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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be pissed off about how DH speaks to me if anything wakes him in the night?

101 replies

JennaJaney · 24/07/2019 12:04

DH has a tendency to think that the whole household should revolve around him. He is a reasonably light sleeper and in the last few months has taken to speaking to me like shit and really telling me off if I do anything that wakes him in the night, such as go to the loo (which I rarely do in the night anyway as I'm a light sleeper).

About a month ago I had a chest infection and obviously this meant I had a nasty cough. I deliberately slept down on the sofa as I knew my coughing would wake him. However he still hear me coughing downstairs at about 3am and came down shouting at me to 'stop making noise in the middle of the night' and acted as though I was being unreasonable when I said I couldn't help it.

Then last night we slept with windows open throughout the house and in the early hours I was woken up by rain, thunder and lightening, which was very noisy. I thought it would probably wake DH up so I got up and closed a couple of windows and one of them made a creaking noise. DH immediately got out of bed and charged into the room where I was, shouting at me and calling me useless and inconsiderate. I said 'oh for gods sake' and he then said 'YES! For god's sake at your behaviour'. I asked why he was being nasty and he said 'YOU are the one being nasty' and then stomped off to bed.

I started to cry and went downstairs and eventually he came down and apologised because he was 'tired' but it feels like too little, too late. He always tries to tell me off over things that as a grown adult I can do if I wish. Then tells me I'm the one being horrible or nasty when I haven't done anything wrong.

AIBU to be upset by this and to be questioning whether I want to even stay together?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 24/07/2019 13:20

Do you have any children with this prize ?
Does he never cough ? frankly I would tell him to FTFO

Derbee · 24/07/2019 13:32

He should use earplugs.

I’m a light sleeper and my DP snores. I love him, and I love sleeping with him, so I use earplugs.

It’s his problem if he’s so sensitive, so he should find a solution that doesn’t depend on shouting at you every time you do anything. He sounds like an arse

MyCatHatesEverybody · 24/07/2019 13:37

He made you sleep on the sofa when you had a chest infection? What a nasty man.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/07/2019 13:37

Omg, do not have children with this man. It would be the biggest mistake of your life. I would be packing my bags if I were you.

gamerchick · 24/07/2019 13:41

In fairness, I was borderline murderous when DP woke me up regularly each night by putting the main light on, listening to podcasts and generally getting up several times to fanny about

This and other examples of this behaviour on this thread is massively selfish and inconsiderate. Sometimes I wonder if it's a sort of jealousy or entitlement to company just because they're awake, so you should be as well. Husband used to do that as well, he'd get up at 4am for work and turn the main light on to get ready but when I was up at 5 on a weekend, I'd have put my clothes in the bathroom ready so as not to disturb him.... Until I had a strong word outside of bedtime and he stopped. Just didn't occur to him at all Hmm

Your bloke is a bully OP. I'd be telling him he either gets some earplugs and packs it in or he can get his own house.

notangelinajolie · 24/07/2019 13:42

Yes, he was a bit mean but who likes being woken up in the night? If he was very verbally abusive to you then you would have a YABNU from me but you did wake him and I would think most people would be a bit snappy if it happened on more than one occasion - which you say it has. Of course he should have a bit of sympathy when you are ill but listening to someone coughing and spluttering all night would test the patience of a saint. I think you are being a little bit U.

If he is a light sleeper - could you sleep in separate rooms?

He's in for a big shock if you haven't got children yet.

ginghamtablecloths · 24/07/2019 13:43

It does sound nasty. Even a mild mannered person can get very crabby when over-tired but if this goes beyond that then yes, why stay? He sounds like he is very difficult to live with - could he start a fight when in a room by himself?

If yes then why put up with it?

timeisnotaline · 24/07/2019 13:44

You slept on the sofa because you were ill? Please make a change in your life op. Personally I’d wake him every 5 minutes as if you’re going to get yelled at no matter what may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

gamerchick · 24/07/2019 13:45

Yeah I probably wouldn't have babies with this person in case he doesn't cope with the crying at night.

Hidingtonothing · 24/07/2019 13:47

This isn't just half-asleep grumpiness OP, this is him taking (even creating in some cases) every opportunity to berate, criticise, abuse and control you. Fuck that, I would be making plans to separate.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/07/2019 13:50

Wow op what a horrid, selfish, self centred twat he is

You are doing NOTHING wrong, actually you are being very caring by sleeping downstairs whilst ill so not to wake him (my dh slept downstairs when I had a cough so I could sleep in my own bed).

I'd tell him to sleep in the shed or garage if he's going to call but he to speak and treat you like that

Wonkybanana · 24/07/2019 13:51

I'm guessing he isn't a model of selflessness and consideration for others the rest of the time either.

Treading on eggshells is no way to live your life.

TixieLix · 24/07/2019 13:54

My 'D'H has an aggressive streak like this, but in his case it's to do with cars, not noise. If he finds any damage on any of our (me or two DDs) cars, he goes mental. My DDs are 18 and 20 and new, but reasonably good drivers. Yesterday DD18 had a minor accident in her car - the first she's had - where she clipped wing mirrors with another car and it broke the glass in her mirror. There's no other damage and it will cost £12 to replace. The way my H reacted when he found out, you'd think she'd written the car off! I haven't dared tell him that I kerbed the wheel on my car last week! I usually park a foot away from any kerb to prevent any scuffs, but I caught a traffic island when turning right. He'll go apeshit when he notices it, so I'm keeping quiet to delay the row because he'll be moody for ages after to 'punish' me.

Happyspud · 24/07/2019 13:59

He’s an abusive bully. Why do you think you should have to attach yourself to someone like that??

WhatTheWatersShowedMe · 24/07/2019 14:11

He's an arsehole.

floribunda18 · 24/07/2019 14:16

Is he an insomniac? I know as an insomnia sufferer off and on when I have managed to get to sleep and somebody wakes me I have been known to get into an absolute rage.

Not that it excuses his behaviour, it isn't normal to react like that and he should be doing something about it.

HollowTalk · 24/07/2019 14:18

He sounds absolutely horrible and frankly, he should live alone.

Do you have children?

Can you tell us why you had to sleep on the sofa when you were the one who was ill?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/07/2019 14:21

Exactly so this charmless man turfed you out of your own bed when you were ill so you didn't disturb him? How bloody selfish. I'd be questioning if you want to spend the rest of your life tip-toing around diddums.

TheSerenDipitY · 24/07/2019 14:21

he is an asshole... stop tip toeing around, make normal noises, cough if you need to and if he yells tell him to grow the fuck up or get the fuck out, hes not normal
my husband gets up at 3am every day ( except 3 in a 14 day cycle) and finishes work between 5pm and 6pm each night, when i creep into our room to go to bed, and i only creep as i dont want to disturb his sleep when he has such a hard schedule, he often wakes up, no matter how quiet i am, he says hi, checks the time and goes back to sleep, NEVER once has he even said i woke him up let alone yelled at me! ( if i think ill sleep on the couch so as not to disturb him he tells me its ok just come to bed as he would rather im comfortable too)

so your husband needs a swift kick up the ass, make the normal noises and tell him to fuck off... asshole ( or maybe build him a sound proof room)

dontfluffit · 24/07/2019 14:21

What a weird little prick.

Kahlua4me · 24/07/2019 14:22

What is he like during the day? Do you think it is just night time/sleep related?

ParadigmGiraffe · 24/07/2019 14:27

You slept downstairs when you were ill? That's not very kind of him to let you do that.

I get narky if I don't sleep, but I'm lucky that we have a spare room I can retreat to if necessary or I'll take a nap if I've been disturbed.

I have been known to have a roar at teenage shennigans when I've been woken up. But shouting at someone for having a cough. Really?

HellonHeels · 24/07/2019 14:29

Yes, he was a bit mean but who likes being woken up in the night? If he was very verbally abusive to you then you would have a YABNU from me but you did wake him and I would think most people would be a bit snappy if it happened on more than one occasion - which you say it has. Of course he should have a bit of sympathy when you are ill but listening to someone coughing and spluttering all night would test the patience of a saint. I think you are being a little bit U.

What the fuck? notangelina did you miss this bit: he still hear me coughing downstairs at about 3am and came down shouting at me to 'stop making noise in the middle of the night' and acted as though I was being unreasonable

He actually got out of bed and went downstairs to verbally abuse his wife for coughing (when she had a chest infection and was sleeping on the sofa to avoid disturbing him) and you think she's the unreasonable one?

BlueSkiesLies · 24/07/2019 14:29

He’s horrible. Really horrible.

Please don’t have children with someone who hates you so much.

HellonHeels · 24/07/2019 14:29

OP he is an unmitigated wanker.

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