AIBU to think oh could stay home from work when I’m sick?

[mumsurviving]

AIBU? appreciate your honesty!
my hubby travels for work often, approx 2-3 weeks per month. On a couple of occasions when I have been very sick/heavily pregnant and unwell he has missed a work trip to stay home with me and 2 kids so I can rest/recover. We have no real family help around to come in and help. My youngest is 2y.o. now in creche 3 days p.w and older child is 4, off now on school holidays (starting school in September).
I have been sick the last 2 days, feeling rotten with a fever and sweats/chills and cough, went to doctor and she put me on inhalers and steroids for chest infection and asthma flare up.
he is minding our two kids today, but off on a pre-planned business trip tomorrow for 5 nights.
I asked him is it possible he could reschedule it for next week or go a few days later, since there is no particular event on he is going to, and he promptly said no it’s all arranged, not an option.
AIBU to think he should stay home and let me rest up properly ?

It really depends how ill you are of course. I’ve battled through some awful bugs, crippling periods (endometriosis and adenomyosis) dosed up on morphine etc and found a way - but there are illnesses that make it physically impossible to carry on. When I had pneumonia I couldn’t even lift my head off the bed for a few days, I was so weak. There’s no way I could have lifted the twins, changed their nappies, made food, got them up and down stairs etc. Similarly the recent gastric bug that knocked DH out for 24 hours while I took care of vomiting children - you’re saying that I should be able to care for twin toddlers through an illness that left my husband unable to move?

Leaving me alone with the children would have been really dangerous in these instances.

When you have children, you sometimes need to take time off because they’re sick or the childcare provider is sick. Having a SAHP prevents this for the vast majority of times but that doesn’t mean that a SAHP will never be too unwell to take care of the children.

Sorry OP, but I don’t think you can expect him to drop a work trip last minute, I doubt his company would be too pleased, but I do feel for you.

It does annoy me when people say “you can’t expect him to take time off just because his wife is sick...” though. He would be taking time off because HE HAS KIDS, not because his wife is sick.

@SinkGirl your single mother friends might have family around, but not all do. Certainly those in my circle didn't.

I'm not really having a go at you, but when people with partners are incredulous about said partners not being available (as opposed to unwilling) to help with something, it's a bit insensitive.

It’s horrible OP I do feel for you!

I’m lucky in that DH is relatively flexible in his work, so although he’s only had to come home from work once due to me being ill, he is often able to move things around and work from home or finish early, and he rarely works away.

But he does have meetings and conferences and things that are important and I’d have to be at deaths door for him to reschedule those. It sounds like you’re in a similar position if your DH can often take time off, but I guess you just have to accept that if he’s your only income that some things can’t be rearranged except for emergencies.

Tv is your friend. And any extra childcare you can get

It depend what you can feasibly do.

Sometimes I have been ill where I can barely get to bathroom, not downstairs or get food and drink for myself...

I think it's very said that someone thinks no company would tolerate a man taking time off to look after his own kids because his wife is too ill to do so. I don't think that is the case with all companies but I don't doubt there are many like that. Sadly, this attitude is common in dhs, too.

For what it's worth, I do think dh should go on this trip but, if his wife is too ill, it's his responsibility as co parent to organise alternative childcare, not hers. I don't see why she should be phoning around when she can barely get out of bed

There are a few posts on here saying that as relatives are unable to help, they really have no options.
I just don’t get this. Make friends! You might have to be willing to open your heart and mind a bit to people who do and think slightly differently, but it is really possible and desirable to make friends with whom you can have a mutual support relationship.

I have recently started taking 2 of my neighbours shopping with me once a week. I have to be ready to go a bit slower, and they have to be ready for the element of chaos my toddler brings, but we have all really enjoyed it; makes shopping more of a day out, and plus side is my toddler was really happy to be left with one of them recently.
Win win.
I know shy people find it harder to just talk to people and suggest a plan, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need to do it anyway.
Everyone needs a support network, and people going around thinking they don’t are bonkers.

I am really shocked so many people think you are unreasonable.

Me too, percy.

I wonder how much this situation has been properly discussed/mulled over.

I agree that op needs a support network but what I found, in the absence of mine, is that I couldn't build mutually suportive relationships because I felt overwhelmed as it was without adding returning favours with equally tiny children to the mix.

The emergency nanny thing may work if there's such a thing in the area and dh needs to take as much responsibility in organising it as the op

The mutually supportive relationship only works for childcare favours if the other person needs a favour in return. So you would need to seek out other women who don't have family to help either. I would need to stand at the school gates with a checklist to make sure I befriend the right sort of people! And yes, what if their needs are greater than mine and I'm giving more than I have left to give?

@Thistly, me too. It’s always my first priority moving somewhere to have friends.

TBH I think it's only realistic to expect this in extreme circumstances.....think major surgery or cancer etc.

I'm sorry you're not well, but you're a grown up. Parenting is hard, and yes when you're ill it's harder. Understand that you need to rest but if you're really incapable of looking after the children arrange extra time in childcare, playdates, whatever.
The fact that he's changed work plans to suit you before tells me that he's actually very considerate.
Maybe harsh but suck it up. You've got a chest infection, you're not dying.

I would actually worry about the children as much as I would the sick spouse. With children able to forage for themselves and watch extra telly - far enough. With ones who still need watching every minute, or if driving is expected to get them somewhere, I would be really worried about an accident befalling them. Would you go to work in the same scenario, or are you too ill to do your job? If so you're probably too ill to mind small children safely.

@Percypigparade it isn't exactly tit for tat. I've happily taken the DCs of friends (and friends of the DCs) for holiday days or the odd school pickup without expecting an exact return, and others have done the same for me.
It would be different if you or op were looking for regular childcare, but as an occasional thing, it's about having decent relationships and knowing that if you want a 'village' and don't have family around then you have to build the village yourself, not about being transactional.

I'm sorry you're not well, but you're a grown up.

That's right. Grown ups never get ill. Especially everyone knows once you become a parent you are never ill again. Did you hear that, ladies? Maybe I should have a third kid seeing that I am guaranteed to not get hyperemesis again

What a lot of bollocks. This thread is like the mumsnet version of the Yorkshiremen sketch

Sorry op, I think you would need to be iller than a chest infection and Asthma.

If you can move about and supervise kids, then fine. If not then of course he would have to cancel work trip.