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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think DP is being miserable and rude, AIBU?

79 replies

Palomina · 23/07/2019 20:37

Just had a row with DP and not sure who’s really in the wrong. It’s my best friend’s wedding this weekend and I’m a bridesmaid and 3 year old DD is a flower girl. I’m happy and excited but also nervous as I’ve never been a bridesmaid before and I’m not sure how DD will be on the day, plus getting there and getting ready etc are a bit complicated as we’re travelling from a few hours drive away and staying in a hotel in a town nearby.

My main stress has been about getting into my dress, it’s a tight squeeze even with frantic dieting and a corset (the dress was unexpectedly small for size and I couldn’t exchange it) so I said something like, I’ll be glad when the wedding is over, SOLELY meaning I don’t have to stress about getting into the dress anymore. My DP seemed to take this as his cue to say how he couldn’t wait for it to be over either as weddings aren’t his thing, he hates the whole set up, resents spending the money on petrol (I’ve paid for the hotel myself) etc etc basically saying he is really pissed off about having to go.

so this really upset me, as now on top of everything else I have to worry about I’ll be conscious of DP hating every minute. I just think it’s so rude as well a) to my friend as she gone to a lot of trouble and expense to entertain and feed us all, and b) to me, as it’s meant to be a special day for me and dd to be part of the wedding party and he knows I’ve been stressed about getting into the dress, so why pile a load of negativity onto me and the whole thing?!

He says he’s ‘just being honest’ and I’ve said, sometimes total honesty is hurtful and unnecessary and I’m disappointed he can’t be more positive and supportive? It’s hardly like I’m dragging him into some awful hellish situation, it’ll be a lovely day and lots of fun for the guests I’m sure.

I just feel down about the whole thing now, but obviously I will do everything to make it the best day possible for my friend as that’s my job and that’s what I want for her. I guess I feel like why can’t he see that that’s what we do for others sometimes as adults? Make the best of things and not be self centred for the sake of others, even if it’s not what we 100% would necessarily like to do?! There are plenty of things he enjoys doing that aren’t really my thing but I support him. Why can’t he do that for me on this occasion? I’ve said he needs to grow up, WIBU?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 23/07/2019 22:17

But of an over reaction op,sorry!
I'm sure you'll both have a great time,put it behind you and enjoy the day,I expect up will cheer up once he gets a drink and his dinner inside him.Wine

z0fl0ra · 23/07/2019 22:17

You sound like a handful. Your DH has every right to feel that way but he’s still coming and being supportive even though it’s not his thing and didn’t even say anything negative until you said first you can’t wait for it to end. Yes YABU

BrendasUmbrella · 23/07/2019 22:19

He is a bloke. Hardly going to enthuse imo.

I'm wedding avoidant too, balls don't have anything to do with it.

Butterymuffin · 23/07/2019 22:19

Agree with Reanimated. It's attending a wedding, not clearing landmines. He is being excessively moany that he The
Man has to do something that wouldn't be his first choice.

MartiniDry · 23/07/2019 22:23

The poor man! He expresses a view about weddings which is held by many (me included) and he's considered rude and unsupportive. Jeez! If I were him I wouldn't be going.

YABVU and a little needy. Save your need for a supportive DP for when it really matters: ill health, workplace problems, exams, bereavement, pregnancy etc. A friend's wedding doesn't compare.

Wakeupalready · 23/07/2019 22:24

I think he mistakenly ( and probably with a sort of relief) thought it was vent about wedding time and off loaded. He is allowed to think the whole thing is a pain. He doesn't need to match your enthusiasm.

So yes, you overreacted.

My DH would've done precisely the same thing, but because I know he hates things like that, plus family gathering and all the rest. It's just the way he's wired.He is not a social animal and would rather not have to pay for things like this if he can squirm out of it. He'll go if he has to, and behave perfectly but given a choice he'd prefer to putter around our property. I'm fine with that, I just mock him for being a miserable bastard, and he agrees.

Will he act in a manner that reflects his feelings, or will he "behave"?

MaidenMotherCrone · 23/07/2019 22:34

How long has he had to listen to you wang on about the dress, the hotel, the journey, the dress, the diet, the dress blah blah blah?

acquiescence · 23/07/2019 22:41

I get you. It’s a big deal for you and your daughter and you need a bit of support. I hope you manage to relax and enjoy yourselves.

livinglavidavillanelle · 23/07/2019 22:48

To be honest I feel this way about big social events, as does DH. That's not to say that you won't have a fabulous time when you're there, don't worry about the negativity and just focus on the fact that more than likely you will all have a great time.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/07/2019 22:51

Also, anyone who says they are 'just being honest' needs a fucking slap. No, you're not being honest, you're being rude and unkind and expecting either praise or a free pass for being rude and unkind.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 23/07/2019 22:52

There are 2 sides to every story. If we hear DP's side, he may have thought in between you fretting about the dress and tue fit and the logistics and DD's behaviour that it was becoming too stressful for you and he probably thought he was being empathetic by hoping it would all be over soon.

I'm getting married next year and while I'm sure it'll be nice, I can't wait until it's over and we get to go on honeymoon. My DP feels the same and it doesn't reflect how we feel about eachother or getting married...we want to do it but the hassle is a bit annoying and while we'll do what needs must it'll be a relief to kick back and just relax.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 23/07/2019 22:54

Posted too soon.

All that to say, weddings are very hectic and stressful and costly, especially if you or a loved one are directly involved and even those getting married are relieved when it's over. Doesn't mean they won't enjoy it though

justasking111 · 23/07/2019 22:54

I like weddings, vows, dress, church, reception and speeches, it is when the night do looms that I think enough already.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 23:16

Op bloody started it! Her dh hadn’t said a word until she made it obvious she felt the same way.
And the poster who said “it’s a big day for you and your daughter and you need a bit of support”??
It’s a wedding. Feeling unsupported in your attempts to attend a wedding when you freely admit you’ve been stressing about it (and probably had his head wrecked listening to you) and all he’s done is agree with you is not an adult way to conduct yourself.
God forbid it was something that actually mattered.

bingbongnoise · 23/07/2019 23:24

@Palomina YABU. YOU said you wanted it to be over and he agreed.

You are in the wrong IMO.

BackforGood · 23/07/2019 23:35

YABcompletelyU

He isn't being rude. Despite the fact he doesn't like weddings, and has no wish to be there, he is still coming to the wedding to support you.

After you said you'll be glad when it is over, he agreed with you Hmm

YABVU to say he needs to grow up - he is already doing the "expected" thing by attending something he doesn't want to go to, to support you that seems like pretty grown up behaviour to me.

He's not done anything wrong, unlike you.

Drogosnextwife · 23/07/2019 23:40

Why on earth would you be annoyed that your dp can't be bothered going to your friends wedding and told you he. Ouldnt be bothered. He's still going to the wedding. I don't say this often, but you sound like hard work.

Ohyesiam · 23/07/2019 23:44

When Grumpy Man Syndrome arises the only thing that works is to detach from it and be cheerful. So forget about worrying he is not enjoying it, let him run his own feelings and you run yours.
Concentrate on your friend and your dd, a good bridesmaid can really serve a bride and be a blessing,
Be civil to your husband, but don’t bite back , having a low level strop is much less fun when no one responds. When people are being tricky I always think I’m going into Teflon coated mode, so I let everything just slide off me.

Have a beautiful day. I
Getting married too on Saturday, it’s going to be quite a hot day for big dresses!

bingbongnoise · 23/07/2019 23:56

@Ohyesiam

Have you actually read ANY of the thread??? Confused

It's the OP who is grumpy!

blackteasplease · 24/07/2019 00:03

Just ignore him for God's sake.

If he's grumpy about the wedding don't let it ruin yours and dds tme. Have fun and enjoy yourselves.

Women spend too much time waiting for a bloke to be enjoying himself in order to enjoy themselves. You don't need his permission!

bingbongnoise · 24/07/2019 00:07

@blackteasplease

YOU need to read the thread properly too!!!

Ohyesiam · 24/07/2019 07:20

@bingbongnoise
You’re right, I’ve not read the thread, but I read the op , with the grumpy negative partner and that’s what I’m responding to.

Rivkka · 24/07/2019 07:37

Oh I hate weddings, I find them dull and boring. I can tolerate them if it's someone I love but I can't get excited over a fringe friend.

I think you're being a bit precious.

Icecreamsoda99 · 24/07/2019 11:36

If you are DD are in the wedding party is he going to have to sit on his own during the service? I'm also guessing he maybe on his own during the meal if there is a top table situation? If either or both is the case I can understand him being a bit nervous and this coming out as grumpiness. Plus you and DD may disappear for an hour or so for photos leaving him a bit 'Billy no mates' and having to make polite conversation with random strangers. Also it's lovely you are so invested in your friends wedding but maybe he is finding the wedding talk and your nerves a bit overwhelming, especially if it is reminding him that he is going to spend most of the time on his own.

Deadringer · 24/07/2019 11:45

You are over reacting to a harmless comment. I don't like weddings much myself so I understand how he feels, he has agreed to go, that doesn't mean he has to be thrilled about it. But, there is no way I would spend the day worrying that he is hating every minute, he is a grown up, he can make the most of a nice day out, or grit his teeth and bear it. Squeeze into your dress, have a lovely time, and don't give your dp's grumbling a second thought.