'Work' at home husband

[Gardenartmum]

My husband is self-employed and 'works from home' but this year has hardly had any jobs. I understand there are often spaces between contracts, but he seems to just wait for clients to contact him with no apparent sense of urgency. It's driving me mad. This year he has watched a lot of Amazon Prime, and been out for coffee and beers a lot with his friends.
I am unable to work at the moment because I'm going through a stressful and emotional time looking after ill parents.
We have two small children and desperately need expensive work done to our house - I have a feeling he's been using savings meant for our extension to cover the mortgage and bills.
On top of this he has very little empathy for what I'm going through. He doesn't talk about feelings, and often doesn't even ask about my day.
He is a good dad, that's his saving grace.
He used to be ambitious, driven, motivated. Now it seems he's awarded himself a semi-permanent holiday ('there's never much work around in July and August'!). But he's the breadwinner!
I don't know what to say or what to do without making him angry. This morning when I broached it he just said 'what's made you so interested in my business all of a sudden?!' At the moment he keeps saying 'I need a holiday' - from what I keep asking myself! He's on an almost permanent holiday. Playing with the kids, sunbathing, watching tv....
When I suggest he needs an office outside of the house so he can actually 'go to work' he just says 'that costs money'.
He doesn't even do much around the house and gets cross when asked to 'help'. I'm starting to really dislike him.
Help and advice please!!

He must be using the savings if neither of you have an income

Did he agree to be the sole wage earner? Or did you presume he would just do that when you said your parents where ill?

I've known other people in your situation where it was agreed and the wife did the business books which allowed the husband to help out with the parents.

You can't be a SAHP if there's no money coming in.

If I were you I'd be looking for a job ASAP. You can't rely on him to support you financially so you need to take steps to make sure you can do it yourself.

I’m not sure OP needs to panic - her DH doesn’t appear to be panicking, after all.

OP needs to know the financial picture, and needs to get to the bottom of why things seem to have changed. It all sounds very closed off and non-communicative.

Not sure if he is a good dad if he is not bothered about working or getting the bills paid or helping you to care for your parents.

When my dh first became self employed he was either working or looking for work constantly. We had a baby then and dh used to come home for tea and then be out most evenings doing quotes and seeing customers. Simply going out for coffee or beers will not build his business.

I think you need to sit down together and discuss your financial situation and how bills are getting paid and go from there with a clear plan.

If he doesn’t ‘help’ around the house then he isn’t a good dad.

ladiespassiton.com/2017/06/12/i-do-not-help-my-wife/

Get a job and protect your financial independence.

But how much does he earn?

I could work the equivalent of 2 hours a day and would earn £600 a week, that might give the impression that I was doing nothing?

For some households that would be enough.

@Grobagsforever - read the OP again.

OP is working. She is looking after ill parents, and 2 small children, as well as housework.

You need an honest chat about finances, and how the bills are getting paid.

And LostInNorfolk, what job do you do???

I'm not sure you're in a position to criticise given you're not working either. One or both of you need to get a job!

I agree with tiger

Do you have access to the finances? I'd be scrutinizing those in fine detail to see what he's earned recently and if he has used the savings.

Of course it's your business!

You should know what's going on with your finances. When someone's self-employed, I think this is what savings should cover; the lean times. I understand that's not what they've been earmarked for, but that's where you are right now.

If he's not trying to bring in more clients he should be doing that, though. I've always been the breadwinner in my family, and I do think people discount how stressful that is.

@saraclara I've read it and she needs to protect herself, ALL WOMEN DO. Her DH has to step up and do half the wifework including parent care, they are his family too. It's beyond unacceptable that women are pushed out the workforce due to caring responsibilities. Bet no one would expect her brother (if she has one) to not work and care for parents. Yet woman are just supposed to suck it up.

We have two small children and desperately need expensive work done to our house
Financially providing for your family is BOTH your responsibility.

I am unable to work at the moment because I'm going through a stressful and emotional time looking after ill parents
So that's the excuse you're using to opt out of paid work?

He used to be ambitious, driven, motivated. Now it seems he's awarded himself a semi-permanent holiday
Whilst you've awarded yourself the same....
Yet you're pissed off that HE isn't 'actively' doing more?

At the moment he keeps saying 'I need a holiday' - from what I keep asking myself! He's on an almost permanent holiday. Playing with the kids, sunbathing, watching tv....
Well you're not employed - so the same applies to you.

I have a feeling he's been using savings meant for our extension to cover the mortgage and bills
Why don't you have the facts?
You SHOULD know the ins and outs of your joint finances - there is absolutely no excuse not to.

It seems that you've abdicated all financial and admin responsibility to your dh - and then you undermine him when he tells you that he needs a break.

Household chores should be divvied up between you, and both of you should be doing this.
You need a 'plan' to manage this around his work and your daytime hours so you BOTH get a chance to have downtime and a break.

HE isn't the problem here - the double standards you apply are the problem.
You're supposed to be a partnership, it needs you BOTH to pull your weight to work.

I agree that you definitely need access to the full financial situation. You should know if he is using savings or not!

Is this new? It's not admirable behaviour but he does sound a bit depressed, especially if he used to be on top of things?

I'm afraid you need to better than "having a feeling" about how your mortgage is being paid/what your savings account looks like. Don't let anyone have total control over your security, you need to know.

If you don’t know about the savings and mortgage isn’t that financial abuse?

This from Martin Lewis explains financial abuse.
blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2019/06/martin-lewis--financial-abuse--joint-accounts-and-managing-money/

I have a feeling he's been using savings meant for our extension to cover the mortgage and bills.

OP, this is a much bigger problem than idleness.
WHY don't you know the exact status of both your savings & mortgage accounts? You need to find out. Now.

You need to sit down without the kids and talk about you both are going to bring money in to the household and pay for the mortgage, bills etc. I find it shocking you don't know how this is already happening when you know he's not working! It's sounds like you both need to find some paid employment and quickly.

If you don’t know about the savings and mortgage isn’t that financial abuse?
No. That's called laziness, choosing not take personal responsibility and not bothering to even know the facts about the finances you rely on.

Abuse is when you're either overtly or covertly being denied access to money and/or full financial disclosure of joint/family finances.

From the information given, OP does have access to the money, she's just checked out of taking any personal responsibility for family finances - and that includes knowing how the day to day expenses are being met.

I think you need to look for work, you can't afford to look after your parents if you're struggling as a one income family. Your DH needs to step up but you're in a difficult position criticising him when you aren't working either.