'Work' at home husband

[Gardenartmum]

My husband is self-employed and 'works from home' but this year has hardly had any jobs. I understand there are often spaces between contracts, but he seems to just wait for clients to contact him with no apparent sense of urgency. It's driving me mad. This year he has watched a lot of Amazon Prime, and been out for coffee and beers a lot with his friends.
I am unable to work at the moment because I'm going through a stressful and emotional time looking after ill parents.
We have two small children and desperately need expensive work done to our house - I have a feeling he's been using savings meant for our extension to cover the mortgage and bills.
On top of this he has very little empathy for what I'm going through. He doesn't talk about feelings, and often doesn't even ask about my day.
He is a good dad, that's his saving grace.
He used to be ambitious, driven, motivated. Now it seems he's awarded himself a semi-permanent holiday ('there's never much work around in July and August'!). But he's the breadwinner!
I don't know what to say or what to do without making him angry. This morning when I broached it he just said 'what's made you so interested in my business all of a sudden?!' At the moment he keeps saying 'I need a holiday' - from what I keep asking myself! He's on an almost permanent holiday. Playing with the kids, sunbathing, watching tv....
When I suggest he needs an office outside of the house so he can actually 'go to work' he just says 'that costs money'.
He doesn't even do much around the house and gets cross when asked to 'help'. I'm starting to really dislike him.
Help and advice please!!

Wow ! That dude actually sounds fairly unpleasant.

I'm assuming it wasn't always like this ? What changed ?

I think if you were working then I would have some empathy.
But you don’t. You can hardly berate him for not earning given that he has carried the burden until this point

Ask to see the savings....do you not have access to it?

@thetigerthatcameforteap - that’s pretty mean. She’s taking on the role of caring for parents!

Op - is he really not doing much? I only ask as, I’m in the same position as your dh I that I work from home and it’s my own business. I tend to work more from say 6am until 4ish then yes I do get to watch Netflix or whatever in the summer.

So has he definitely been using the savings to pay bills or are you presuming he is ?

I have a feeling he's been using savings meant for our extension to cover the mortgage and bills.

Why only a feeling? Do you not have access to your own finances to check?

Has he always responded with "anger" to being challenged or pushed or criticised (in this case, fairly), or have you never challenged him before to find out?

Part of running a business is going out and winning work. If he's not doing that then it's not really a business, just a hobby. At most.

What is his business and why is there no work over the summer?
Are you generally struggling financially?

Oh, and by "good dad" do you mean he plays with the kids and does fun stuff?

Because you've said he doesn't pull his weight around the house, so I'm struggling to imagine him doing the tough or boring parts of parenting.

If neither of you is working, how are the bills being paid? It would be unsustainable for most people.

Could he take on some of the care of your parents so you could return to work?

How do you not know how the bills/mortgage are being paid?! 🤦‍♀️

I have a feeling he's been using savings meant for our extension to cover the mortgage and bills.

You need a clear financial picture.

You might need to accept it will be you going out to work. You can’t afford two stay at home parents.

He’s not a good dad if he’s sitting on his arse instead of providing for them.

Uhm you should know exactly where the savings are going..you need to communicate

How long have you been out of work and caring for your parents? Did you discuss it as a team decision, that it was the best thing for your family? Trying to understand what may have prompted your DH to have downed tools if he’s always been proactive before.

Sounds like he’s depressed to me and you’re being slightly hard on him.

How do you only have a ‘feeling’ about him depleting savings? You need trust or you need open finances.

Why are neither of you actually working? How are you surviving? He sounds lazy and unmotivated.

I also think it's striking that there's nothing about his feelings in your post, when you're accusing him of not asking about yours.

how are either of you paying bills with no money coming in?

I think you need to know what is coming in (nothing?) and going out and sort it out together. What on earth are you living on?

Where is the money coming from to pay the mortgage? Are you not able to see this or have access to it?

Do you get carer's allowance? That would help a little towards bills.

You “suspect” he’s spending your savings? It’s pretty concerning that you don’t appear to have access to your own money. You need to resolve that as soon as possible.

Rather than direct your attention at his lack of work I think you need to suggest a conversation about your financial situation. Find out what your incomings and outgoings are and work out how long you can sustain the lack of income and what you are jointly going to do about it.

You're being unfair. How long have you not been working? Have you had a discussion during which he agreed to financially support you forever?
Has it occurred to you that if his business is struggling you could get a job to help financially? Or that using savings to keep afloat might actually be reasonable?
Or is it actually that you're just pissed off that it might take a bit longer to get your flippin extension?

Just to be absolutely clear, are you a SAHP? Also taking on caring duties for elderly parents?

That's what I've understood from your post but you've already had a shitty comment from some other PP about not working so it would be good to clear up whether you are doing unpaid work (which is every bit as valid as working outside the home, btw).