I think DP is being miserable and rude, AIBU?

[Palomina]

Just had a row with DP and not sure who’s really in the wrong. It’s my best friend’s wedding this weekend and I’m a bridesmaid and 3 year old DD is a flower girl. I’m happy and excited but also nervous as I’ve never been a bridesmaid before and I’m not sure how DD will be on the day, plus getting there and getting ready etc are a bit complicated as we’re travelling from a few hours drive away and staying in a hotel in a town nearby.

My main stress has been about getting into my dress, it’s a tight squeeze even with frantic dieting and a corset (the dress was unexpectedly small for size and I couldn’t exchange it) so I said something like, I’ll be glad when the wedding is over, SOLELY meaning I don’t have to stress about getting into the dress anymore. My DP seemed to take this as his cue to say how he couldn’t wait for it to be over either as weddings aren’t his thing, he hates the whole set up, resents spending the money on petrol (I’ve paid for the hotel myself) etc etc basically saying he is really pissed off about having to go.

so this really upset me, as now on top of everything else I have to worry about I’ll be conscious of DP hating every minute. I just think it’s so rude as well a) to my friend as she gone to a lot of trouble and expense to entertain and feed us all, and b) to me, as it’s meant to be a special day for me and dd to be part of the wedding party and he knows I’ve been stressed about getting into the dress, so why pile a load of negativity onto me and the whole thing?!

He says he’s ‘just being honest’ and I’ve said, sometimes total honesty is hurtful and unnecessary and I’m disappointed he can’t be more positive and supportive? It’s hardly like I’m dragging him into some awful hellish situation, it’ll be a lovely day and lots of fun for the guests I’m sure.

I just feel down about the whole thing now, but obviously I will do everything to make it the best day possible for my friend as that’s my job and that’s what I want for her. I guess I feel like why can’t he see that that’s what we do for others sometimes as adults? Make the best of things and not be self centred for the sake of others, even if it’s not what we 100% would necessarily like to do?! There are plenty of things he enjoys doing that aren’t really my thing but I support him. Why can’t he do that for me on this occasion? I’ve said he needs to grow up, WIBU?

Surely it can't have come as a surprise to you OP?

Didn't his lack of enthusiasm give it away?

God almighty, he agreed with you! He’s probably sick of the stress and aggravation you’re causing about someone else’s wedding.

Oh come on OP, you are being ridiculous surely you can see that? Many people don't enjoy weddings and would rather do something else or be elsewhere. All he did was express the fact he's not looking forward to it following a remark you made, he didn't tell you himself out of nowhere.

Let this go, he has done nothing wrong. It's not even your wedding, why are you so worked up over this? By all means, you can be excited but he is not unreasonable in his feelings at all.

Despite his feelings he is actually still going with you and up until now hasn't made any comment to you to make you feel bad so you've just made a problem out of nothing.

This sounds like a bit of a 'man' thing. In that men are allowed to get away with being selfish, antisocial, unsupportive and if they are ever expected to smile and put themselves out a little bit for someone else's benefit, they deserve an award.
There would be times when it would not be unreasonable for a partner to say: this event is more stress than it's worth, why are we going? But it sounds like your situation is far more a man moaning about having to consider someone other than himself, because him being expected to do anything other than wank and go on his Playstation is a hideous violation of his Man Rights.

Totally what Reanimated said.

He responded to “I’ll be glad when the wedding is over”, to be fair.

Go without him. He's only going to be a wet blanket and spoil it for everybody.

I think his raction was not on. If he took the decision to come (and Im sure he had the opportunity to say NO) then, in my books, he has no right to now moan about the cost of the petrol etc.
If he was that unconfortable with weddings overall, then he should have said so at the time and not come.

I hate when people say yes beause thye are pleople pleasers in some ways and then moan all the way about it!

I've attended special occasions because I've had to (as it's for someone dear to me) but I've still looked forward to it being over.

It doesn't mean I was a wet blanket on the day!

However I can see why you'll now be wondering if he's enjoying himself on the day or secretly wishing time away etc. but let him get on with it OP.

Oh come on OP, you are being ridiculous surely you can see that? Many people don't enjoy weddings and would rather do something else or be elsewhere. All he did was express the fact he's not looking forward to it following a remark you made, he didn't tell you himself out of nowhere.

See above but why, why on earth would you go to wedding you dont want to go to??? If you dnt enjoy it, dont go. Dont let the bride and groom spend money on people who dont wantto be there and are only doing so by obligation.
And if you DO decide to still go when you re not keen, then just swallow it. Youve made a decision. No one forced you. the least you can do is to now make an effort for the ones who DO enjoy the wedding.

@Palomina, please enjoy the wedding and do NOT feel responsible for the way he feels about weddings. These are HIS feelings and HIS choice to come. If he is finding it hard, tough. He could have made another choice. Bit more importantky, its not your responsibility to sort the situation out for him and make it easier or whatever.

Oh come on OP, you are being ridiculous

That’s your opinion, 15Yemen. Not a fact, just an opinion.

In my opinion, OP is not being at all ridiculous.

She was talking specifically about the dress and the stress of fitting into it, and her DP took it as a cue to pour cold water over the entire event.

It’s really shit being at a day that’s special for you in the company of someone who has made it clear to you they would rather be anywhere than there, and given OP’s last post about his negativity in general, it sounds like a problem in their relationship and something she’s right to question.

OP - YANBU.

Yabu, he is entitled to his feelings. You started it complaining so your dp opened up. I wouldn't take it personally most people I've spoke to hate weddings and find them stressful, it sounds like the stress is getting to you.

@MrsCBY At what point did I state that what I said was a fact? I expressed my opinion just like you did and clearly my viewpoint is not in the minority [Hmm]

Although I do have to say your comment is hilarious, you've now said there's a relationship problem here over one comment, just wow.

Anyway, don't @ me over my opinion, I'm entitled to express my views just as much as you.

@Myriade Because sometimes as adults we have to do things and go places we may not really want to do. It's all a part of life in maintaining relationships and valuing those around us.

His wife is a bridesmaid for this wedding, I'm sure she would want her husband to be in attendance with her and he is going. He doesn't have to look forward to it but he's supporting his wife which is actually a decent thing to do. Up until now he has not even expressed any negative feeling about this wedding until OP did.

It's not a difficult concept to grasp that not everyone enjoys weddings.

Your opinions are not facts either MrsCBY
What a very strange comment!

I didn’t @ you. And you presented your opinion as a fact.

And of course you’re as entitled to express your views as anyone else. I don’t believe I said otherwise.

This does seem quite an extreme reaction, but how does his negativity normally manifest?

Because I read his comments as releasing stress and worry, the same as you, but are you hearing them and anticipating they'll translate into behaviour on the day that has manifested previously?

Is he anti marriage and getting his feelings out there in case your friend’s wedding makes you want your own?

I love weddings generally but they can be madly stressful. One I was a bm for was particularly grim and I look back on it in horror.

You do sound very involved with the whole thing, understandable if you’re excited for you and DD to be part of it. But maybe you’ve been exuding more stress than you realise, esp panicking about your bm dress, and it all came tumbling out.

Telling him to grow up was uncalled for and you should apologise.

@MrsCBY Right, sure I did. You mentioned me so you did @ me.

Weirdo.

YANBU. Sometimes you just need a cheerleader. You’ve put effort in OP especially with diet.
I’d just focus on the other female members of the wedding and embrace the hard work it’s taken. Sure he has skills in other areas but accept that this wedding isn’t one.

Hi OP

I get it. It feels like everything that comes out of my DP’s mouth lately is a moan/whinge/negative and it’s draining! I don’t think YABU but he’s said it now nothing you can do. I would tell him to put his best smile on for the weekend so you can enjoy the day and try and be a bit more supportive in future.

He’s a bloke. It’s not his mate. Men generally don’t get the same enjoyment out of weddings as we do (I love them), so it’s no surprise.

Try not to worry about your dress, I’m sure you’ll look fab and have a lovely day. If you’re stressed anyway it’s easy to overthink stuff and fly off the handle. Don’t do that, just chill.

I'm afraid I also think you've over reacted. I'm yet to meet a man who actively looks forward to weddings, and I include my own husband in that! Your husband is allowed to not look forward to your friend's wedding and he is also allowed to tell you that. The fact he's kept quiet about it for so long and has only opened up about it after you made a very similar comment shows that he had your feelings in mind. Would you rather he lied to you about something so unimportant to him as your friend's wedding? You do sound a bit over invested in this wedding to be honest.
The fact that he considered your feelings up until you made the comment first about wanting it to be over suggests that he behaves with you in mind so I doubt he's going to turn into a shambolic disaster at the wedding and show everyone how little he wants to be there. I'm assuming he's managed to act like a perfectly normal chap at every other of your friends' weddings/parties?

I do get where you’re coming from but I would let this one go. I suspect this may be the icing on the cake if he is a bit of a buzz-kill in general. My ex was like this and, honestly, it was exhausting. He seemed to suck he fun out of everything! Tbf to your dh, weddings are a bit of a bore in general and it’s ok if he’s not going to enjoy it. He’s still coming with you, so that’s saying something.

Agree with your husband I hate weddings. They're expensive even for a guest by the time you pay for hen do, outfits, a gift, hotel etc... And they're long and boring.