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Original poster

Is Mum being too nice or should she get half the house now?

83 replies

IsSheTooNice · 22/07/2019 14:10

Sorry, long......
My mum, let's call her Jean, is in her mid-60s. For the last 20 years she's been married to a very nice (but dull) man, let's call him Colin. Colin is kind, dependable and adores her but he's a real home-bod and never wants to go anywhere, no sense of adventure or curiosity and it's got worse now he's retired. He hates spending money. She's much more sociable and likes to travel. Once she retired I think the prospect of a few decades watching him do the crossword and gardening tipped her over the edge and she decided to leave, he was heart-broken and she feels very guilty about this.
At this point she moved in with her sister, they get on very well, there's loads of room and they're both happy with this as a long-term arrangement.

Colin and Jean owned the house 50/50, it's a fairly standard smallish detached, they both sold smaller places to buy it. Jean has just decided to divorce but has said she plans to let Colin live in the house for as long as he wants and she will basically get her half when he dies. He's the same age as her. She hasn't sought legal advice yet (she obviously will) but I'm concerned that she may be being too nice - although she doesn't need the money now I'm worried that she might in the future and might not be able to get it, also she could undoubtedly have a better quality of life now and travel more whilst she's young enough to enjoy it. She doesn't want him to lose his home as well as his wife, if he had to sell then he'd have to buy a smaller terrace or flat whilst she lives in a nice house with her sister. Is this a sensible way forward that causes the least harm or is she being too nice because she feels guilty?

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 22/07/2019 14:42

She doesn't want him to lose his home as well as his wife, if he had to sell then he'd have to buy a smaller terrace or flat whilst she lives in a nice house with her sister.

If Colin is able to buy a terrace or flat outright, all for himself, he is doing fine, isn't he? If he wants a larger property, he can have one - he could simply choose to house-share with a tenant/lodger/friend, in the same way as Jean is doing.

There is no way Jean should lose half her share of her house.
She is being far too accommodating, & that's probably due to feeling guilty for leaving Colin. But the house is half her asset, & she should be using it to live HER life, not pandering to his.

Catherine1987 · 22/07/2019 14:44

It is your mums business and decision, you are entitled to an opinion on it but not entitled to share your opinion with her.

She's asked, of course the OP is entitled to share her opinion.

She should get her half now. He's not a child who is her responsibility. He can either buy her out or move elsewhere.

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2019 14:45

Well, he could perhaps get a lot of satisfaction and a fresh start from buying and decorating and tending to a new house?

Regardless, I’d ask yourself if you are happy that in the future the guilt of the Colin problem might be yours at a time when you’re grieving your mum? No one knows the future and it’s storing up a problem that can easily be avoided.

billy1966 · 22/07/2019 14:47

Definitely clean break.

Your Mum has no idea what the future holds for either of them.

What if she needs the money in 10 years.

These changes are better made now in a clean cut break up, rather than dragging on.

Indeed, what if Colin meets someone or your Mum for that matter.

Clean cut all the way.

megletthesecond · 22/07/2019 14:47

Clean break and split now. If not she's storing up a mess for the future.

3dogs2cats · 22/07/2019 14:49

I think she is being far too nice, and the situation is very risky for her.

Original poster
IsSheTooNice · 22/07/2019 14:49

@Yabbers
Colin got a name as I don't think of him as a SD and 'DM's STBEH' seemed annoying. Jean got one because I like things to be symmetrical!

Smile

OP posts:
Popetthetreehugger · 22/07/2019 14:50

I’d go for clean break ... for he’s sake as well as jeans . When he meets someone who also loves the garden and the crossword as much as him . Then it’s a better start than ‘ I’m living on my ex wife’s charity ‘ .

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/07/2019 14:53

I think she needs to take the money for her half of the house as soon as she can. Otherwise, she is tied to Colin for the rest of her life and is missing out on funds she may need. Also, she has no need to feel guilty. She was unhappy, he was happy, there is no need to stay unhappily married nowadays no matter how nice Colin is.

Supersimpkin · 22/07/2019 14:57

60 is no age to write yourself off.

They may remarry. The arrival of Mrs Colin II will pose problems, as will DM's new Colin. What started off civilised will end up in an eviction row and/or hefty bills for DM.

Either way Colin aged 80 will be up a gumtree if DM needs care, the council will sell the house over his head.

LadyRannaldini · 22/07/2019 15:00

Would these responses have been the same had a man walked out? because he was bored of the marriage?
Whatever she decides there needs to there needs to be wills which state that in the event of her deceasing him you will be entitled to your mother's share once he dies. We had a situation where a house had belonged to one party prior to the marriage but that person died first and the house was then left to the other person's family.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/07/2019 15:01

She should definitely sort things out now. What if she falls out with her sister or her sister becomes ill so she can't live there anymore? They may get on well now but Jean and Colin also once got on well enough to live together.

Also if Colin is as tight as you say he is I'd be gobsmacked if he hasn't already got several thousand ponds stashed away somewhere.

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2019 15:05

Would these responses have been the same had a man walked out? because he was bored of the marriage?

Yes. Why not?
Regardless of who left whom and fir what reason, their relationship is over but their assets remain tied together. That needs to be fixed.
The whole point is it doesn’t matter who left whom, except that guilt is clouding the issue.

itisthecause · 22/07/2019 15:06

Best to sort things cleanly now and both move on.

Things rather rarely get less complicated if left.

Inertia · 22/07/2019 15:09

Clean break,move on.

He could look into the possibility of buying her out.

LillithsFamiliar · 22/07/2019 15:11

Don't share your opinion, instead help her to get legal advice.
I imagine whether or not Colin has DCs will impact on all this too. She also needs to consider what happens to her share if she dies first. Is she happy for Colin to keep all the equity or would she expect it to revert to her DCs on his death, etc?
Also, what is her DSIS dies? Who has a claim to her DSIS' house?
Her plan seems kind-hearted and short-sighted. In trying to avoid difficult conversations just now, she may be storing up problems for the future.

MissConductUS · 22/07/2019 15:11

If the house is perfect for him that's great, but to stay he'll need to take out a mortgage to buy out her half if he doesn't have that much cash.

78percentLindt · 22/07/2019 15:19

Tell her to get legal advice. She doesn't know if she might need the money from the house in future, eg for care or if she and she cannot live with her sister.
Are they joint owners or tenants in common?Even if Jean lets him stay living there- she needs to ensure that they are tenants in common- otherwise if she dies first , all of the house passes to him. There is also an issue with Capital Gaind Tax, for the years she hasn't lived there- but you would need advice on that.
The best solution would be for Colin to buy Jean out.

AllSweetnessAndLight · 22/07/2019 15:23

She should seek legal advice from a solicitor. You'll get all sorts of advice on mn but how much of it will matter if it's not recognised legally. Can Colin afford to give your DMum her half in equity? She'd be very foolish to fritter it all away and not have a backup plan for her latter years in the terms of care. What happens if her sister dies and leaves the house to someone else or has to be sold to fund her care or is part of her estate?

Original poster
IsSheTooNice · 22/07/2019 15:25

Thanks all, your responses echo my initial feelings and I'll encourage her to think through all the scenarios you've mentioned. I'm fairly sure he can't afford to buy her out and I doubt he'd get a mortgage.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 15:27

Is the house paid off? If not, who is paying for it?

GreenTulips · 22/07/2019 15:28

Apart from inheritance

What if either needed care? Would your DM still be responsible?

Is he paying rent on her half?

Are they joint tenants to protect her and him?

Will she contribute to repairs?

What if it needs adapting?

What if he moves a friend or girlfriend in?

motheroffourcats · 22/07/2019 15:32

Has your mum made a will? She must do.
Has your mum sought legal guidance about 'severing the tenancy' of the house they own jointly? She needs to protect hereself here. If your mum becomes uanble to handle her own financial affairs her husband will not be able tomake decisions on her behalf.

Mum needs to get advice about power of attorney now whilst she is capable of making the document. Anyone with dementia or alzheimers cannot make a Power of Attorney. You mum could make the man her tenant and claim rent from him.

He also needs to get legal advice. If he has children or neices or nephews they could come after his estate after his death. The husband to your mum should make a Will and a Power of Attorney document too. He should see a Solicitor.
So often people blindly assume it will all be fine in the end. Sadly that is often not the case at all.

motheroffourcats · 22/07/2019 15:33

Apologies for the typing errors.

1forAll74 · 22/07/2019 15:39

I would tend to be thinking like your Mother,.as although you said your Dad was heartbroken,there seems to be no animosity at all. Believe it or not,some people have these nice and kind tendencies,be they a bit old fashioned ones. Let your Mother do what will make her feel happy about all things.