Aibu, is this too harsh?

[Namechange169376]

So I have a 3yo dd. Sometimes I think I may be a little strict. Here is a list of things I don't allow her to do

• Hurt children
• Destroy property (her own or other people's)
• Not listen first time (this is out ongoing issue, picked up from her friend who totally ignored anything you say to her)

-She is expected to eat what she's given -She is a very Independent child and wants to do lost things for herself.

THIS isn't an extensive list obviously.

I am very relaxed about other things, she's a fantastic climber, we do tons of messy play, she was allowed to jump all over our old sofa (not the new one). She never did this at other people's houses as she knew not to.

Other children come into our house break her toys, are pretty mean to her, they don't listen first time and back chat. These are 3 yo. Am I being mean to my dd and expecting too much of her. I do expect her to behave most of the time but obvs sometimes she gets overwhelmed or tired.

Other children my dds age break her things, loose them, steal, one lad was not short of bullying jy daughter and it was actually quite horrific, she doesn't go near him now but it's left a lot of emotions for us to deal with at just 3. The mum kept blaming my own dd but it became very clear what was happening.

I hesitate to say this to someone given my own propensity for over thinking everything but truly I do think you are just over thinking things a bit. She sounds like a normal 3 year old and so do her friends. I don’t think you are too harsh but I think you might be expecting change to happen a little too quickly.

Never compare you child to another child. Ever.
That’s my advice.
She’s your DD, carry on as you are, but remember, her world is small and small things can be massive to her. Let her daydream sometimes.

That's the annoying thing, she so stubborn that she picks up these behaviours and it takes ages to get over them because she's so stubborn.

No. She's not stubborn. She's three - that's what three year olds do. They are exploring boundaries and testing limits. Working out what they want to do, working out what is allowed and what isn't, testing and developing their personalities and the world around them.

I think you've completely forgotten that your DD is 3.

I think you should just keep your DD at home, so she doesn't pick up any bad behaviour from others in future, then she will be a perfect child.

How do you think the parents of the children she has hit felt when she did so? Do you think they described it as bullying? When they child 'bullying' her hit her, where do you think they got that from? Do you think they just got the idea in their head to do it, or do you think that maybe, like you say your DD did, they just copied someone else?

Oh and ALL 3 year olds are stubborn, you cannot reason with them!

I think you're not that strict foodwise.

The way I was raised, I had to eat whatever was on my plate at mealtime. If I refused then fine, but I wasn't getting anything else to eat. And that sounds reasonable enough. I run a household, not a restaurant.

If my son absolutely loathed specific foods I would probably not make them or not often, but otherwise I do expect him to eat what's on his plate. If he's not hungry, that's fine but he's getting nothing else until the next meal.

As for listening first time, I'd say that 's a good goal to strive for, while leaving some room for understanding as she is only three.

Agree with the tone thing - but that is most definitely an exception and not the rule, whereas the OP sounded more like it was the rule, that's the only part I disagree with :)

Also agree with people saying she's not being stubborn - she's being three.

I have found by far the most useful thing in parenting is to learn as much as I can about child development so I can put my child's behaviours at whatever age in context. Unfortunately I can't recommend any particular books/resources because I find all of the info quite frustratingly scattered around and difficult to find in one place. But simply remembering that little children are not miniature adults is the most important part. Their brain development isn't there yet which means they don't think like we do, things we take for granted like impulse control, emotion regulation, perspective (is this a big problem or a small one), generalisation (understanding when things can be transferred to other situations and when not) and even concepts as fundamental as time (past, present, future) are not necessarily easy for them as they may still be in a state of development.

In addition they simply don't know stuff that adults know because they haven't been alive long enough and had enough experiences to have found it out yet.

I know that sounds really obvious when you put it like that (children are immature - duh! - and inexperienced - ya think??) but in reality how often do we really think about children's behaviour in this kind of context?

‘I'm fed up with my daughter thinking she can have Crisps for tea and talk back because she sees others doing it.’

Maybe most toddlers just think they can talk back and have crisps for tea and yours does too and it’s not bad behaviour she’s learnt from other children. It does sound like you think your own parenting is slightly superior to other people’s.

Do you only have one child? Perhaps these other parents have more than one and standards have dropped a bit too. It’s certainly a LOT easier to have higher standards with only one child.

OP there are always those who mock parents who parent so their kids behave well most of the time. Of course all kids are badly behaved sometimes, but yes some kids are better behaved than others.

Sorry but you sound ever so slightly boastful and deluded OP. In your head you are the perfect parent and everything your DD does wrong is another child's fault! That's such a warped way of thinking. Another thing I'm confused about is how on earth does a 3 year old manage to bully or be bullied? At they age they should be supervised at all times should they not?

My DC definitely knew breaking things was unacceptable at that age, slightly aghast at three year olds entering your home and breaking your property.

So being blunt - your post to me, forgive me if I'm reading too much in to it, sounds more like you're asking why other parents can't control their children as opposed to querying whether you are too strict. My answer is - I think you're forgetting a key ingredient. 3 yr olds are people with personalities. At 3 those personalities push boundaries as they establish their sense of self as an individual. It's all very normal. But this pushing will vary from child to child. My eldest was a beautifully behaved 3 yr old. Kind, gentle, shared well, listened etc. My youngest is whole different ball game. She's a tropical storm to my eldest's summer breeze. I adore them both but without a doubt the youngest was a shock to the system and, as is necessary when managing individuals work - same applies with parenting - I've had to totally adjust my parenting style. Your rules would have worked easily for my eldest, not for my youngest, although we certainly follow the principles. Mercifully they are both excellent eaters and both kind. But the youngest is tempestuous and feisty and sometimes gets carried away (literally at times ). We would never let her destroy property without being shown consequences, but unfortunately sometimes the damage is already done.
I think what I'm trying to say is that I used to be a little sneery of parents who "couldn't control their children", then the universe brought me youngest DD and with it some empathy and understanding of what other parents go through!!
It's just not black and white.
But if you do find a definitive way to make a 3 year old listen first time for love of god post it on here!!