To avoid my friends for a while. SN child and I’m jealous.

[DefConOne]

Really struggling seeing my friends DC leaving year 6. They are all doing so well with academic and sports achievements. All enjoying parties and leavers assemblies. My DC is at special school as has been unable to cope in mainstream due to her ASD. She isn’t happy about it.

I feel like a bitter, jealous cow but I can’t join in with the conversations and it is really painful. Luckily I have a few child free friends so I am trying to spend time with them.

Do I just suck it up and nod and smile while my friends chat about their DC, or just avoid them for a while?

I have an autistic 4yo starting special school in September. My friends posts don't bother me because my child is going to get everything she needs at her school and every opportunity to realise her particular potential. In fact she is likely to have a much better time than some of her NT peers in mainstream because there's more space, less chaos and more sensory provision. She will never have to go through the difficulties of being an NT in mainstream of which there are many! Do yourself a favour and stop comparing. It will make you miserable, bitter and less switched on to your child's own strengths! In the kindest way-please don't envy and cut off your friends, it's not fair to them either! They can't help having NT kids! Imagine it was the other way round? You'd feel hurt!

Don’t make her feel guilty - she’s being honest about how she feels, and she’s finding it hard right now. If you don’t struggle with this then thats great, but many of us do.

Of course I celebrate every tiny bit of progress / achievement with my twins, and mostly I’m getting used to it, but there are still situations where it’s incredibly hard. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that.

It will make you miserable, bitter and less switched on to your child's own strengths!

Its great to offer your own insight to your own experience Elvesdontdomagic but to suggest that OP is in some way failing her dd by saying how she feels is unhelpful and untrue.

I went through this last year, my son had no school to go to though for 2 years he also has ASD.
When I saw his old school friends year 6 pictures it was really hard.
But a year on and it's all water of a ducks back, I'm celebrating the fact that even though he has sen and is in a special school (at last) he is in a school that is suited to him and he is beginning to love his life.

There is nothing the OP has said that suggests she needs a new way of looking at things DeadRodger

Given the fact that her dd has changed from MS to special, its clear that OP is well aware of what's best for her dd.

She is just saying that there are times when emotions take over the constructive approach I have no doubt she has the rest of the time .

Acknowledging a short period of sadness doesnt mean she's dolng something wrong or needs to change.

And this is why it is lonely. You can guarantee that if you try to talk about your experience as the parent if a disabled child there’ll be a queue of people quick to tell you what you should be thinking & how you should be feeling. And then how you are failing and if only you could do better everything would be marvellous. It’s much easier not to bother.

Nurse your bruises OP, no doubt tomorrow you’ll plaster on the smile & keep on going because that’s what we have to do.

I had this my daughter just left school she’s a downs . It’s normal to feel what if and I wish your not on your own . Hugs x

It’s hard. I have no solution. Some of my best friends just don’t get it. So I just close down and don’t talk to them about it. I have other folk to talk to (some immensely sympathetic work colleagues, fellow SN parents that I’ve gradually met over the years). This is just my way though.

I also drink buckets of wine.

YANBU to feel the way you do, or for choosing to detach for a while if that's what you need to do.
Everyone gets caught up in their own lives and i'm sure its just that with your friends. I'm sure no-one is trying to hurt your feelings.
I would suggest stepping back until you feel better able to deal with it. If they ask you can tell them you're finding it difficult but i would avoid raising it proactively. Its only natural that they are excited about the milestone their children have reached so i wouldn't want to spoil that for them.
I'm sure your little one will have her own milestones to celebrate as well. Just be ready to shout about them from the rooftops when it's your turn!

yanbu

Well, I'd agree,MrsDimmond, if it is for a short period of time.
Good. Then you agree.

Because, DeadRodger the OP's question was very specifically about a short period of time around a major school milestone. There won't be another similar milestone for another 5 years .

No need to have extrapolated from a specific query to make a generalisation about what the OP needs to do with the rest of her life.

What you do want for YOUR daughter, OP?
Top marks at school? For her to go to Uni? Get a good career? Have her own kids?
Ask yourself why you want those things.
Ask yourself if she should want those things.
Do you think she should? Might there be a different way for her, that suits her better?

It’s not about that.

It isn’t that I wanted a specific future for my children, it’s that I could picture all sorts of things for their futures. Whatever they wanted.

Now I don’t know if they’ll ever be able to talk. When they’ll ever be out of nappies. Play with another child, or even each other. Live alone. Even if you’re relentlessly positive, it’s extremely hard to come to terms with these things, and even if you have, seeing development just happening to others when you’re fighting for every glance or clap is so so hard.

You are so spot on, Sink. Your posts really resonate, especially the not making the OP feel guilty. It's really unhelpful to do so and her feelings are normal.

I promise to never suggest cognitive therapy techniques to someone experiencing painful jealousy again.

Again you are not responding to what's actually being written.

It's really awful when you go through life being as strong as you can about an area where life's dealt you a sad blow, that when you do take a moment to feel sad, people leap out and berate you for not being positive enough.

This should be a safe place for people who keep brave face in real llife, to come for comfort when they just have a tough day.

I totally get where you're coming from Op. It sucks, and unless you've experienced it first and, it's hard to sympathise.

My DS has autism but in MS fully supported. I drop him off and pick him up, he is 14. What hurst is seeing his friends, some who have SN, coming and going from school with groups of friends, and there is DS, being escorted by me. Luckily he isn't bothered and knows he isn't able to do that. It's me who feels sadness about it, it's such a great milestone, that little bit of independence that he is missing out on.

Don't be so hard on yourself, it's a natural feeling in these circumstances, there will be other milestones she hits and you'll be elated and hopefully the same group of friends will share your joy.

YANBU, OP. You are parenting on hard mode. I teach and have nothing but respect and admiration for the parents of children with SEN. The patience, love and care, the hard work- it's truly amazing and often a thankless task. Sometimes emotional reserves run low, and I've consoled more than one weeping parent who is at the end of their tether. It's hard. And it's not fair.

I agree with what pp said- celebrate the inchstones. And when friends brag about their child's achievements, brag about your child's achievements. You're a fantastic parent and you have everything to be proud of. Be very kind to yourself now, at this low ebb. It shall pass. And you will continue to advocate for, protect, love, care for and support your wonderful, amazing, one-of-a-kind child as you always have.

You are an inspiration. Well done.

Thanks Cosentyx - it really upsets me when people open up emotionally and then they are criticised for it.

I’ve been through many hard things in my life, but dealing with my twins’ disabilities has nearly broken me. I have lovely friends with NT kids who are sympathetic but they are having such different experiences and the gulf just gets bigger and bigger. We’ve shared so much since our twins were babies and now I have nothing to talk to them about. It’s really hard.

OP, just know you’re not alone. Do whatever you need to do.

I wasn't expecting so many replies. What a lovely supportive bunch you are. My energy reserves are very low right. A year ago I lost a parent and my DC ended up at special school due to her behaviour and it happened at the same time.

We never wanted the school for DD. She is totally outnumbered by boys and despite reassurances to the contrary academically she has dropped considerably. However she has made two amazing friends and has become a lot more resilient in the face of the challenging behaviour of others.

She is desperate to go to mainstream and be 'normal' but I don't think she will cope and will bounce back to special school. This will break her. The current school has some lovely staff and they have fabulous outdoor ed which she loves. Academically it is restricted although they offer GCSEs. There are hardly any girls and I worry about her with the bigger secondary kids. She towers over the boys at the moment that won't last forever. She moved to secondary with no recognition that primary was over and she was really upset about it. I guess they didn't want to draw attention to the transition as it would possibly upset some of them.

My DD has aspirations that involve a career that will require an academic education, to be married (she is attractive and charming and this may happen if she finds a man brave enough to take her on!), and to adopt a couple of children. She is funny and loving and sociable. Unfortunately she explodes when demands are placed on her.

I have tried to make friends with other SEN parents. It's not easy as fortunately I have managed to stay in work but I miss a lot of support groups and school coffee mornings. Often my DD's needs are so different to others it is like we are on different planets.

Anyway, I feel better for venting. Wishing strength to those in similar situations. Your lovely comments made me cry. Tomorrow is another day x

100% with you Sinkgirl. It is normal for parents of children with SN or SEN to experience everything that the OP is. I know that I have. But I haven’t opened up about it like to OP is doing and I should. It is bloody, bloody hard for the OP and her daughter and she must put herself first.

I'm with you Op. my DD has ASD and anxiety. She has no friends. Those she did have dropped her after diagnosis. My heart is broken everyday for her. I so wish life was different for her. She hates having ASD. Many other parents don't get it, unless they have walked in your shoes. I can barely write this for tears due to the times we have been snubbed over the years.

I’m sorry she’s having such a tough time with it. I hope you can find the right solution for her, maybe that will be MS down the line or maybe not. The uncertainty is so hard to take. Sending hugs and