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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not say thank you

60 replies

MrSsMrs · 22/07/2019 17:07

Ok so I know I'm BU but maybe with good reason? DBIL (we'll call him Richard) has sent DD2 a card with a small amount of cash for her birthday. Card has first names only, not from "Uncle Richard" as he normally would. No phonecall or text to wish her happy birthday.

Back story is Richard and wife have stopped all contact with PIL for whatever reason since last year. DP and Richard had words about it as PIL are lovely people who have done nothing but bail Richard out whenever he's needed it (financially and otherwise) but both sides calmed down and DP apologised for getting involved, so we thought things had been left civil enough but maybe a little strained. They live quite far from us so we didn't see them alot anyway, only at PIL house when visiting. Now they don't speak to PIL we don't see them or their children but we still sent them birthday and Christmas cards. Earlier this year our daughter was rushed to hospital by blue light ambulance due to a severe bowt of croup leaving her unable to breath and extremely high heart rate. They were aware of what had happened while we were in the hospital and not once did he text to see how she was. I understand after everything that happened, they might have still been angry at us but to know she couldn't breath and not at least ask if was ok seems pretty bloody mean to me! After that I told DH I was not interested in maintaining any form of relationship with them, after not giving a shit their niece could have died (it was that severe). DH had no problem with that as agreed it was out of order. We've not spoken to them since and TBH I didn't even expect them to send a card. So am I being completely U to not acknowledge someone who couldn't even be arsed to check that their niece was still alive in the first place?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 22/07/2019 17:11

Why are they being funny with you? Have you not found out why they had a falling out with the pil?

Vesperia · 22/07/2019 17:12

yes - it would be very ungrateful, he didn't have to remember her birthday at all

CremeEgg2 · 22/07/2019 17:13

Why did you get involved with their argument with PIL?

If you feel strongly then return the card and money, it's cheeky to take their money otherwise.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 22/07/2019 17:15

While I think they've not behaved well at all, sinking to their level sounds a bit petty to me.

A thank you means you retain the moral high ground.

Sirzy · 22/07/2019 17:15

YABU. They are making an effort don’t throw it back in their faces.

To be honest if your not in contact that much I wouldn’t expect much reaction to a croup attack. As nasty as they are I wouldn’t expect a massive reaction from extended family to it

AllFourOfThem · 22/07/2019 17:16

I think you either return the card and money, with an explanation why or else say thank you if you keep it.

Namechangedonceagain · 22/07/2019 17:17

Agree - return the card and money or say thank you. It's weird to keep it and not say anything.

SittingAround1 · 22/07/2019 17:17

You should thank them.

IamtheOA · 22/07/2019 17:18

Maybe they found out she was I'll, and the that she was ok at the same time....?

Just say thank you.

Taichipandas · 22/07/2019 17:18

They've made a gesture of "peace" to you by sending a present and card for your DD, so this is the moment when you can decide to continue the feud and let it deepen, or let bygones be bygones. Be the better person op!

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 22/07/2019 17:18

Of course your husband should thank his brother for the gift.

SittingAround1 · 22/07/2019 17:20

Also I suspect there is a massive back story here as grown children don't normally go no contact with their 'lovely' parents for no reason.

Mintypea5 · 22/07/2019 17:20

My brother completely forgot my DS2 birthday not even a card (not that I kind that much we only see him about 2x a year and he never remembers mine either 🙈) so I think it's nice they remember at All.

I'd either just say thank you or return the card and money if you're not happy 🤷🏻‍♀️

5foot5 · 22/07/2019 17:20

It could be intended as an olive branch so I would accept it and send a message to say thanks.

EvaHarknessRose · 22/07/2019 17:21

Maybe he thought he was the last person you would want to hear from at that moment.

Its an attempt to move on, if you don’t want to you don’t have to.

Hadalifeonce · 22/07/2019 17:24

TBH, haven't had a thank you from DH's niece & nephews for years, unless they are handed to them. Do they thank you for the gifts you send?
Don't sweat it if they don't, some people just don't send or expect thanks.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 22/07/2019 17:24

Maybe he thought he was the last person you would want to hear from at that moment.

I agree with this, and also, how can you possibly know the full situation if you don't know why he went NC with his parents? Surely that must have been something quite serious?

akmum18 · 22/07/2019 17:26

Regardless of what has happened in the past I think you should still say thank you, it’s petty and childish otherwise and their arguments shouldn’t be anything to do with you he might be attempting to build bridges by sending the card at all

greenwaterbottle · 22/07/2019 17:29

Do a card from your daughter. Would be churlish to keep it and do nothing.

Gillian1980 · 22/07/2019 17:31

How old is dd? If old enough I’d expect her to thank him herself instead of you doing it.

If she’s too young then yes you should thank him for her. If you feel strongly then return the money but really it’s a gift for her not for you. Is it worth spoiling their niece/uncle relationship for?

MrSsMrs · 22/07/2019 17:46

@Cherrysoup not really got to the bottom of it. Seems to be all sorts of weird and wonderful reasons and that PIL are crazy etc but were happy enough to take money off them when needed. I think it maybe something to do with MIL pulling him up on not seeing his DS's for weeks and weeks at a time. He used to see them every week and then gradually seemed to see them less and less. He's now only seen them once in the last 6 months.

@CremeEgg2 it was silly I know but I think DP got really angry with them after listening to his Mum cry about it asking what she'd done wrong and also our DD1 got upset because she unfortunately saw her Nan upset

@SittingAround1 I've been with my DP for many years and honestly they are lovely. MIL would do anything for any of us (maybe that's the problem?!) Problems only started when he met SIL as she seems to not like any of us, even DH Grandad! She blocked me on SM for saying I loved to see pics of their DC!!

Thanks all, I knew I was BU as I've been raised better. It's definitely not an olive branch as when I have text regarding Easter etc I get ignored and when we text Happy birthday to their DC and sent card with money, it doesn't get acknowledged until I text to ask it they'd received it ok. We had a card sent to us for Christmas from my family and it had been opened, so if I send voucher/money I like to check it's been recieved ok. I shall not be petty and I will text to say thank you

OP posts:
MrSsMrs · 22/07/2019 17:56

@Gillian1980 not old enough to do it herself and they don't have a niece/uncle relationship.

@EvaHarknessRose I could understand that but he's never acknowledge it even to this day. I could just never not make sure any of my nieces/newphews are ok.

I realise I'm being childish and will say thank you. I think I just needed others to say what I already knew haha

OP posts:
Tavannach · 22/07/2019 18:00

Yes, I think it would be unreasonable not to say thank you for a gift to your DD. I can understand why you're upset, but it may be that when she was in hospital they thought you would prefer to focus completely on her, and not be disturbed by well-meaning texts.

dozy12345 · 22/07/2019 18:11

yes eventually you want things to reconcile, so continuing to do the right thing is the correct, boring answer isn't it? Not an escalation. I wouldn't particularly call or text nieces/nephews I hardly see, they have done something which does show thought.

PrincessScarlett · 22/07/2019 18:21

I think you should thank them for the card otherwise you come across as bad as them. I also think saying you want nothing to do with them because they didn't ask after your DD is a bit over the top. I appreciate she might have died but croup to most people isn't life threatening so they may have just presumed being rushed to hospital was just a precaution.