AIBU to not say thank you

[MrSsMrs]

Ok so I know I'm BU but maybe with good reason? DBIL (we'll call him Richard) has sent DD2 a card with a small amount of cash for her birthday. Card has first names only, not from "Uncle Richard" as he normally would. No phonecall or text to wish her happy birthday.

Back story is Richard and wife have stopped all contact with PIL for whatever reason since last year. DP and Richard had words about it as PIL are lovely people who have done nothing but bail Richard out whenever he's needed it (financially and otherwise) but both sides calmed down and DP apologised for getting involved, so we thought things had been left civil enough but maybe a little strained. They live quite far from us so we didn't see them alot anyway, only at PIL house when visiting. Now they don't speak to PIL we don't see them or their children but we still sent them birthday and Christmas cards. Earlier this year our daughter was rushed to hospital by blue light ambulance due to a severe bowt of croup leaving her unable to breath and extremely high heart rate. They were aware of what had happened while we were in the hospital and not once did he text to see how she was. I understand after everything that happened, they might have still been angry at us but to know she couldn't breath and not at least ask if was ok seems pretty bloody mean to me! After that I told DH I was not interested in maintaining any form of relationship with them, after not giving a shit their niece could have died (it was that severe). DH had no problem with that as agreed it was out of order. We've not spoken to them since and TBH I didn't even expect them to send a card. So am I being completely U to not acknowledge someone who couldn't even be arsed to check that their niece was still alive in the first place?

DBIL (we'll call him Richard)

Because we’ll be confused with you calling him DBIL?

Just send a simple text saying thank you for the card and money.

Say thank you. It makes you the better person, and at least they sent a card. Needs to be acknowledged, if yòu have manners.

Are you sure it's definitely from Richard? Because if he's ignoring all texts etc. and not making any contact and the card is written differently to how he has always written it I would consider the possibility that someone else has sent it on his behalf. Although from what you have said I can't think who. Just a thought.

@PrincessScarlett maybe, maybe not given the way he has treated people - especially the lack of contact with his DSs. It wasn't just the croup that was a concern, it was the high heart rate - basically we were told if they couldn't get it to sabilise it would end up in a very serious situation. I know they knew what was going on as I sent a message to SIL instead of my best friend with the same name, who had tried to call me mid ambulance ride, so I'd quickly text to explain the situation and didn't look properly as to who I sent it to.

@yabbers - point taken - I thought I would put that for conext of the card 😂

@Redshoesandtheblues I was definitely raised with manners so I will say thank you. I guess part of me is wondering why when they've made it clear they have no intention of seeing us again. Do we carry on just sending cards to each others children for years, when soon their children won't even know who we are and vice versa?

They were aware of what had happened while we were in the hospital and not once did he text to see how she was. Maybe they were just trying not to bother you with needing to answer texts when you had so much else going.

@meredintofpandiculation it is possible and that I've taken it as not caring but to not even text to see how she was once things had settled down? It's been months now and no word at all. If it had been the other way around I just can't imagine I wouldn't have checked at all

yes, I'm not sure I'd be texting a relative I wasn't in regular contact with when I accidentally heard about it, for fear of being in the way/adding to the burden. Perhaps the present is some sort of small recognition of DD.

I will do the polite thing and text and say thank you. I knew I was BU but sometimes you just need other people to tell you what you already know 😁

I bet they wondered why the text about DD had been sent given what had gone, maybe they thought it had been sent by mistake too?

But he has still sent the card and money which is showing willing. Just say thanks.

X post good stuff OP.

This just seems very OTT to be honest. I think it’s your sentence about not checking she was alive before sending the card. I’m assuming you’re being flippant but he may not have realised how serious it was and/or not known what to say at the time. I’m sure it wasn’t that he just didn’t care . I agree with you that you need to say thank you.

@WhoTellsYourStory sorry didn't mean checking she was alive before they sent the card, I meant checking at the time she was ill. We've not heard anything from them since before she was taken ill at the beginning of the year. I've messaged to say thank you and I know there will be no respone but c'est la vie 🤷‍♀️

You and your husband inserted themselves into the problem he had with his parents, you should not have done that. You put yourselves in that situation and evidently made it awkward for him. Most likely when what happened to your daughter did happen, they did not know whether you would want to even hear from them. You created those problems yourself.

The fact he has remembered and reached out is an act of kindness and you should take this as an olive branch, thank them and reach out. Surely you can maintain a relationship with them without the parents being involved, considering they haven't actually done anything to you?

Nonetheless, don't be petty, allow your daughter to also say thank you to her uncle. This is the perfect opportunity to heal and mend things.

Say thanks as your the better person

"A small amount of money"

Would you have been happier if they'd sent more money?

@15YemenRoad he was angry at how upset his Mum was and how his older nephews have been pushed to the side since their child came along, which I think is understandable. Richard hasn't seen his sons in 6 months!!! For years DP has watched his brother take complete advantage of his parents (albeit they have to take some blame for allowing it) and then he's had to watch his parents be treated like shit when they were no longer needed. We're the ones who have had to console her when she's been absolutely devastated by what's happened and then have our DD1 upset in the process. So yes, he shouldn't have got involved but he acted in anger. Guessing you missed the part where I said he did apologise for getting involved? They've made it quite clear they want no involvement with any of us, even before my DP got involved as we were blocked on SM before this happened. SIL for some reason has never liked PIL and has made DN's feel unwanted, especially when they moved 3 hours away and then the excuses started as to why they couldn't see DNs. I did message to say thank you, as of course it is the polite thing to do.

@mushroomwall no not at all, the amount of money is irrelevant really but for clarity we're talking a fiver in her card.

I'm just frustrated by the whole situation to be honest and wish it could be fixed but honestly I don't think it will be.

TBH you sound like hard work and a bit entitled.
You have strong views about their relationship with your in laws but don’t actually know the full story from their perspective.
Nobody is obliged to text you when your child is ill. I would find it odd as even rude if I got a random text about my nieces illness that was clearly meant for someone else. Why didn’t you follow it up with an explanation?? It seems attention seeking in the same way as vague Facebook status posting.
1.Mind your own business

1. Accept that you don’t know the full story and there could be legitimate reasons why they are NC with pils
2. Send a thank you card
3. Remember you and your children are not the centre of everyone else’s world

Also I suspect there is a massive back story here as grown children don't normally go no contact with their 'lovely' parents for no reason

This.

You sound like you want to stir up trouble over nothing.

I suspect also you both got all up in their business and made a bad situation worse. You already know you're unreasonable now to hold a grudge for this long, and not to say thanks.

Try to be thr bigger person. Not the smaller one. It is not a race to the bottom.

You two got involved in an argument that wasn’t yours. You may say PIL are lovely but you don’t know the ins and outs of other people’s relationships. Either say thank you like a normal person or return the gift

He doesn't sound great but I do think you are making it to be a bigger thing than it is.

Not giving himself a title in the card is not a big deal. I do cringe when I hear people being referred to as 'Aunt Name' and 'Uncle Name', it's unnecessary.

He sent a card to convey birthday wishes, he does not also need to send a text and phone, particularly if your DD is too young to use the phone.

You sent Christmas cards to his family. He sent a birthday card to yours, I don't see the difference.

@Toastedstrudel interesting you jump to that conclusion but I am certainly not entitled (maybe a little hard work at times though). Yes I do have strong views about what has gone on and their relationship. I have know them all for over 20 years and I have seen the full advantage that his brother has taken and then we're the ones that have had to pick up the pieces once they've decided inlaws are of no further use to them and gloating over the fact they won't see their DGC when they are very loving GP. However to be honest my main issue is his NC with his 2 DS. He hasn't even contacted them by phone. Things were fine until SIL had her child and then things have gone south from there and everyone has been shut out from DH side of the family - even those not involved in any arguements. I cannot respect someone who has turned his back on his children. MIL is a grown up and in a position to deal with it but I've been that child whose Dad didn't care enough to see them more than 3 times a year, so I know how those boys are likely to be feeling.

@Bluntness100 I'm not sure it made it worse but of course it wouldn't have helped. Some of the things that were said to MIL were not things that he could ignore and the last straw for him was our DS1 crying after seeing her Nan upset, which obviously should have been avoided.

@praiseyou ok maybe I am making it a bigger deal then it needs to be over the card and the no "Uncle" and "Aunt" bit but that isn't how he would normally sign off a card to them so maybe I've taken it as a "slight" on my children?

Anyway I messaged to say thanks, so that's the end of it really. If they want to be in contact they know where we are and if they don't, they don't. Anytime we message them we get ignored so I don't think there's any point in us trying further.

Can you seriously not grasp how judgemental and interfering you sound? It's easy to be polite and detached. Let your in-laws get on with it you don't have to go piling in with your wooden spoon. Stop projecting too. BIL isn't your dad.