Aibu, is this too harsh?

[Namechange169376]

So I have a 3yo dd. Sometimes I think I may be a little strict. Here is a list of things I don't allow her to do

• Hurt children
• Destroy property (her own or other people's)
• Not listen first time (this is out ongoing issue, picked up from her friend who totally ignored anything you say to her)

-She is expected to eat what she's given -She is a very Independent child and wants to do lost things for herself.

THIS isn't an extensive list obviously.

I am very relaxed about other things, she's a fantastic climber, we do tons of messy play, she was allowed to jump all over our old sofa (not the new one). She never did this at other people's houses as she knew not to.

Other children come into our house break her toys, are pretty mean to her, they don't listen first time and back chat. These are 3 yo. Am I being mean to my dd and expecting too much of her. I do expect her to behave most of the time but obvs sometimes she gets overwhelmed or tired.

Other children my dds age break her things, loose them, steal, one lad was not short of bullying jy daughter and it was actually quite horrific, she doesn't go near him now but it's left a lot of emotions for us to deal with at just 3. The mum kept blaming my own dd but it became very clear what was happening.

I don't think that's harsh. I have a just turned 3 year old DS and have similar rules in place but if he's having a bad day, I do remind myself he is just 3 and he will learn. The other Mum sounds awful tbh!

I wouldn’t necessarily expect a child to eat what they are given but don’t see anything wrong with the rest of your list.

I think you are right about hurting other children and destroying things.

Not listening first time - would depend on the circumstances; if she was, for example, in the middle of a game; really excited and not listening; or tired, I could probably let it go.

Eat what she's given - if this means, there is one family dinner and if she doesn't like it, she at least has to try it, YANBU.
If she is made to eat everything put in front of her and clear her plate, YABU.

All fine, apart from the 'listen first time'. What does that actually mean? Does she have to hear you and acknowledge you, or does she have to drop what she's doing and do what you have asked/told her to? Do you repeat your instruction with a firmer voice, until it's done or is she actually told off?

First, not a problem, second, YABU. How often do YOU drop everything just because someone has spoken to you or asked you to do something?

Firstly, it depends on how perfectly you expect her to follow these rules and secondly, what repercussions she faces for breaking them. Obviously, if you said "if my daughter breaks someone's toy, I starve her for a week", that would be wholly inappropriate. even if you are trying to encourage positive behaviours.

The one expectation that does read as very harsh and controlling is the food one. She might not like the food - children's tastes change rapidly. Also, having to always finish your plate of food is associated with why people became obese post WW2 rationing.

Overall, you need to accept that your children are going to do all these things at some point, and it doesn't mean either of you are failures if it happens. Those behaviours can be a normal and almost expected part of child development. Strong deviation from some aspects of child development which read as negative behaviours like you describe can actually be a sign of atypical development rather than great parenting.

Then of course, there's always the risk of thinking you have aced this parenting lark until you birth the 2nd child who literally rips up your rule book and makes you feel like you were the dumbest human ever.

You are not expecting to much of her. It's called discipline, and I wish more parents would have your standards. Of course, a young child will make mistakes and you then need to calmly work through the issue, but having a consistent set of rules and expectations is so important.

The only rule you have that I have questions about is how she is expected to eat what she's given. What exactly does that mean? Is it a "cleaning your plate" thing or just that she needs to eat what has been prepared and no additional meals will be made. Because you're not running a restaurant! That was my rule when my children were young. Meals were what I made, if they didn't like it they could have some fruit, but I was not making a special meal for just one person.

I wouldn’t necessarily expect a child to eat what they are given

I agree - being forced to eat things I didn't like the look of/texture of/smell of has made me a very fussy eater as an adult.

I follow the same lines OP, though re food i do offer her a couple of options to choose from rather 'eat what your given'
The rest is good parenting, all children should be taught not to hurt others or break things so your not harsh at all.
Listening is a tough one, i am really trying on this, but mine is also 3 and obviously sometimes is in a world of her own, so it's an on going lesson :-D
The other mum sounds hard work, hope you daughter is doing ok, poor thing

The food one. What I mean is I always Cook what she would like, she also comes food shopping with me and I ask her if she still likes certain things this week before I buy them as I don't have money to waste. We also sometimes chat about what to eat that night. Once it's cooked and on the table I'm not cooking her something else. If she has a meal she's trying for the first time I always tell her to try a bit and if she doesn't like it I will make her something else.

The listening first time thing, she's just refusing to listen or do as I ask, for instance we went to cross the road earlier and she refused to hold hands. The not listening seem to be procrastination on her part more tha anything. Hope that's clearer

I highly doubt she 'picked up' not listening first time from her friend. She is 3. Even beautifully behaved 3 year olds are still 3. Plus everyone doesn't hear first time sometimes. I had to ask my MIL to repeat herself earlier as I was engrossed in someone and missed the start of what she was saying.

Expected to eat what she is given is a no-no for me. Try things yes. However, children have likes and dislikes just as adults do. They also have days where they are more hungry than others so will eat more or less depending on that. Insisting a child eats everything on their plate teaches them to ignore when they are full. It's not a healthy way to approach eating imo.

The only one I would alter is 'listen first time'. I use a cue word to get their attention, and don't make a request until I am sure they are paying attention.

I don’t agree with being too strict about eating what they’re given

Actually no, I missed the one about food. Not wasting food is one thing, being expected to clear your plate isn't reasonable imo.

What I actually find cocnerning about this post is the expectation that a 3 year old would only be disobedient if someone had influenced them.

Toddlers, whether through sheer defiance/testing boundaries, a lack of congitive understanding or both, habitually dismiss instructions and orders unless they are fearful of the exploration they should want to do at that age.

The description of the disruptive friend (who is also a toddler) who has 'brainwashed' the 3 year old into disobedience makes me think the child was repressed and now is displaying typical behaviours.

I suspect you don't think you're being too harsh.

But just a word of warning, if this is your first child and you end up having another, you may end up with a short, sharp shock.

Because I know a lot of parents who despair that their subsequent children won't 'stick to the list', despite being parented in exactly the same way.

They're often the children in your penultimate paragraph until they get much older than 3.

Sounds okay to me. I don’t actually expect my child to listen the first time. I just act like I do.

Not holding hands when crossing the road was your daughter being willfully stubborn OP (perfectly natural at that age).

It wasn't her 'not listening first time', as she'll know by now she has to hold your hand, without even being told.

The description of the disruptive friend (who is also a toddler) who has 'brainwashed' the 3 year old into disobedience makes me think the child was repressed and now is displaying typical behaviours.

Huh? I never said brainwashed I said she's picked it up. Unfortunately I've noticed my daughter will always watch another child misbehave and then try it on herself. Every time. It's just how she is.

I don't expect her to clear her plate or even eat at conventional meal times of shes not hungry. However I do expect her to eat what's prepared when I know she likes it.

Maybe I could be a bit more relaxed about the listening thing, it's only become an issue in all honesty so I was unsure about how to tackle it. She does purposely ignore a lot. Again something she's picked up from another child.

My daughter is far from perfect ppd are making out like I think she's an angel. She is so incredibly stubborn and knows exactly what she wants in every situation. Of course she can be naughty and push boundaries just like all other children, she is currently going through a hitting stage.

I'm fed up with my daughter thinking she can have Crisps for tea and talk back because she sees others doing it. I thought I was harsh but thanks to most of your replies I don't think I am. Lol at the pps who totally missed the point and what I was saying

I'm fed up with my daughter thinking she can have Crisps for tea and talk back because she sees others doing it.

And when she's hitting other children, her friend's parents will be fed up of their kids thinking they can hit other children too because yours does.

It's all part of raising kids.

I had the principle 'if you eat a bit and don't like it, fine. But I expect you to eat a bit'. It dealt with the 'I don't like that' 'What don't you like, sweetie' 'Don't know.' 'Well how do you know you don't like it if you don't know what it is? Have a bit and see. Still no? OK just leave it then'. It meant we learned exactly what genuinely wasn't liked/if there were ways that things could be prepared that were better - and pure contrariness was avoided.

I also didn't fall for the 'I'm not hungry' ploy, as it was invariably followed a couple of minutes later with 'I'm hungry. I want biscuits/sweeties/a snack'. Kids are very good at that one, being completely stuffed full to the brim, incapable of even a single morsel of potato - but if there's a sniff of Haribo or Custard Creams, suddenly they're ravenous and desperate for something to eat.

You don't sound too harsh at all, OP.

- Not listen first time (this is out ongoing issue, picked up from her friend who totally ignored anything you say to her)

As much as your DD likes to mimic others' bad behaviour - it is actually quite normal for 3YOs not to always listen first time.

I'd seriously question your judgement, if you can't see this, though of course you're right to discourage it.

The mum kept blaming my own dd but it became very clear what was happening.

Given the first part of your OP that I quoted ('other children are to blame, not my DD'), and this part ^^ (a mother with exactly the same viewpoint as you - 'it's not my child'), maybe you need to take a step back.

Parenting a 3YO isn't always plain sailing. The more consistent you are with them, the easier it gets (assuming NT, etc).

I think you're amazing. Too many parents are far too relaxed with their kids and frankly they turn into brats.

I was always taught you eat what's in front of you or go hungry. It didn't cause me any issues yet my DP panders to his youngest and she barely eats a thing.

I think kids crave structure and routine. Yes they need to be able to explore, express themselves and be creative but they also love knowing where they stand and boundaries.

Hats off to you OP.

Sounds ok to me me, perhaps with the exception of eating what she's given. I wouldn't expect children to eat everything put down to them, they're allowed to not like some things. Also, infuriating as it is, getting them to listen first time, takes a looooong time to get through to them...well it did with mine anyway.

I never had an eat what your given rule, that was my childhood and it wasn't nice. I think the listen first time may be difficult for some people and her sometimes but as long as you don't aim for total obedience it's a good thing to aim for.

I understand she will be a 3yo, trust me, she tantrums. The hitting was actually picked up when she was bullied, we have talked about it. It's just I see these. Hildren bringing behaviour into my dds surroundings and then sure enough my dd is doing the same. It's infuriating.

Are you all seriously saying you don't expect your children to listen first time ever? Of course if she's busy or whatever she might need reminding a few times.

Lately everytime I ask her to do anything she totally ignores me. Surely people don't let their children do this? I know some people do as my dd has a friend who does this. Maybe the op wasn't explained well enough.