Page 2 | AIBU to think marriages can work out?

Allthebiscuits · 2019-07-23T12:15:32+00:00

Flurry of break ups in every direction I look at the moment. We're only 4 years in with two young children and we feel like a good family unit, but all these breaks up due largely to 'growing apart' have me reaching out for some words of hope!

CherryPavlova · 23/07/2019 17:52

Coming up to thirty years and whilst we had to work at it when the children were tiny and money was short, were happy. Most of our friends are long term married couples too.
Neighbours are sixty plus years married. Mother in law widowed in fortieth year of marriage now remarried and irs been a surprising 16 years. Both her marriages have been happy.

romany4 · 23/07/2019 17:54

DH and I have just booked our 30th anniversary trip for next year.
We've had our ups and downs through the years. Periods of unemployment, bereavements and a lot of ill health. He's disabled now but we've always made time for each other whilst raising our chikdren.
We've always talked things through and still laugh together and are loving and affectionate.
Marriage takes work but it's worth it if you married the right person

WeirdCatLady · 23/07/2019 17:57

Dh and I are both incredibly stubborn. We, individually, decided that the other was the one for them. Been married nearly 25 years.

People give up too easily imho.

PurpleDaisies · 23/07/2019 17:58

Of course they can.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 18:02

People give up too easily imho

Surely that’s not your call to make?

icannotremember · 23/07/2019 18:11

Marriages can work, of course. My mum and dad celebrate 40 years this weekend.

But I hate the thought that if a marriage doesn't work it's down to insufficient effort and is a failure. People need to be able to leave marriages as easily as they entered them. The idea of people staying in unhappy marriages because to do otherwise is 'giving up' is very sad. I like being with my dh, I have no plans to divorce him, but if it ever happens I won't be ashamed of it.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 18:13

But I hate the thought that if a marriage doesn't work it's down to insufficient effort and is a failure. People need to be able to leave marriages as easily as they entered them. The idea of people staying in unhappy marriages because to do otherwise is 'giving up' is very sad. I like being with my dh, I have no plans to divorce him, but if it ever happens I won't be ashamed of it.

Such a great post!

MsAwesomeDragon · 23/07/2019 18:34

My parents are happily married, have been for 45 years now. There have been some seriously tough times for them, involving serious/chronic illnesses for both of them (at separate times thankfully), caring for elderly relatives (my grandma came to live with us for the years leading up to her death, while there were 3 teen-agers also living at home), bereavements, etc. Each one of those tough times pulled them together as a team, they worked together to get through it all.

I've been married 4 years now, but we've been together 13 years. I'm not sure we'll make it to 45 years like my parents, mainly because we were older when we got married. I don't have any plans to get divorced though (although we do joke about it, then both decide we're to lazy to deal with the paperwork). We've had a few tough times over the 13 years we've been together, and I'm glad we've managed to help each other through them rather than drift apart.

I'd never say we'll always be together though, as I've seen quite a few people get divorced recently after a long and "happy" marriage. My uncle left his wife of 30 years as soon as their youngest child went to uni. Mil and fil divorced when DH left home (a long time before I met him), then mil remarried and was married for 20 years before he cheated. Friends are currently splitting up after 25 years of marriage, once the kids left home they had nothing in common any more. I do know lots of people in long marriages, but I am very aware that even those long marriages aren't guaranteed to last forever.

boredboredboredboredbored · 23/07/2019 18:38

My exh didn't grow apart we were just never right for each other in the first place. I didn't see that though at 23 it took 2 years then we stuck it for another 14 years.

My folks are childhood sweethearts together at 14, now in their 60s and my Dm says she still gets butterflies when my Dad pick her up from work.

Minxmumma · 23/07/2019 18:46

Of course they can and those that don't have their reasons.

My dh and I are 7 years in. We've so far survived two bouts of cancer and a house fire, a new baby and the actual getting married bit (that was the hardest!). We have 4 children and friends rated us the least likely to get on..... when we first met I thought he was a proper knob!

Instagrrr · 23/07/2019 18:49

From what I’ve seen a lot of marriages break up because they’ve been built on the foundation of one larger wage earner (usually male) and the other partner (usually female) living a very financially comfortable life or becoming financially reliable on that person. But other than being financially well off these men are usually lacking in anything else, often cheat, are lazy and selfish. A lot of the women ignore this.

I’ve seen a lot of times people having children when they are unstable in an effort to stabilise a relationship, or continue to have children in a relationship that is not worth sticking with. These people then get fed up when the other person doesn’t magically change.

Husband and I have been together 14 years, married 1. We lived together for years before having children, we both know what we bring to the table and we are open and honest with each other. We didn’t base our relationship on living the life of Riley with the latest cars or the nicest furniture. We didn’t build our relationship relying on the children to keep us together because we knew we could do that before.

Peakypolly · 23/07/2019 19:05

30 years married, sometimes I don’t like my DH much but I have never not had a glow in my heart when we cuddle and I have always been so proud to tell anyone that he is my DH.
I have been called an idiot on MN before for saying that I consider the promises I made in the wedding service are not promises I would be prepared to break. Thankfully, so far, DH feels the same so
if a marriage doesn't work it's down to insufficient effort and is a failure rings true to me - sorry.

I am very aware I might come over as smug or naive but I can only speak from my experience and my experiences of family and friends. I know from MN that I may be being foolish but, having been with DH since 20, I am prepared to take the risk on “forsaking all others” for him. I agree with peaks and troughs and now our youngest DD is at university we are rediscovering each other all over again.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 19:14

rings true to me - sorry

How on EARTH do you know what effort other people put into their marriage

Instagrrr · 23/07/2019 19:17

I think a lot of the time it’s not down to lack of effort, it’s down to masses of effort with the wrong person

mbosnz · 23/07/2019 19:19

I absolutely agree with no fault divorce. How silly to force people to stay together when one of them is not prepared to make it work, or is seeking to escape because their partner is abusive. And no one outside the two in a marriage ever know what really goes on - not even the kids. Hell, sometimes the two in the marriage can't see what is actually going on.

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 19:20

Almost 31 years together, married 26.
For us it was being friends, soulmates and lovers. It was important to never let this go, so we didn't.
Ups and downs as life throws you but you just rethink, communicate and move forward, maybe on a different path than before.
We've had no major fall outs along the way, and found communication to be key for everything.

goose1964 · 23/07/2019 19:40

I once heard an adage that said marriage is made up of good days, bad days and OK days, as long as the good and OK are more than the bad that's a good marriage. I try to remember that on a bad day, we've been married for 31 years in a couple of weeks.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 19:42

I once heard an adage that said marriage is made up of good days, bad days and OK days, as long as the good and OK are more than the bad that's a good marriage

I suppose that’s the crux for me. I don’t want to settle for “ok”!

Youngandfree · 23/07/2019 19:51

Well if you had asked this question 4 months ago...I would have said the usual “ yadda yadda my parents have been married for 37 years and have been through A LOT!! Well...it turns out that for them 37 years was enough!! So in my eyes right now NO marriage is safe from separation/divorce 😭

Youngandfree · 23/07/2019 19:54

And FWIW for anyone on this thread thinking oh my DH would never leave me!! Yep my mum used to think that too!! Turns out he was living two lives... WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!! I certainly didn’t and I was his daughter!! And he didn’t even work away!!!

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 19:57

goose

That's lovely and hardly settling for ok. I'm sure if it was just ok you'd have separated years ago.
I don't think those who haven't experienced a forever relationship understand. They expect life to just sail along without any problems. In the real world there are two adult individuals in a marriage and however many children they have.
Giving up too easily rings true ime too. I see it all too often, and wonder if marriage is too easy or if divorce is, anyway it's socially acceptable and from threads on here almost expected, and this is sad.
Of course it's never too early to leave an abusive relationship this goes without saying.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 23/07/2019 20:02

I definitely believe they can. My parents - 52 years married and still going. One sibling- together since 17, now mid 40s and still going strong. My own marriage - although one never likes to jinx - 13 years and I'm still very happy. There are so many factors in a divorce that it's hard to quantify an overall reason. Divorce rates are certainly higher but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing as no one should remain in an unhappy union. The past has shown us that much. Children can be loved and secure by parents who are no longer together as a family. That's the main thing.

madcatladyforever · 23/07/2019 20:03

No hope here, |I have 2 failed marriages under my belt. I made every effort to stay married and I'm never doing it again.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 20:03

That's lovely and hardly settling for ok. I'm sure if it was just ok you'd have separated years ago

I didn’t say Goose settled for ok.

Giving up too easily rings true ime too. I see it all too often, and wonder if marriage is too easy or if divorce is, anyway it's socially acceptable and from threads on here almost expected, and this is sad

How do you know how quickly people give up? You seem to think an awful lot of your unshakeable knowledge

Of course divorce should be socially acceptable. Why wouldn’t it be? Do you think it’s something to be ashamed of? Would you like us all to wear scarlet letters so you can spot the fallen women?

mydogisthebest · 23/07/2019 20:04

Yes of course marriages can work out.

Certainly in my family we have some pretty long marriages, practically no divorces.

Parents married 67 years still very much in love, hold hands all the time. Me and DH married 40 years still very much in love, both siblings married over 35 years still very happy. All first marriages.

Four sets of aunts and uncles all married over 60 years, seem happy and all first marriages.

Out of 6 cousins 4 have been married 29 years or more. As far as I know all happy and all first marriages. Other 2 cousins are divorced.

Of course my marriage has not all been roses but I wouldn't say we have had to particularly work at it. We have always been best friends as well as husband and wife and have a lot in common.

We also don't have children so have never had that stress