To be pissed off about how DH speaks to me if anything wakes him in the night?

[JennaJaney]

DH has a tendency to think that the whole household should revolve around him. He is a reasonably light sleeper and in the last few months has taken to speaking to me like shit and really telling me off if I do anything that wakes him in the night, such as go to the loo (which I rarely do in the night anyway as I'm a light sleeper).

About a month ago I had a chest infection and obviously this meant I had a nasty cough. I deliberately slept down on the sofa as I knew my coughing would wake him. However he still hear me coughing downstairs at about 3am and came down shouting at me to 'stop making noise in the middle of the night' and acted as though I was being unreasonable when I said I couldn't help it.

Then last night we slept with windows open throughout the house and in the early hours I was woken up by rain, thunder and lightening, which was very noisy. I thought it would probably wake DH up so I got up and closed a couple of windows and one of them made a creaking noise. DH immediately got out of bed and charged into the room where I was, shouting at me and calling me useless and inconsiderate. I said 'oh for gods sake' and he then said 'YES! For god's sake at your behaviour'. I asked why he was being nasty and he said 'YOU are the one being nasty' and then stomped off to bed.

I started to cry and went downstairs and eventually he came down and apologised because he was 'tired' but it feels like too little, too late. He always tries to tell me off over things that as a grown adult I can do if I wish. Then tells me I'm the one being horrible or nasty when I haven't done anything wrong.

AIBU to be upset by this and to be questioning whether I want to even stay together?

He's a massive dickhead. I'd be even more awake if I went to the effort of getting up and going on an emotionally abusive rampage, so if his precious sleep really is the issue he's stupid as well as cruel. You don't deserve any of that.

He needs some earplugs.

And a lesson in tolerance.

for you,OP.

When I've had a bad cough and it's woken DH, I apologise for disturbing him and he says "You can't help it", sympathetically. That's what loving partners do.

Is there anything that might be causing him to behave like this OP or has he always been that way?

He can help it, he wouldn't scream at his boss or a tough male friend like that so he doesn't get to talk to you that way either.

What would he do if he had a cough, sleep on the sofa?

He's an idiot.

Tell him to wear ear plugs

He always tries to tell me off over things that as a grown adult I can do if I wish. Then tells me I'm the one being horrible or nasty when I haven't done anything wrong.

YANBU.
He tries to control your perfectly normal behaviour by speaking to you in an outrageously disrespectful manner. When you kick back, he shuts you down by labelling & gaslighting you.

OP, you cannoy carry on living like this.
Does he speak to you in public like this, or just save it for behind closed doors?
Has he always been like this?
Has he got worse lately?

You need to tell him - while you are both fully awake in daylight - that it is unacceptable for him to speak to you in this way & that he either gets help with his anger management or you will be gone.

And MEAN it. Because he is unlikely to change, & every time you accept his behaviour by letting him get away with it, he will feel entitled to keep doing it. He is likely to get worse, & you will end up totally downtrodden.
Seriously - you cannot allow him to treat you like this any longer.

You sound like my DH and I hate it. He gets up, faffs about, makes noise and then wakes me up. There is absolutely nothing worse.
I do think it's inconsiderate and I point to the fact that I rarely wake him up so it is perfectly possible to share a room with someone and not wake them up even if you have a cold, etc.

Leave. It will only get worse.

You shouldn’t stay with someone who is emotionally abusive towards you. Do you have DC and does he speak to them in the same way?

I can guarantee you’d be happier on your own.

In the past when I had an ex that snored the house down, I bought ear plugs and went to sleep earlier than he did. That's just the difference between men and women though

This is me. I understand his frustrations as I too am a light sleeper and I sleep with a man who snores CONSTANTLY. On the few nights he's not snoring, he makes this horrible squeaking noise with his nose. It gives me murderous thoughts and I have been known to shout at him to "shut the fuck up" during the night.

The difference is that I am only pushed to shout after a sustained campaign of gentle nudges and pleas to roll over, and I also recognise that the issue is mine. I usually sleep with earplugs, and when I'm totally exhausted from the broken sleep I take myself off to the spare room for a couple of nights. If he's particularly tired (and therefore prone to snore more) he does the same.

You are not being at all unreasonable.

Look OP you are doing nothing wrong. You have been courteous and respectful to him.
It only sounds the odd night when he has been disturbed. He is using it as a way to abuse you.
He is the one with the sleep problem not due - I’d suggest he goes to the GP and buy ear plugs, Tell him to Fuck off - he’s certainly hear that!!!😃

It is totally unreasonable for him to castigate you for coughing FFS! Is this just if he is woken up ,or is he like it a lot in the day as well .When you say he "tells you off" for things you can do if you wish, that sounds unreasonable and very controlling TBH!.If Hes he only just started this behaviour recently , then is something bigger troubling him do you think? .Talk to him and explain that this is very hurtful and unkind behaviour ,Maybe book him /you in for some counselling sessions?.If that doesnt work tell him you will be going for a divorce as you wont be spoken to in that way !.That should make him think!

God this isn't nice. What a horrible person he sounds. There's no excuse to EVER talk to you like that. I don't care if he's grumpy when woken etc. Tell him to jog on.

I assume you don't have kids?

@MitziK But presumably you never sought him out to shout at him for being unwell? There's a difference between being angry because someone is being inconsiderate, and just looking for a reason to run and shout at them, which is what is happening here. It's bullying, and she deserves better.

Agree with legalseagull!

My DP also thinks the world revolves around him. When he is asleep I tiptoe around, when I am asleep he turns all the lights on, decides it's a good time to rearrange the sheets and yanks them hard and generally crashes around.

He sounds horrible, but in the short term do you have a spare room? Both my DH & I are poor sleepers but we have the luxury of separate bedrooms.

Respect towards wife 100% and a set of earplugs.

If he doesn't do the above then leave for a while, if he is full off apologies and changes his behavior towards you then all good.
if he doesn't contact you or change his behavior, leave forever.

He sounds like a total arsehole.

Why does he think the whole household should revolve around him?

He really does sound a twat, earplugs or live alone if you never want to be disturbed.
Imagine with a crying baby.

About a month ago I had a chest infection and obviously this meant I had a nasty cough. I deliberately slept down on the sofa as I knew my coughing would wake him

And he was OK with his ill spouse having to sleep on the sofa so he was not disturbed? A caring partner would have tucked you up in bed and cared for you, not scream in your face. You cannot go on like this OP, it is abusive.

He sounds like a controlling, abusive twat.

What are his redeeming features? My DH would be mortified if he spoke to me like that, tired or not.

He's a cunt, & he would be well aware that you couldn't possibly help coughing when you were ill, yet still tore into you.

In his mind only he matters ... Please LTB

He won't change. That behaviour won't stop. Ask yourself if this is what you want for the next 50 years. And remember that people generally get more angry and grumpy as they get older. Do you want this to be your life?

His behaviour is vile. It is aggressive, selfish and designed to scare you. That's what he wants to make you feel. And since its happens repeatedly, he clearly thinks he is right and his behaviour is fine. It is not. He is not a nice man. You should leave.