family is. It's the best school locally and I'm pleased. Both ds's are very happy and so am I. I attend church occasionally through choice, which I like. I don't feel hypocritical and I don't feel bad!

Oh wow, she sounds incredibly annoying! Not someone who is secure in her own choices at all, which is why she has to make others feel bad about theirs. You have behaved with integrity throughout the process, whereas she has not.

Your friend sounds like a pain and I’d be distancing myself from now on, school admissions is a bit stressful and makes people act crazy but she sounds hugely competitive, it something I could be bothered with entertaining.

Her DC got into the school because they fit the criteria, or because once everyone who did fit the criteria had a place there were still places left. Some years are just bigger than others and then availability for a school changes dramatically each year. Submitting a letter from a priest won’t help a non-catholic child get a place and the LA don’t take any emotional issues into consideration. In short, she didn’t do anything that influenced the decision even if she thinks she did.

Nod, smile, ignore.

Why do you/her want to go to a Catholic school when you're Catholic?

She’s probably lying about how she got it in. I very much doubt the vicar lied on her behalf. Faith schools have to take on a percentage of non-believers and if there aren’t enough believers in the area that percentage goes up as they have to fill the school. My DC got into a great CoE school based on proximity because there aren’t enough practising Christians around here.

Anyway ditch her. Friends aren’t supposed to make you feel bad.

She's not your friend OP. Friends don't behave in this way! Ditch her and move on.

Oh she would drive me mad. I know you say you can't drop her but I would drop contact and engagement as much as possible with her. She sounds insecure and as though she thinks through every little choice she makes to the n'th degree, and compares everything she does to others.

I was friendly with a woman like this (one of dh's friend's wives, so like you, I couldn't really drop her). She would question us about things like this, and then tell us why we were wrong and why her choice was better. She continually makes digs about the way we do things. I am happy to do my own research and make my own choices so it didn't unnerve me in that sense, but it drove me mad that she was constantly picking at us.

In the end I eased off all contact outside of group meet ups, and I tried to talk to other people instead when we did meet up. I also stopped engaging in the conversation and answered with things like "you're probably right" which seemed to cut her dead a little.

A Church of England vicar would have no influence in a catholic school so that makes no sense? She must have met other criteria.

What's the point of having a "friend" who is such an irritant?

At least your kids are not in the same school, so she won't spend her life comparing them too closely. "We are happy with our choice" is the only reply and move on.

I sort of get it. Friends moved closer to be securely in our school catchment and I remember snapping at one when she said ‘oh don’t worry you’ll definitely get in’, thinking ‘yeah well you moved so you’ll be all right’. In retrospect I was rude and she was right, and she had other reasons for moving (social climbing ) but it hard when someone moves out of a house like yours or makes a different school choice, it triggers feeling judged.

why would you feel judged?

I moved to make sure my kids would go in our chosen schools, I am not judging anyone else, it was a private and family decision that worked for us. We could have had a bigger house if we had moved somewhere else, we could have sent them to private school instead.

You only feel judged if you are unsure of your own decision, or have a chip on your shoulder.

Calling your friend a "social climber" because they move in presumably nicer area makes you the jealous drama queen, not them.

Mumof3dragons
I'd never send my kids to a Catholic school to be indoctrinated by a religion that relies on everyone being a sinner and other such shit. Would be my response.

I find that quite offensive. I went to a Catholic school, and wasn't indoctrinated with anything like that. I happily sent my children to CofI, CofE and Catholic schools and they grew up unscarred and un-indoctrinated.

I am incredibly shocked that a vicar lied for them?!? We attend church. We had our vicar sign a sif form. I don’t k or one who would lie on that form. They sign away that you regularly attend church for 2 years!!!

I would totally flag this up!!!!!

I had a 'friend' like this. To cut a long story short, I told her our friendship was over 9 years ago and life has been so much better ever since. DO the same, you won't regret it!

Shes not the only one to do this sadly!.Beats me why people want a Church School for their children ,want to marry in white at a "lovely little church near me" but dont "really" believe in Religion. Talk about being a hypocrite!. As far as the Vicar goes this sounds a bit "off" TBH. Maybe she went for a short while to look as though she was attending regularly .As you have moved now ,maybe look for friends in your new area and slowly come away from this one !

I don’t believe a Vicar wrote her a letter at all.

I’m a Christian but did not send my dc to faith schools, I chose my own faith as a young teenager. If people choose to send their dc to a faith school and that child chooses that religion then that is the young persons choice to make.

You clearly don’t like each other at all so why stay in touch.

Why do you think this person is your friend? She sounds insecure and annoying!

I do wonder just how one sided this was. If you were smug that you were moving away and your kids were getting into a good school and that's why she was picking holes, as she was responding to you.

And now your pissed she did get them into thr school

In my experience these things are never quite as one sided as posters love you to believe.

Put it this way, in your own words you made it clear to her part of the reason you were moving was you did not wish your children to attend the schools you knew it was likely her kids would have to.

So I'm fairly sure she would say the same thing about you as you are about her.