To feel sad my childbearing days are over?

[GizzardChops]

Slightly self-indulgent thread, but does anyone feel similar? AIBU to feel this way?

I am mid-thirties and have two beautiful DC, the second is still a baby (although no longer a newborn!). I know I am very fortunate.

I'm so done, logically speaking, I know having another DC wouldn't be a great idea. I love my children more than anything, but I often find parenting so hard and the patience required doesn't come naturally to me. Going from one to two children has been a huge strain in many ways. The sleep deprivation is unreal. My house is often a mess. I miss the freedom of life pre-children. I struggle with making friends with other mums. Two is enough for me, two is lovely. My husband agrees.

BUT the non-logical part of me feels a sense of sadness/longing about it. Never being pregnant again (lord knows why as I have had awful, prolonged sickness both times!) and having the wonderful feeling of life growing inside me, the baby kicking, the anticipation.
Never giving birth again, having the amazing moment of meeting that tiny new life for the first time.
I suppose it feels like my function (biologically speaking) is over and it's kind of hard to accept?

I know this is pretty ridiculous in the scheme of things. I know I'm lucky, and I'm excited about seeing my wonderful children grow up and about all the milestones to come, but I still can't shake the feelings described above. It's taken me by surprise. It's like the end of a chapter in my life I guess. It's playing on my mind a lot at the moment. Will it pass?

I think as well as the hormonal/reproductive drive, there’s something else going on here.
When we have already experienced all the major events of our lives, ie birth (our own), marriage, childbirth - the only major event left is death.
I think perhaps some of the sadness is mourning lost youth, of feeling we are heading for the final curtain, that the best, most productive young part of our lives is over.
We all come to terms with it eventually, and there’s still lots to look forward to in terms of career and family life, but I think this “closing of the door” on our reproductive phase is a big milestone. No wonder it gives us pause for thought,

I feel the same. I have a 6yo and a 2yo. The thought of never being pregnant again feels awful, never having that anticipation, meeting this new person you have created.

Someone at work has just gone on maternity with her first and I was so envious of her bump and what she was about to experience and sad that I wouldn’t get that again.
Realistically I know we won’t have any more. Can’t afford it, would have to wait until dd2 started school as cant afford two lots of childcare, we’d have to move, get bigger cars etc so it’s not going to happen.

YANBU. It's normal to feel sad when a phase of life passes into another one, no matter how hard the last phase was.

DD2 only has one more year at primary school to go, then no more school runs. I know it will be emotional when she leaves.

I already often feel slightly redundant as they are so independent. DD1 is 14 and like an adult a lot of the time.

But to everything a season. It's very important that you have your own life and don't just live through your children.

That’s very interesting babdoc

I have two, youngest is 4. For a long while I felt quite sad that I'd never experience pregnancy again, or holding a tiny baby for the first time. Then I had a pregnancy scare. I knew if I was pregnant I'd keep the baby, but the overwhelming feeling was dread, not that lovely, "ooh I might be" anticipation.

Now I KNOW I'm done, and I'm very happy.

I could have written this too. Mid 30s, I have 2 lovely boys, the youngest is still a baby. I find it so hard looking after them both and I had hard pregnancies and traumatic birth with ds1. My husband and I are happy with 2 and logically I know I don’t want any more but there is a small part of me that I can’t switch off is telling me we should have another one. I know I would struggle so much with 3, my existing children would get less time, money and attention, add to the fact that I don’t actually want more than 2! I guess it’s a strong biological urge to reproduce. I am definitely sticking to 2. Hopefully the feeling will pass. I guess once we are out of the baby stage I will probably realise how much easier life is and not want to go back to it again.

I’ve got one dc and planning another. I dread the feeling you’re describing once we’re done. I know I will be exactly the same.

@DeadRodger Thanks for the link, I enjoyed reading that. I can relate to the “Fulfillment Assumption” and isn't Dr. Jabs a great name!

43 over here with three, 2DS and 1 DD - 21, 14 and 10 years and yesterday I found myself missing being pregnant and breastfeeding. I am a single parent now and finding it challenging to manage parenting on my own but in any case a ten year plus age gap at my age would just be madness.

Life is long though OP. You actually do have 10 or so years left. You could take a break of a decade and then think, go on then, one more, or you could be in a new relationship and want a baby together. You're in the hard bit. Mine are older and life gets easy, there's a bit more money and you've had a decade of getting back your sleep etc. I've thought of having a baby with my new partner at 44 and whilst it's unlikely it's at least possible. I wouldn't in my wildest imagining have contemplated doing it again after I had my second at 34.

It's properly game over when you're on the other side of the menopause!

I feel very similar. Mid 3Os with DC age 4 and 15 months. DH vehemently against a third and I know it would be a financial and practical disaster. I am not a natural earth mother who can give and give. But I'm sad at the fact I'll never again have the excitement, the attention, the scans, the newborn cocoon, the birth, meeting the baby for the first time, the intimacy of the mother-newborn relationship. I think I would be sad about it ending even if I did have a third. I struggled hard with the transition to motherhood with my first but found my second an unexpected joy, so there is still that urge to do it again and "get it right".

Like a PP, when I think about the reality (and cost!) of a third baby the urge goes away

I could've written this too. And my second is still only tiny . I had awful pregnancies and labour, but still the thought of never having that excitement of growing a new baby again makes me sad. Ah well, I'll get used to it.

I feel exactly the same OP and my family situation is identical to yours.

Sometimes I long for another baby and find myself daydreaming and imagining the older children with a baby. I adore giving birth (hate pregnancy) and having a newborn is such a precious time, even though I get terrible baby blues/PNT.

Then I think rationally; I feel like my patience with my first newborn was like a huge full beaker, and seven years later it has practically evaporated. I can’t refill it! I’m very tired of parks/soft play/slow walking/taking forever to get somewhere/going out with bags of stuff that we need just in case etc. I don’t think I could happily or reasonably go back to square one.

I also feel that we have been truly blessed to have two healthy children and a dark part of my mind imagines we may not be so lucky if we were to try again.

Then I start daydreaming again....sigh!

You'll get your life back as the kids grow up and then you'll feel differently.
Then you'll remember how you felt and not recognise it as you thinking that way.
Your kids grow, lave home and then the grandkids come along and you start all over again.

I feel the same op but I don’t think I want anymore children, I just want to be able to repeat the experiences I had with my existing children.

I really needed this thread today!

We have 1 dc after years of infertility. For age and health reasons, we've recently decided that we won't try again. I have a long list as to why this is the right decision and tbh the only reason I would want another is to have a playmate for dc.

Today I met a woman who was pregnant the same time as me and she is now pregnant with her second. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My decision stands but my womb ached a bit.

So many similar stories, thank you for sharing. I'm glad the thread was useful for others who feel the same mixed emotions too.

I'm feeling a lot more at peace about it all today, although I find the feeling comes and goes. I think when I feel that way, I need to refocus on what I do have... my cup is very full!

Sorry if this is a silly question and I'm missing something but why does being in your mid 30s mean your child bearing days are over? As I said, no offence intended.

It doesn't. Already having enough children is what means your childbearing days are over.

babdoc has summed up very well what I was going to say. I think it's that feeling of knowing that my DC are on their way through their lives which means I am too and if they're getting older then so am I.

Since I had my DC it feels like time flies by, "the days are long but the years are short" as my mum is fond of saying. My yearnings are to have that time back again to do over and for it to never end, having another baby extends that time for a little longer.

I am definitely done - medically, physically, financially, emotionally, and practically I cannot support another child - but I do still have pangs another baby. Two days after I stopped BFing my youngest and was already feeling fragile, our elderly neighbour told me that you don't realise it when you're stressed out dealing with children but once they're grown up and gone you realise that those 18-20 years were the best time of your life. I cried. Then on days the DC will be irritating one another and irritating me in the process and I'm glad I don't have a newborn or young baby to deal with on top of that. Youngest DC is 2yo and as the toddler tantrums have kicked in my desire for another baby has nosedived!

It's normal to feel how you're feeling, OP, and it does pass

I'm 42 with a 5 mo DD and I am a bit sad at the thought I'll never get to be pregnant again. We struck very lucky with DD as she started sleeping through at 4 months and is generally a chilled baby so it has been a breeze.

But I know I wouldn't want to go through the sleep deprivation and anxiety of having a newborn again.

It’s sadder when your “childbearing days” never even start due to infertility.

Be grateful for what you have.

Sorry if this is a silly question and I'm missing something but why does being in your mid 30s mean your child bearing days are over?

It doesn't mean your childbearing days are over if you want another child but if your family is complete then they're over no matter what age you are. Some people also take their age into consideration when deciding whether to have another DC. DB and SIL for example are 37, they were considering having a third DC but decided against it as they would be in their late 50s before the baby was 18yo, SIL was also wary of the increased risks of complications which even though small she felt were an unnecessary risk when they already had two DC, and they both felt they had less patience, time, and energy than they did when they had their first and second DC at 24 and 28 so didn't think they could cope with the newborn and toddler years again l, the logistics and hassle of childcare, school runs, etc. A lot of people have a cut-off age in mind when planning a family.

I’ve got grown up children and whilst I have no urge to have more of my own I’m quite looking forward to being a grandparent (not that either wants their own children atm lol).