AIBU to think potty training shouldn’t take as long as this?

[Midlandsmummy29]

Hi. Posting here for more traffic.

DD has been potty training for around 3 months now. She will be 3 at the end of September. She knows what to do, if we leave her bottomless she will run to the potty and use it happily. She can also pull down loose clothes, lift up her dress etc to use the potty. If we are out, I take her to the toilet regularly and she’ll happily use it. She is dry overnight, doesn’t need a pull up. We used to put pull-ups on her when going out but stopped that to avoid confusion, we take plenty of spare clothes instead.

The main problem is that she doesn’t tell us when she needs the toilet and we have to keep prompting her. She is often so engrossed in playing that she’ll have an accident and tell us afterwards. We had a couple of days where she told us she needed to go and we showered her with praise but then she stopped telling us!

We are three months in and it’s starting to drive me mad. She has between 0-3 accidents per day and has never had more than 2 days in a row dry.

I feel like this is the last part that needs to click into place but it’s really stressing me now as the last few months have revolved around reminding her to use the toilet!

AIBU to think it should have clicked by now?!

The pressure with potty training these days! It’s an individual process. Babies can learn whenever you feel like going through the process with them. All this deep psychoanalysing and overthinking is so hard on parents who often end up in tears about this topic. And then the kids end up in tears feeling all the panic and stress about it. It’s so unnecessary. Although inconvenient nobody dies if a child has an accident anywhere.

What I've done every time us when I have the energy to deal with pee and poo everywhere I’ve told the toddler what’s happening, what they need to do. Took off the nappy, put on pants and got on with life as normal (with many extra pants and bottoms in my bag). They all react differently and take different amounts of time but it’s no big deal. No overthinking or making up big reasons for accidents etc. No stopping and starting and second guessing if they’re ‘ready’. Just normal life but with some accidents for a few days/weeks/months.

I wouldn’t consider multiple accidents a day to be trained at all tbh, at I’m v surprised that people are saying that.

I’d quit it for now and try again in a couple of months tbh. Give both of you a break and give her a chance to develop a bit and mature. Sitting around in wet clothes every day isn’t helping anyone.

It all sounds quite normal to me. And only a couple of accidents a day sounds good. She is still very young and maybe was not quite ready but now you have started I would carry on as you are. Dry at night at her age is amazing.

OMG you’re so right to not go back to nappies.

That kind of confusion is likely to lead to an awful lot of actual real problems you do not want to be getting into.

I’d say she is trained. What you’re describing is IMO part and parcel of parenting young children. You’re expecting a 2 year old to always recognise her own toilet signals AND want to do something about it. That’s an unreasonable expectation I think.

You don’t remind her, you tell her. It’s your job to send her to the toilet.

Goodness I have a 9 yo and a 7 yo and youngest in particular I still have to tell to go to the toilet before we go out etc

I don’t think there’s an issue here at all. If you’re taking her to the toilet on waking up, mid morning, lunch time, afternoon, tea time, bedtime and she’s still having accidents then she’s maybe not clearing her bladder and you might want to see a HV

I wouldn't go back to nappies unless wetting or soiling is distressing to her or she's becoming anxious (then I definitely would).

Try not to let it bother you, no pressure and just take it as it comes. There should be no anxiety around when it clicks for her and she will get there in her own time.

She probably actually wasn't at ready as you thought 3 months ago! My dd has just turned 3 and sometimes asks to sit on the toilet (not yet done a wee there) she can talk, understand what a toilet is for and tell me she's done a poo. However she's in nappies full time still as she's just not there. Tried pants twice for a few days, no joy yet.

I would not say that she’s trained if she has several accidents a day after 3 months.

I’d say she’s not ready and go back to nappies.

My DS trained around 3y 9m - a bit late but he has HFA.

We’d tried a few times before but no joy. On the final time it clicked within about 3 days and that was it. He’s never wet the bed and had maybe 5 accidents outside the home in total.

I think if after a week there’s not significant progress I’d leave it and try again in a few weeks/months.

Out of interest OP what do you do when she has an accident?

If you are fairly certain that it's happening because she's too engrossed in playing to bother going to the toilet then that's a behaviour and a 'choice' rather than something she can't help and needs telling off for rather than reassuring it's ok if that makes sense?

When DC1 went through a phase like this I gently told her off and made it more of a hassle for her wetting herself than it would have been going to the toilet.

So for example I made her stop what she was playing with, take her wet clothes off and help me put them in the washing machine/washing basket, help me pick some new clothes out get her changed into them again, all the time reminding her that if she had used the potty she could still be playing with her trains now.

If there's no consequences for wetting herself then she's no incentive to remember to stop what she is doing to go for a wee.

@pastabest

If an accident happens due to her being too engrossed in play, I make her take her wet clothes off, put them in the washing machine and help me clear up. I then ask her where she should do a wee next time and she will tell me “in the potty”. Maybe I need to explain that she can get back to playing quicker if she uses the toilet.

@Excited101 She’s not worn nappies for a couple of months now, I think it would cause more harm if she suddenly starts wearing them again? If it had been a week or two then fair enough.

Mm I'm going to back track a bit. I don't think she can be properly ready. This keeps happening despite her having to help clean up and she's not really learning anything from it. She's probably just unable to control her bladder properly yet.

I did say I wouldn't put her back in nappies after 3 months but actually I wouldn't have left her in pants for 3 months with so many frequent accidents tbh OP!

I think you can put pull ups back on at this point because it's backtracking if she's not developmentally ready, it's just avoiding her becoming anxious long term about her 'failings' if you see what I mean?

It's NOT backtracking I meant (typo)

Eg you're not backtracking if you're not going forwards. You're just putting a nappy on a child who can't get control their bladder

It can actually take up to a year to become fully toilet trained.

This is madness. Clearly the child isn't ready if it's taking this long. Mine were dry day and night within a week before their 3rd birthdays similar to your DD as they needed to be potty trained for nursery in the September.

You sound like you're almost there just persevere with the reminders and praise. Don't confuse her by changing anything too drastically.

I have spoken to a HV and they advised to continue, avoid going back to pull ups. Apparently things taking this long to click is a lot more common than we realise.

Sorry my mistake I thought you said she was nearly 2! Sorry!

It's not madness that it can take up to a year. 2 of my children were a lot harder to train. They have a lot of other similar traits (v. imaginative, creative, deeply focused on what they enjoy). I started first one at 3.2 and second one at 2.5. They both took a long time, just seems like it took a long time to fully click. I genuinely think 4 is way too old. Obviously if every time is an accident they're probably not ready, but 2-3 a day is still a lot going right. Neither of them ever had a poo accident.

I don't think there's any need to go back to nappies. You need to just remember to remind her every hour or so. She'll get there in time.

My dd was nearly 3 when she was dry day and night in a day, my 4 year old has only been dry for a few months (under paediatrician for suspected ASD) he had a real phobia about having a poo on the toliet which set him back.
Try the ERIC website there is some info on there about toliet training young children which might help.

I think your dd is actually doing quite well. It took mine 3 months to be fully dry during the day and tell us when she needs to go. She has been dry at night for two weeks so we are going to take the plunge at night too and go without a pull up. Our dd has a oull up at the moment when she goes out but I intend to to stop that too over the course of the next few weeks as her bladder control gets better. I still ask her I'd I know it has been a long time without her visiting the toilet but otherwise she will tell you she needs to go. I would persevere.

I would go back to nappies. Our nanny tried with our daughter at a similar age. She just wasn't ready. A couple of weeks after she turned three she tried again. This time she was fully reliable within a week. She's only ever had a couple of wee accidents since then. So many accidents must be stressful and unpleasant for you both.

Yeah she needs to go back to nappies. She’s not ready no matter how many dry nappies she has. It’s just about holding the wee for the toilet burn also about knowing the signals that one is coming & she doesn’t recognise them.
I have 2 children but I’ve also been a childminder for over 19 years so I’ve toilet trained many many children. When they were ready they were day trained in a weekend & night trained within the week. That’s with 100% of the children I’ve had.
Some tried at around the 2.5 yrs stage & just weren’t getting it after a week so I advised putting back in nappies for a few months which the parents did. Then at the 3yr old mark they tried again & it clicked.
My own children were the same.
If she’s having up to 3 accidents a day for 3 months she is not trained & nowhere near ready. I’d put back in nappies, take the pressure off & try again in a few months.

I went back to nappies twice with DD, she's 3.5 now and still has them on at night, but otherwise is great 90% of the time.

Starting nursery was what really cracked it, seeing other kids go and having the responsibility I think. Ironically though, when she does have an accident it's always at nursery!

OP, I would agree with you about not going back to nappies (unless everyone is hugely distressed by this). If you read Diaper Free Before Three, the paediatrician who wrote it had looked at the studies of "toilet readiness" - the original concept was written up by a chap who was paid by Pampers and actually has no physiological basis - if anybody argues with me on it now, I suggest they look up original studies (unfortunately medicine takes ages to categorically debunk myths sometimes, especially in paediatrics). Yes, some children need longer than others, but let's not add pseudoscience and claim that there is a magic toilet-training receptor in the brain or whatever.

It's just another habit that needs forming - and good things take time. You say that your DD would tell you when she needed changing - that's a habit where she knew that soiling already happened and the discomfort of it prompted her to seek you out. Near-full bladder is nowhere near as uncomfortable to her probably, so a different set of habits needs to be formed.

Try saying it out loud yourself, as you mentioned up the thread and see how that goes. If it works, great! If it doesn't work, this ?might be of use: try set times when she has to sit on a potty for a few minutes regardless: first thing out of bed, after every meal, before and after any naps, before bath and before bed. You might need to plan this around being at home or nearby for 2-3days initially.

At the same age DC would always deny needing to go to the toilet when asked, only to have an accident a few minutes later. So I stopped asking, just sent them to the potty. If they did a wee, they could choose 1 sticker from a favourite sticker book (which wasn't available anywhere else except the potty!) to put on the wall next to potty, if they did a poo, it was 2 stickers. Thinking about which stickers they'd like to choose seemed to focus the mind somewhat! It might not be stickers but marbles, or something else she likes but that she only gets for potty time. The only exception is cartoons/tablets - I think they get too distracted watching, so that didn't work at all and just led to tantrums when cartoon finished.

I wouldn't consider her trained either to be honest.

I know on MN everyone thinks kids should be out of nappies as they shoot from the womb but she's just not ready. I started with DS about 2.5 and he just couldn't get it. Persevered for a couple of weeks and put him back in nappies. No way could I go 3 months with a child having multiple accidents a day. I tried again when he wanted to come out of nappies at 3 and he got it in 2 days.

Unpopular but actually I would put back in nappies and try again in a few months.

Took me 5 months with DS 12 years ago. Eventually I was told by my GP to ignore when he wet himself and wait for him to tell me, then just not rush, take time, and suggest he change himself.

Within a day we were sorted!! Obvs I didn't leave him wet and unhappy, just didn't give him loads of attention over the wetness

Happy to be flamed! He's almost 15 now and fab so obvs wasn't that damaging!!

Totally normal. It takes forever!