Aibu, is this too harsh?

[Namechange169376]

So I have a 3yo dd. Sometimes I think I may be a little strict. Here is a list of things I don't allow her to do

• Hurt children
• Destroy property (her own or other people's)
• Not listen first time (this is out ongoing issue, picked up from her friend who totally ignored anything you say to her)

-She is expected to eat what she's given -She is a very Independent child and wants to do lost things for herself.

THIS isn't an extensive list obviously.

I am very relaxed about other things, she's a fantastic climber, we do tons of messy play, she was allowed to jump all over our old sofa (not the new one). She never did this at other people's houses as she knew not to.

Other children come into our house break her toys, are pretty mean to her, they don't listen first time and back chat. These are 3 yo. Am I being mean to my dd and expecting too much of her. I do expect her to behave most of the time but obvs sometimes she gets overwhelmed or tired.

Other children my dds age break her things, loose them, steal, one lad was not short of bullying jy daughter and it was actually quite horrific, she doesn't go near him now but it's left a lot of emotions for us to deal with at just 3. The mum kept blaming my own dd but it became very clear what was happening.

And can people read my replies re eating, clearly she's not forced to eat a whole plate of food whether she likes ut or not but she's not allowed to waste good food and fill up on crap either. Jeez

Welcome to parenthood Namechange!

AllFourOfThem
I wouldn’t necessarily expect a child to eat what they are given but don’t see anything wrong with the rest of your list.
.....

I agree with the above post, insisting a child eats what they don't like makes them dread meal times. We wouldn't eat something we didn't like so should not force children to do it. That used to happen with school dinners years ago, I can remember girls in tears because of it.

Other than that, your list is good. She is little so won't get it all right all of the time but your words will sink in.

I think we make allowances for three year olds.

It's less that I wouldn't accept a 3YO not listening first time, and more your rock solid conviction that her bad behaviour is all done to copying other kids.

Stealth boasts are so tedious....

You're a super parent, OP. Well done, you.

Of course. I should've guessed the hitting wouldn't be her fault either.

Honestly OP, is there anything your child does wrong that's actually down to her?

Can a 3 year old child bully another?

Of course they are going to copy to some extent. They are 3!!! Finding their place in the world and pushing boundaries. Your daughter is 3......still a toddler!

We just use the same rules that nursery use and we then use at home,
Ie ; using listening ears
Be kind
No snatching
Sharing
No pushing / hitting etc

If DS isn’t listening we “click our listening ears in” like they do at nursery.
The only thing we really have to remind him about is his listening ears.

Nursery are fantastic and have turned him into a really well rounded pre schooler!

Can a 3 year old child bully another?

Not if they happen to belong to the OP...

Pretty much all parents go by the rules you've listed. How successful they are depends on various things, 99% of which are luck. Generally I find that first/only children, and especially if they are girls, are the most biddable and easy to control at that age. It tends to change a bit as they get older, and as they get siblings, and so have a bit less attention on them all the time.

I'd advise against being smug, as things can change. And I say that as the mother of one easy, biddable firstborn toddler DD who has grown to be a fairly headstrong teen, and one stubborn, challenging secondborn toddler boy, who has grown to be a calm and easy teen.

I expect mine to listen and respond first time. However they at 5 and 8 still are working on that. I also bear in mind what they are doing before I ask. So I may want them to change into pjs but can see they are reading with a few pages left so wait til they are finished (or say "when you have finished.....").

I don't like repeating myself. And I don't like ignorance. It's a good rule.

Are you all seriously saying you don't expect your children to listen first time ever?

No, with mine, sometimes they listened first time and sometimes they didn't. They can be so easily distracted at this age. For what it's worth, I found age 3-4 the hardest and most stressful of all the ages. It gets so much easier after this sometimes.

Hurt children or destroy property -YANBU; these are strong no-nos!

Eat what she's given- YANBU to refuse to prepare new food once the meal's been started. I think you would BU to insist that she 'make a clean plate' and not allow her to refuse things she dislikes, or if she's simply not hungry.

'Listen the first time': I think that children this young sometimes have problems in processing verbal instructions immediately, so I wouldn't respond in the same way as to deliberate inattentiveness in an older child or adult who won't get off their phone. However, if you're referring to kids turning a deaf ear in the hope that the adult will get fed up with asking. YANBU.

I would add, however, that very young children are often on their worst behaviour when out visiting, either because the unfamiliarity upsets or over-excites them, or because they associate the rules of behaviour specifically with their parents. Since older children and adults often try to be on their best behaviour at other people's homes, this may give the impression that the young children must be really naughty and undisciplined at home if they can act like this when visiting others; whereas in fact they're often much better at home.

Certainly YANBU not to continue to invite children who bully your child.

I don't think you are too strict. I think a lot of parents underestimate their kid's abilities.
And kids need to try a food on average 8 times to like it. They do not have likes and dislikes in the same way adults do.

Too harsh IMO. No hurting people, no destroying things, absolutely with you. The rest no (though we might be talking at cross purposes).

I don't make my kids eat - I provide food and they choose what and how much they eat. However I don't then go and make loads of complicated food to order - it's that or nothing, maybe some bread and butter or something if I think they're not eating because they're ill or something.

"Listening first time" makes me think you expect immediate, unthinking obedience and I don't like that as a concept - I think it's outdated. I am not running a military camp, I'm trying to raise people who understand how to interact with other people and use their initiative to decide what to do, rather than just waiting to be told.

Negotiation is allowed in our family - there are some situations where they need to listen immediately and do whatever it is but that would usually be a safety critical situation so they'd be warned beforehand. For example, we always had this rule when cooking together. I wouldn't put them in a situation I couldn't trust their immature impulse control (e.g. near roads/water) so they would have to be either in a buggy, holding hands or within grabbable reach. We'd also talk about the dangers of water/roads at other times, reminders of the rules, reasoning why etc. Obviously outright ignoring someone is rude so some kind of response would be expected. But I'm quite OK if I say alright, time to tidy up and they say oh can we just finish this . And (in theory) I'm always willing to explain the reason behind why I'm requesting something (in reality when they start a whole whyyyyyyy do I have to blah blah and it's a stalling tactic - I get cross about it.)

Listen first time? She’s 3 😂.

*Can a 3 year old child bully another?

Not if they happen to belong to the OP...*

I've actually had to point out to my dd that copying this behaviour is exactly what was done to her. Lots of assumptions made.

You do all have a point about listening first time. I think it's become a bit of an issue and I need to back off as suggested and maybe do the listening ears thing. My dd is stubborn though so she might resist for a while.

That's the annoying thing, she so stubborn that she picks up these behaviours and it takes ages to get over them because she's so stubborn.

If it's working I would absolutely go with it - all those things are qualities that are often hell to instil in older children. With some 3 year olds it would be a nightmare to get them to eat what they're given, but if she takes to this rule with relative ease and your life isn't taken over by tantrums and flat out refusals, then why on Earth not? You're only saving yourself a load of fights further down the line. The same with listening first time, it sounds like you're very sensible about it and wouldn't flip your lid if she was in the middle of something or genuinely didn't hear, but a lot of children DO make a habit of ignoring their parents until they have been told 8, 9, 10 times, and it does being a rude habit after a while. Encouraging her to listen is a positive value and I don't think you're doing any wrong by instilling it young.

What @WorraLiberty said. Mainly the first time.

Yes children can bully. Not sustained campaigns over a period of time though.

Op, be careful about banging blame labels all over perfectly normal developmental behaviours, you're making a whole lot of trouble for you and your child. She is three, it's perfectly normal for people who are three to push the boundaries. She's not being led astray by ill-disciplined peers (😂) she's just being a perfectly normal toddler. I would worry very much about an uber compliant toddler.

At 3 I don't expect them to listen first time all the time, quite often they are doing something and unless it is an emergency that can be respected.

Likewise 'back chat'. At 3 they don't necessarily understand that. I am happy for my kids (9,7 and a toddler) to 'answer back' provided they are not rude in tone or content.

Eat what they are given? What if they don't like it? I expect everything to be tried. If they don't like eat they can eat the parts of the meal that they do like, or have something plain like a ham sandwich. As an adult I do

*You do all have a point about listening first time. I think it's become a bit of an issue and I need to back off as suggested and maybe do the listening ears thing. My dd is stubborn though so she might resist for a while.

That's the annoying thing, she so stubborn that she picks up these behaviours and it takes ages to get over them because she's so stubborn*

This is so sad. Repeatedly labelled as 'stubborn' because she's not learning quick enough for you. She's 3! Yes be consistent when there is unwanted behaviour but you seem to have very high expectations on how quickly she should learn these behaviours.

The eating one is subjective, if I was given a plate of food that contained the Devils Testicles (also known as mushrooms) I’d not eat it and I’m 54.

But I'm quite OK if I say alright, time to tidy up and they say oh can we just finish this . And (in theory) I'm always willing to explain the reason behind why I'm requesting something (in reality when they start a whole whyyyyyyy do I have to blah blah and it's a stalling tactic - I get cross about it.)

This all sounds fair enough. I’m usually okay with a “Five more minutes” approach. But there are definitely times when I do expect “unthinking obedience”, and that can be conveyed with tone. With my toddler (2.5) it’s the difference between “Come here, please,” and “Stop - now.” I expect her to respond straight away to that tone and she usually does. I only ever use it when either she’s unsafe or she’s run out of room for negotiation.