To avoid my friends for a while. SN child and I’m jealous.

[DefConOne]

Really struggling seeing my friends DC leaving year 6. They are all doing so well with academic and sports achievements. All enjoying parties and leavers assemblies. My DC is at special school as has been unable to cope in mainstream due to her ASD. She isn’t happy about it.

I feel like a bitter, jealous cow but I can’t join in with the conversations and it is really painful. Luckily I have a few child free friends so I am trying to spend time with them.

Do I just suck it up and nod and smile while my friends chat about their DC, or just avoid them for a while?

I understand OP. My DD is nearly 5 but developmentally probably about 18 months - 2 years behind her peers due to autism, and has lots of other sensory issues etc on top of this.

It stings every time another parent proudly tells me what their DC of the same age are doing.

Honestly I'd just take a break from them for a while, and if you do bump into them just smile, nod and make polite excuses to leave quickly.

Whatever it takes to get you through

I understand exactly how you feel, my DD is moving to specialist provision next term and it was sad seeing all the Yr 6 leavers enjoying the events on the final day knowing DD wouldn't get her turn.

This time of year with all the SM posts about wonderful reports and awards and all sorts of exciting stuff make the contrast more obvious. If you're on SM maybe unfollow the biggest sharers for a bit and definitely give yourself a bit of space.

I have some amazing friends I've made through SN groups, comparing notes with them is great, they get it. Do you have any other parents from DCs school you could spend a bit of time with?

We always used to talk about inchstones rather than milestones, DDs progress was much slower but she was making progress so it's still worth finding those achievements to celebrate.

Virtual hugs x

YANBU

that makes you a good mother! As much as you love your child, you want the best of them, and it's human to wish they could join in with everything and be as happy as their peers.

You are human, your child has challenges, why wouldn't you wish there were less of them in their life, whatever these challenges are.

It's hard. DD1 is going in to year 9 this year and we are just starting to see her read some whole sentences. We are in a church with children who were born weeks ahead of her. I see them, independent teenagers, and I see her, who needs supervision because she is so impulsive.

But, I cherish her, too, and she has unique qualities that I would miss if she was NT.

I’d really encourage you to keep those friends. I know it’s tough. I have a SN child too, pretty severe. Even many with SN kids who are coping better are some of the toughest to hang out with, as they really just don’t get it and also either look at me as if I’m making it up, don’t believe me, don’t like a child being ‘more severe’ as they feel a little like it challenges their child’s SN, or feel so sorry for me it makes me want to cry!

Despite that, I really do think we owe it to our kids to keep their and our worlds open. It’s only by talking to others who are different that we keep a broader perspective.

Although I do think we often have to ‘manage’ it. Give others clear ways to help us. Like say ‘it’s so nice you invited my DS over, I know it’s tricky as he can’t speak but I find those outdoor games brilliant for encouraging them to interact.’

Or ‘it’s so nice hearing about how you are finding the school, I know our experiences are a bit different but bringing up kids often has similarities’.

I don’t know, isn’t shut yourself off. My DS has a wide range of friends, all shapes, sizes, disabilities etc. It’s great for him!

YANBU. If you need to gently distance yourself for a while for your own preservation, then do so.

It’s completely understandable.

Be kinder to yourself too. You’re going through a rough patch - its ok to be feeling what you are.

I understand. It’s very hard. I hate exam time of year with the high flying gcse results on Facebook and don’t mention the prom.

As for teaming up with other parents in a similar position that is impossible as my dc go to special schools outside the area with transport arranged and the other children come from several different counties.

YANBU!

My DD (14) has not been able to attend (any) school since year 4 . Undetected ASD, which led to massive anxiety and complete breakdown.

The end of Year 6 was a horrible time for us both. FB full of pics of children she'd been at playgroup, infant school and junior school with at their leaving parties etc. We still saw some of them at that time, but it was heartbreaking for my DD.

Once they started at secondary that social contact stopped. My DD no longer had anything in common with them and that together with her extreme anxiety and ASD meant that socialising became impossible.

I took a break from SM for a short while. I have 'unfollowed' those that post frequently about their kids so it is more manageable.

I can 'cope' but it would be a lie to say it doesn't hurt like hell.

And I know that GCSEs and proms etc. will be just as difficult. I will do the same - block things so its not in my face and accept that pain for that short time.

Be kind to yourself. It's absolutely fine to be hurt and jealous at certain times. I'm sure you don't dwell and won't let it take over.

I am absolutely certain that you have a fabulous relationship with your DD and love all the wonderful qualities that she has. It doesn't stop the pain at these times.

I hear you. Same thing here last year, no leavers show, no friends, a lot of fear and worry around the next steps and how they would turn out- its very hard. You are allowed to feel however you feel and look after yourself however you need to right now. Others have said keep the friends, but having a short break will not destroy the friendships. Take care x

avoid them for a while, yanbu. I'm sure they haven't thought that they might be hurting your feelings, you expected your DD to be having these experiences with them, it is a kind of grief you are feeling for a situation you thought you'd be in.

Forget them and just concentrate on your lovely daughter. No one gets all the cards dealt in one hand. You might have things that they are desperately jealous of.

💐

I feel like I could have wrote your post, OP. I can't even handle taking my boys to a SN playgroup. I felt incredibly judged (they're 2) where one of the leaders kept chastising me that my son liked to put toys in his mouth and my other son had a meltdown of epic proportions. I felt like all the other kids were verbal and so I didn't really even belong, I felt lost and like we were giving everyone else a bad time so we left quickly. I feel like other people's SN kids just made me realise our issues even more so I've just not bothered to go places like that anymore. I love my children, and I'm so happy that I feel like I was chosen to be their mother but I don't think there's any reason why we should torture ourselves by being forced to be around other people's children.

YANBU. It's so hard. Find support with others in the same position?

YANBU. In fact, your post made me cry. My ds attends a specialist school and is thriving, but I still get a stab in the heart every time I see his peers. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that, but fuck me being an SEN parent is hard without all that.

Don't get me started on the weeping and gnashing of teeth over their "babies growing up". I want to scream trust me you wouldn't want it the other way.

That said. My son's special school had a leavers assembly, take the kids on a residential and the year 6 lad who gets the bus with my ds had a cool leavers t shirt. So aside from prom, which has no place in primary school, I'm not too concerned he is missing out.

YANBU Op. You will never be unreasonable. Be gentle with yourself and and .

I'm with you all the way. My ds will start at a special school in September. It's the best place for him but I am sad about it. I'm frequently asked if he will be going to the same school as his older dd and as soon as I mention special school the conversation becomes really awkward.

I know how you feel OP my ds2 is 23 now and went to special school and then residential school... Lots of friends with children the same age... Sending a huge hug!!

It is reassuring to see that others struggle even with other SN families. SN are such a disparate group of conditions. Your kid is usually pretty unique so others experiences vary.

Many SN kids go to school on transport. I rarely go to the school. The coffee morning is on a day I work so I don't meet other parents. I haven't found anyone who really understands tbh.

It's really hard but I have rationalised this to myself a bit. For me we are older - DC is almost 18 and his old school mates are looking at University, learning to drive, going travelling - and DC is not.

However I would not swap my DC for one of theirs.

I also have to try to remember that this is his life, not mine, and his victories are no less sweet or celebrated for being different. He now regularly goes round the corner to his friend's house, and buys things from the corner shop of his own volition and not too long ago both of those seemed impossible dreams.

He doesn't want to be driving or going off to uni - yet. Those are my dreams, not his.

Some hope (although I totally accept that DDs issues are not as severe as some other children).
She is 29 and suffers from severe OCD, insomnia and anxiety. She still lives at home, doesn’t have a job, not in a relationship, doesn’t go out much. Most of her peers are married or living with someone and on the housing ladder. She has been studying for a degree via the OU as she can’t cope with normal uni. Yesterday, she heard she has a 2:1 honours. She now wants to do a PhD and maybe...just maybe...live independently. Am very proud. Yes, I wish it could have been different for her but it wasn’t and here we are. Wishing all of you strength and endless patience!!

It is hard. I was cushioned from it, to a certain extent, because DS2 who has ASD, has 2 brothers, my DS1 and DS3 who are NT, so I still had those moments with them, but it did and does highlight the fact that DS2 is different to his age group and to his brothers.

As far as special school goes, DS2 remained in MS, was looked after academically but had very little social and life skills support, (which he would have got in SS.) Now he is 19 I realise those skills would have been more useful than some GCSEs that aren’t going to help him get a job, if he won’t talk to anyone etc.

At least at SS your DD will hopefully have a peer group that she can interact with. If possible, if you can get on to the PTA etc, hopefully you’ll meet some parents with DC similar to your DD and you’ll be able to help her to make friendships. There will still be celebrations and proms etc at transitions in the SS that will be manageable because they will be tailored to the DC attending them.

It's hard and I won't claim that it get easier when they miss milestones - I pleaded with my dd to go to prom (she's asd but mainstream) looking back I think it's because I wanted to kid myself she was like all the other kids. Now I'm finding myself daydreaming that she will find a boyfriend/girlfriend (I don't care) it's her life but we want them to do the "normal" things. The good news here is that she loves university and went to a ball, one proud mum here! They are all unique and we should celebrate what makes them them.

Abstractedobstructed I respect and agree with everything you have written. As a PP said "comparison is the thief of joy" etc.

And whilst it is true that I also have to try to remember that this is his life, not mine, I noticed the line in the OP, She isn’t happy about it.

I can't speak for the OP, but for me, the hardest part is the devastation that my DD feels. She is massively aware of the differences in experiences between her and her peers. As well as all the other challenges she faces.

My biggest hope is that over time, that intense pain for her diminishes.

If they're your friends, they will be there for you during your sadness but also will buoy you up. And while it seems like their lives are perfect, I bet they're not. They may not have the problems you have, but they do have problems and hearing about other people's lives can give you perspective on your own

It’s really not that simple and really not possible to understand the emotions unless you’ve experienced them.

I don’t think any of my friends lives are perfect, but the pain of seeing your child not progressing alongside their kids progressing normally is so intense sometimes. For months I couldn’t face any groups or parties or anything because it was so difficult to have the differences shoved in my face.