To be pissed off about how DH speaks to me if anything wakes him in the night?

[JennaJaney]

DH has a tendency to think that the whole household should revolve around him. He is a reasonably light sleeper and in the last few months has taken to speaking to me like shit and really telling me off if I do anything that wakes him in the night, such as go to the loo (which I rarely do in the night anyway as I'm a light sleeper).

About a month ago I had a chest infection and obviously this meant I had a nasty cough. I deliberately slept down on the sofa as I knew my coughing would wake him. However he still hear me coughing downstairs at about 3am and came down shouting at me to 'stop making noise in the middle of the night' and acted as though I was being unreasonable when I said I couldn't help it.

Then last night we slept with windows open throughout the house and in the early hours I was woken up by rain, thunder and lightening, which was very noisy. I thought it would probably wake DH up so I got up and closed a couple of windows and one of them made a creaking noise. DH immediately got out of bed and charged into the room where I was, shouting at me and calling me useless and inconsiderate. I said 'oh for gods sake' and he then said 'YES! For god's sake at your behaviour'. I asked why he was being nasty and he said 'YOU are the one being nasty' and then stomped off to bed.

I started to cry and went downstairs and eventually he came down and apologised because he was 'tired' but it feels like too little, too late. He always tries to tell me off over things that as a grown adult I can do if I wish. Then tells me I'm the one being horrible or nasty when I haven't done anything wrong.

AIBU to be upset by this and to be questioning whether I want to even stay together?

What else is he mean about?

What a nasty man.

You are not being unreasonable at all - too soft on him, if anything.

Please show him this thread. It might help him to understand that he is not just being a bit crabby because he's tired, but is actively destroying your marriage by being an unpleasant, selfish bully.

And when you try to calm a bully by doing what he wants, and you go out of your way to try to please him while he goes out of his way to be nasty to you, you create a situation which can only get worse. Life will not go exactly as he plans in every detail, and his habit of aggressively blaming you for things like being ill or needing the loo is disgusting. You are his wife, not his emotional punchbag. How long before you become his physical punchbag?

Please tell him to fuck right off and sleep in another house.

Failing that, sign yourself up for assertiveness classes - it's cheaper than a divorce. And talk to him about any feelings of frustration he may be feeling about other problems in his life, as he may not realise he's actually taking these out on you at the slightest excuse.

If you both want to save your marriage, you both need to change NOW.

YANBU. You need to have a stern word with DH and explain you will not tolerate this behaviour any further.

Tell him to Gtf

Well, he sounds like a joy to live with!

He is abusive.
Tell him he can leave and have perfect undisturbed sleep...on his own. Twat.

Nasty vicious man, who clearly doesn't care about you.

Is this really what you want for your future.

That would get a resounding 'oh fuck off' from me

Is he like this only at night and around sleep issues? If not and it's at other times as well then I would be rethinking my future with him. No one deserves a black cloud for a life partner.

But that said, as a lifelong chronic insomniac, I confess I understand his feelings about being woken. Being woken up suddenly means I might as well get up for the day as I can't get back to sleep. I detest my insomnia, it has blighted my entire life to be honest. IF this is real insomnia (and he's not just a "normal" sleeper who massively overreacts to being disturbed) then to stay together he needs to address his problem: the usual see your GP to rule stuff out, practise good sleep hygiene, etc.... None of these things work for me unfortunately. I sleep in my own bedroom with ear plugs, which is in my interests but more importantly everyone else's - so they don't have to deal with raging insomniac rat bag woman at 3 in the morning. Insomnia "rage" IS a thing though, as another poster said earlier on. I wish it wasn't and he absolutely must deal with it by a) trying to solve his insomnia or b) sleeping separately, ear plugs, etc... or a combination of a) and b).

He sounds completely horrible. Why are you with him? Please tell me you don't have children with him.

He could practise self control.

Everyone who has posted about their abusive partners, please reread your posts as if written by someone else and take the advice I hope you'd give a stranger.

Being too scared to tell them about natural damage, creeping around when they don't return the favour, etc etc is no way to live and certainly no loving partner

I'm a right grump when I get woken up. But shouting at you for coughing when you've already moved to another room to not disturb him, is stupid as well as nasty- what does he actually want you to do about it??

I'm a light sleeper. I use ear plugs and white noise when I need to. He is being a dick

I do this. I shout and rant and rave at people if they wake me up, but it is completely unconscious and I have absolutely no recollection of it in the morning. I think although I look awake , I am really still asleep.Could your dh be the same?

My OH does this too. I started using a separate bathroom as any noise when he was in bed and he would be tutting and muttering. It's a different matter when I am in bed and he comes in and bangs around in the bathroom and puts the extractor fan on. He then has the cheek to ask why I use a different bathroom. I would just rather not have the hassle as I do end up telling him to F**k off, which leads to an argument

What a cunt.Dh gets up ridiculously early for work and hed never expect me to sleep on the sofa.

@BrendasUmbrella, no, but my unconscious brain doesn't hear 'DP's in the toilet' or 'DP's pulled the headphones lead out of his phone again'. It hears THREAT! DANGER! (probably something to do with how my mother and arsehole ex both used to wait until I was deeply asleep before crashing in, putting the big light on and then screaming and shouting at me/violence). It's not triggered by cats/animals, children or nature sounds, but if an adult is making noise, I'm instantly expecting attack.

All the sleep hygiene in the world doesn't work when you're primed/trained/predisposed to react to noise as a threat - and somebody fiddling with the windows would be interpreted by my brain as somebody breaking in, not someone closing a window. Any adult scaring me like that would receive the sharp end of my tongue, particularly if they wake me frequently.

LillithsFamiliar, you sound awful too.

Well you could wake him up in the middle of the night by chucking his stuff out fo the window and loudly telling him to follow it?
He sounds....unpleasant

Wtf @notangelinajolie ? What is OP supposed to do when she had a cough? She’s hardly U for being ill.

It isn’t annoying to be kept awake by a cough but that’s no reason to go and have a go at that person. Especially when they’d already done all they could to reduce the disturbance (ie moved to the sofa).

Being woken up is annoying and it does seem to make people sometimes weirdly aggressive. DH can be really unpleasant.... for about 10 seconds because once he's PROPERLY awake, he immediately reverts to his more normal reasonable self.

I'd be willing to bet this isn't the only time you have to walk on eggshells around him? He's prescriptive about how cooking/cleaning/gardening are done? Has very strong opinions on where and when you go out (eg god forbid you're five minutes late to return home or that you make a spontaneous plan?). Your clothing/decorating choices are based entirely on what he wants?

I think this behaviour is one of two things.

Either he's a massive dick (in which case this behaviour would occur all the time) or he's someone who struggles with their sleep and can't go back to sleep once they've been woken up - in which case, while his behaviour is unpleasant, I can somewhat sympathise with him!

Imagine the peaceful bliss without him around.

My ex was like this. Ex for many reasons, including this.

I can see in hindsight that when I had a severe chest infection he should have done the decent thing and slept on the sofa but no, he needed his sleep cos work. But if he was ill, he insisted on me sleeping on the sofa, even if I had work the next day.

OP, I'd LTB, he's not nice at all.