To avoid my friends for a while. SN child and I’m jealous.

[DefConOne]

Really struggling seeing my friends DC leaving year 6. They are all doing so well with academic and sports achievements. All enjoying parties and leavers assemblies. My DC is at special school as has been unable to cope in mainstream due to her ASD. She isn’t happy about it.

I feel like a bitter, jealous cow but I can’t join in with the conversations and it is really painful. Luckily I have a few child free friends so I am trying to spend time with them.

Do I just suck it up and nod and smile while my friends chat about their DC, or just avoid them for a while?

That’s tough. I think everyone would feel similarly in your position, no matter how much you love your DD. Do whatever you can to make yourself cope with your emotions.

I think you are not BU to gently avoid them for a while. You need to protect yourself to keep strong

and more

YANB at all U

I think it is perfectly reasonable to give yourself a break from the conversations that you are finding difficult. And you shouldn’t be calling yourself names either - you are not bitter, jealous or a cow, and I will use my sternest Stern Face if you do it again!

This is a difficult time for you - I would guess that, on some level, you are mourning the school days and achievements that your dd is not getting, and that is entirely understandable, in my opinion.

So be kind to yourself - take a step back for a while, if that is what you need.

YANBU. It's heartbreaking to see your child struggle at normal life when everyone else's DC take it for granted.

How is she doing at her specialist school? Is she thriving there?

It's hard OP; been there, done that. I got by by nodding and smiling - than bawling when I got home.💐

YANBU at all.
However, I’m surprised you’re not in a tight unit of solidarity with the other SN mums. Both families I know whose children have been withdrawn from mainstream have formed very close bonds with other families at the SN school.
Perhaps it could help to foster these friendships so that you have people in similar situations to relate to?

Are they good friends? Can you tell them how you feel?

Hugs. Two girls with asd. One in mainstream, one in specialist. It can be very hard to relate to people whose children are going through life on a “normal” journey. Be kind to yourself.

It’s so hard - all my mum friends talking about potty training, their kids talking and singing and dancing... I’m really struggling too at the moment. Definitely take a step back if you need to.

Can’t you talk to them about how you feel?

If they’re real friends they’ll get it! And yes, this is a huge part of their children’s lives, and therefore their lives, but I’m sure they can talk about other stuff when they’re with you!

I was in a similar-ish position for years except that I was childless (not by choice) and all my friends and family had kids.

I avoided them whenever I could - feigned sickness, refused invitations, stopped calling them.

Now I have a lovely dc and thankfully, my friends didn't give up on me and we are close again.

When I look back on that time, I really regret it. On top of my sadness at infertility, I was also sad because I missed my friends. I should have stayed in touch and met up with them. I missed out on lots of stuff in their lives and lots of good times because of it.

If they're your friends, they will be there for you during your sadness but also will buoy you up. And while it seems like their lives are perfect, I bet they're not. They may not have the problems you have, but they do have problems and hearing about other people's lives can give you perspective on your own.

I've worked in special schools and know you are not alone in how you are feeling, it doesn't make it suck any less but your feelings are normal

What I do in your circumstance is that I think of my child being much younger, because developmentally they are, then I don’t end up comparing him to peers of his own age and I can enjoy his development at his own pace and take pride in that. One other thing DS has absolutely astounded us with his development in some areas, way beyond that of his peers, secretly I am totally smug ass about those.

Totally understand where you're coming

Is there one you could confide in who could help out if you get stuck in a situation where everyone's talking about their DCs achievements?

YANBU

I know just how you feel OP. My DS has ASD and has just finished year 6 at a special school. I've had to see all his old mainstream school friends wearing their leavers sweatshirts, going on leavers trips, having leavers discos, and I have been green with envy. That should have been my DS too and it's not fair.

But, he is happy and doing amazing at school where he will stay until year 13, and I wouldn't have him any other way.

Good thing is life moves on pretty quick and once everyone has finished school for summer, the conversations change. for you.

Take a step back and look after your own needs
Your real friends will understand, but sometimes you need to save your energy and not try and explain to those who don't, actively seek out those who do understand.

YANBU, when my son was born & was really poorly, I couldn’t stand to see women walking about with healthy, happy newborns.

Do what you need to to protect yourself, you’re not hurting anyone by quietly withdrawing.

It’s so tough being faced with “the norm” when that’s not what you are experiencing & wish you & your child were.

Hi OP, I agree with PPs asking if you could tell your friends how you feel. Even in a lighthearted way, eg when they say ‘Oh my daughter was in the school play’, could you say ‘That’s lovely; to be honest I’m sad that my daughter isn’t having the those experiences right now.’
If you were my friend I would really want to know if something I was saying was making you uncomfortable. They might have simply not thought about it. I would rather you told me rather than avoided me, if at all possible.

Yes I've been here many times and still am to an extent even though DS is now an adult.

All you can do is withdraw for a bit to protect yourself until you are ready to stick a smile on your face and go back into the fray pretending you don't care. Only a mum of a child with SN really knows how lonely it is at times.

It's really hard. My ds is only 5 and already his two year old cousin is ahead of him in some aspects.

But I've learned that I need to stop comparing my ds to others and look at what he has achieved himself. I compare him to how he was a month ago or two months ago, or a year ago and realise he is making huge progress himself and I'm super proud of him. It makes me a little less sad.

Yanbu

It’s really hard.

And really really lonely.

It’s tough. I get it completely as I am in the same position. Do what you need to do to get through and protect yourself. There will be days when you feel stronger, but put yourself and your needs first for now. Sending love and support through my tears of solidarity

I remember taking DS to a party when he was 18 months. All the kids toddling around babbling at each other, while DS sat running dry mud through his fingers ignoring everything and everyone around him. So upsetting, seeing the stark difference.

You should step back until you are stronger