AIBU to think marriages can work out?

[Allthebiscuits]

Flurry of break ups in every direction I look at the moment. We're only 4 years in with two young children and we feel like a good family unit, but all these breaks up due largely to 'growing apart' have me reaching out for some words of hope!

I see plenty of very successful marriages, and I’m on my second husband....I finally feel like I’m in one! Sounds like you are too. Try not to worry, just keep being happy.

Though I do have a secret savings account. Old habit as it helped me escape first time round. I think I’ll always have it.

Of course they do!

Growing apart is something that can be avoided by a conscious commitment to the person you married. You have to recognise when you face challenges and decide how you will work in them. Just leaving it all to fate and hoping it will work out isn’t enough. You have to actively choose your partner, over and over again, because you love them and it’s worth it.

Growing apart can be avoided sometimes by making a conscious effort for the other person. If they have genuine gripes with some of your actions, try to work on resolving them rather than continuing and hoping they’ll somehow accept the problem. Date nights are important, never underestimate the importance of spending quality time together.

It can take a lot of effort to keep a marriage going but if you love them, it’s worthwhile.

Not with the right person.

Maybe this is going to be wrong to say but I feel like you can tell who's going to divorce before they even get to the alter. For example, if the girl worships Pinterest weddings at extreme costs and the guy can't take long term planning seriously... You know they're going to have a bad time. I know too many people like this who have divorced. The oddballs who don't care what others think and are financially humble usually stick it out.

Lots of people can’t be bothered making an effort with each other.

There are loads of happily married people in this world who go the distance. You just don't tend to hear about it as much as the bad stories. Like many other things in life! Humans love to latch on to misery and negativity.

I really would try not to worry about it. There is nothing to be gained from worrying that one day your happy marriage could go bad. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. All the worry will do is ruin the happiness that you have right now.

Marriages can definitely work. Especially if both parties are aware of the possibility that it may not, if they don't put effort into their relationships, both as parents and as partners. If you treat your partner the way you would wish to be treated, let them know how you want to be treated, and expect to be treated, if you realise you're as imperfect and irritating as they are (if everything's bog standard normal), if you apply patience, grace, and empathy, and receive it, if you work as a team and a unit, pulling in the same direction - it'll work.

For us, the bottom line was an agreement before we ever had kids that whoever walked out the white picket gate first, had to take the kids with them. Always kept us within that white picket gate. . .

There's also probably big variations by religion/ethnicity/social class in likelyhood of getting divorced.

That probably affects how many people you know who are divorved or what people think are 'good enough' reasons for divorce.

I think too many couples become complacent after a long time together

I know it's an old fashioned view but I think marriages have peaks and troughs. It's getting through the bits when things are just about "OK" that gives you the shared experiences to be properly close that comes from a very long marriage.

As I said, an old fashioned view, but I think people give up too early and it's the lows that make you value the highs. Others would say it's wrong to settle for mediocrity or something that doesn't make you happy.

FWIW some studies suggest that the brain can't actually cope with being happy all the time, it's there to keep us alive, it's not designed to always be happy.

Unfortunately, too many people are unfaithful when things start to become difficult at home and I don't know ho you come back from that. I do think a long marriage is possible and a good thing for some people, but I don''t think it's possible for that to be "great" for 40/50/60 years without any struggles.

14th anniversary today. 3Dcs and I'd marry him again in a heartbeat.

It's definitely never going to be 'and they all lived happily ever after', when you're looking at 40+ years (if you're lucky), through work woes, money worries, trying to conceive, having small kids, having big kids with student loans and relationship problems, having parents age and need help, and relations die, family tensions and marital break ups, inheritance issues, sickness, both physical and mental, young bods grow into creaky and flabby older bods, mortgages, failed businesses, addiction issues, cycling, golf, siblings and their families. . .

Everyone feeling really happy now?!

A long term relationship has to weather a lot of shit. If you do it together, talking, with a similar sense of humour, and particularly if one of you can manage to stay strong when the other has to have a moment (but not always the same one staying strong, and the same one having a moment), you can definitely get there. . .

Pressed post too soon!!!
We have had struggles (2 DCs with SEND and I've not been able to go back to work) but i wouldn't swap him for anything. We talk a lot and we are still as affectionate now as we always were. Holding hands, we sit on the same sofa not apart and neither of us take the other one for granted. If any of that slips one of us will mention it and we sort it out.

Of course they can.

I do think a LOT of people settle for an “average” marriage though - which is absolutely fine if that’s their choice.

I also think there are people who aren’t suited to marriage, and they only discover x number of years down the line.

Don’t worry about it OP, whatever happens happens.

The thing about "happily ever after" is that it takes a shit tonne of work and nurturing. Too many people think "marriage" is the same as "wedding" and there's no foundation to the relationship. Marriages need strong foundations to weather the crap life can throw at them. But, contrary to what lots of Mnetters would like you to believe, strong ones do exist. 22 years in and were hiding hands in bed last night and pissing ourselves laughing because MrElbows accidentally folded me up in the pillows (or got caught trying to smother me!). It's being friends and communication that make a big difference.

My parents have been married for 50 years and they have definitely been through some difficult times as well as good. But predominantly they’re happy.

I am divorced but I do think that it is entirely possible to stay with someone for life and that people are too quick to give up these days or even to advise others to do so.

My divorce came about because of emotional abuse and various other things but while I do think that people should feel they can leave if they really want to, I think that all too often people are encouraged to leave rather than to stay and work on things, especially when there are children involved.

Sometimes I see on here that people say that children are far better off with separated parents than in an unhappy marriage, but IMO people are too quick to label a marriage as unhappy purely because things aren’t going the way they want when they want.

Conversely however, I remember my grandparents, and my eXH’s grandparents, and both were incredibly unhappy for years. Had they thought about it they might have either been able to work things out or if necessary, leave and find happiness elsewhere.

but IMO people are too quick to label a marriage as unhappy purely because things aren’t going the way they want when they want

But it’s their marriage. Surely they’re best placed to decide whether they continue or not. Surely it doesn’t matter to you in the slightest?

Been with DH 38 years married 33.
When I was a child, a friend divorced. I always remember my DM (55 years married when my Dad died) saying about this friend
"her problem is she always expects to be on cloud 9"
I've never forgotten those words and have applied them to my own marriage.

I think marriages can last - my parents have a happy marriage.

I am in an unhappy marriage and want to leave but can’t bear the idea of hurting the children - and, to an extent, him.

I think marriage is so complicated but if you enjoy each other’s company and laugh together and talk often then you’re heading in the right direction. I also agree with the PP about one person being strong for the other.

Maybe this is going to be wrong to say but I feel like you can tell who's going to divorce before they even get to the alter.

I am the bloodhound of unsuccessful relationships in my social group.

Some of my predictions take a very long time to fulfil, but they've all come true so far, and no surprise break ups on top of that either.

IMO I think what people are saying here is it comes down to if the couple is realistic or not. People who put so much pressure on another person to make them happy, are not going to be happy and are going to most likely divorce. People who understand that a marriage is just a living situation, just like being single is, and if you weren't ecstatic all the time while single then why should you expect marriage to be that way for you, are probably going to be alright. This is the problem with people who get caught up on having extravagant fantasy weddings and whatnot, it's too much and it shows that the couple is misguided. From what I have seen, if you are going to have really high expectations for your marriage then divorce, and you do it again, you will probably divorce again or you will decide that you're not a person who can handle marriage. It doesn't mean that the person really can't handle marriage, but the expectations are just far too high. No one can control your emotions but you. If things go sour somewhere along the line (i.e. infidelity) there were usually red flags for this before marriage happened, or the couple should have gotten to know each other more before marriage. So no, not all marriages are doomed, but like everything in life, it all depends on the couple.

44 years in a few weeks, so yes it can work but you need to work at it too

I wonder if it's because you tend to hear more about the breakups, upheaval and drama than you do about the uneventful, happy ordinariness of a contented marriage with no dramas.