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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think oh could stay home from work when I’m sick?

92 replies

mumsurviving · 22/07/2019 14:06

AIBU? appreciate your honesty!
my hubby travels for work often, approx 2-3 weeks per month. On a couple of occasions when I have been very sick/heavily pregnant and unwell he has missed a work trip to stay home with me and 2 kids so I can rest/recover. We have no real family help around to come in and help. My youngest is 2y.o. now in creche 3 days p.w and older child is 4, off now on school holidays (starting school in September).
I have been sick the last 2 days, feeling rotten with a fever and sweats/chills and cough, went to doctor and she put me on inhalers and steroids for chest infection and asthma flare up.
he is minding our two kids today, but off on a pre-planned business trip tomorrow for 5 nights.
I asked him is it possible he could reschedule it for next week or go a few days later, since there is no particular event on he is going to, and he promptly said no it’s all arranged, not an option.
AIBU to think he should stay home and let me rest up properly ?

OP posts:

Original poster

mumsurviving · 22/07/2019 23:26

Sorry haven’t replied to messages have been so sick this afternoon and evening, thanks for the honest responses though appreciate it xx

OP posts:

Graphista · 22/07/2019 23:59

Do you mean sick as in unwell or sick as in vomiting?

I for one would love to be able to help if possible if you stated exact symptoms. I know dr has thankfully given you meds to treat main issue but perhaps we can help with peripheral symptoms?

zwellers · 23/07/2019 00:29

Seriously damntheman. You would make the dp stay home so he possibly loses his job and then the whole family has no means of support. The unfeeling bastard working to support his family. And thanks
for the useful tips re Norway. That will help the op out with her not living there and all.

Thistly · 23/07/2019 00:45

Agree with towel number 42.
It is not a virtue to manage single handedly with not support.
It is much more sensible to build reciprocal support relationships with people around you.

Then you can call on someone when you are too ill to manage.

And they can call on you too.

It’s awful being really ill when you have kids to look after, but this should motivate you to be prepared for next time, because it will inevitably happen again.

And if you are feeling swindled out of sick leave as a sahp, I sympathise with that as well. However I have a friend who was telling me today that where she works, nobody can afford to take sick days unless they are approaching retirement, because employees are judged on their sick record every time redundancies come round. So don’t look wistfully at employment, because sick leave is not sick leave in many place of work these days.

TwistyTop · 23/07/2019 05:38

I wouldn't expect that business trip to be rearranged unless I was very seriously ill. In which case you'd probably in the hospital anyway so he'd have no choice but to stay.

poopypants · 23/07/2019 06:05

VivienneHolt so you think that going to work to earn money isn't pulling any weight? The OP has already stated that dp has taken time off to look after the dc at other times but sometimes paid work does not allow for that. I'm shocked that you think that a dp who works full time and tries to take time off when the OP is struggling is not already pulling their weight already. Does the OP go into their dps work and complete his tasks when he is unwell? Sheesh. It osunds like both the OP and their dpa are working hard for their family.

flumpybear · 23/07/2019 06:35

What about if he took time off and didn't get paid - would you still be wanting him home?
TBF you need to suck it up and get in with it - take paracetamol and ibuprofen and if possible book your children ad hoc into the crèche if you need time to sleep

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 23/07/2019 07:38

Sorry you feel unwell OP hopefully you have a speedy recovery.

YABU - Your DP has arranged to stay at home today so hopefully as the meds kick in you will feel a little better tomorrow. Asthma and a chest infection is an awful combination and I'm not surprised that you feel so bad.

It is really rubbish when you have to look after DC's on your own when sick but the reality is that many employees would find themselves on a performance review or warning if they stayed at home to provide childcare every time their partner was poorly (but not hospitalised). He has cancelled work trips in the past which shows that when he is able to he will but if he has said this time that is not possible then I would believe him.

As your DH is away for 5 nights I am assuming at the very least he has a hotel booked if he is remaining in the same country and potentially could have travel booked if travelling abroad. Even if he has no specific tasks he must have work to complete or meetings while he is away as a business would not usually incur 5 nights worth travel costs unnecessarily.

MLMhun · 23/07/2019 07:44

YAB ridiculously U.

KnittingForMittens · 23/07/2019 07:49

It doesn't work like that I'm afraid. Having kids is a major responsibility in itself and we simply do not have the time to care about ourselves! I had every illness under the sun but still had to wake up early and be with my DS (I so desperately wanted to stay in bed).

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/07/2019 07:51

@Damntheman sick days in the UK can be used for emergency carer leave. However not every job can easily facilitate this. He's cancelled trips before already, by the sound of it. Also in Norway the vast majority of parents with children (both mothers and fathers) work, so you're not reliant on one job - which op is. Bluntly, as a sahm with one child at crèche 3 times a week and older child at school, op will soon have a very much calmer time than most working or sah parents. The flip side of that is that getting ill during the holidays is hard work, and you need to build relationships with people who can help, pay for it, or as you say, suck it up.

saraclara · 23/07/2019 07:57

It's not just the travel and hotels that would need to be re-arranged. That's probably the easier bit. It's the people he's scheduled to meet with who've booked his time, the contract/sale that depends on him etc. I think you've been really fortunate that he's been able to do it in the past.

I know it sucks, but yep, it will probably make you respect single parents who simply have to just get on with it every time they're ill.

Longtalljosie · 23/07/2019 08:02

Saying the DH needs a more family friendly job is just silly. Their setup already reflects that (the OP being st home) and while on MN people think you can just move into a massive life change I can’t see how you can without a serious financial penalty. Sympathies OP. Can you drive, do you think? If you got your oldest into a day camp at the local leisure centre could you get them there?

SinkGirl · 23/07/2019 08:12

This is the worst part of parenting IMO - being really unwell and in charge of children is awful. When DH is sick he can take a day off sick. When I’m sick I have to get on with it as he has to work. People who have family to lend a hand don’t realise how hard this is.

There’ve been two times when he’s had to not work though - when I had pneumonia a few months ago, and a sickness bug last week. He had it first and was asleep for nearly 24 hours - when it hit me a few days later I just went to bed and he took the day off. He knew I had no choice.

I wouldn’t expect DH to miss a work trip unless I physically couldn’t get out of bed, but I know how much this sucks so YANBU

gandalf456 · 23/07/2019 08:13

Sorry, I don't think that kind of job really works when you have a small family. Not every well paid job requires travel.

Dh and I had similar discussions when ours were small. The most important thing to us was finding something that works with the family.

Like the op, I couldn't just 'suck it up' and frankly, I don't think anyone should. If the situation were reversed, I bet her dh wouldn't last 5 minutes

Damntheman · 23/07/2019 10:18

Seriously zwellers, knowing that another country actually doesn't treat workers a d family rights like shit might actually be helpful in inspiring brits to fight for a better situation. One shouldn't have to be treated like crap and just accept that's how it is. It doesn't need to be how it is.

I also bet OP's partner wouldn't last 5 minutes if the situation were reversed. Single parents and stay at home parents shouldn't HAVE to just suffer through it. It is not unreasonable to want one's partner home to watch the kids when you're on your knees.

I agree with Gandalf. Dh might need to consider a new job with less travel while the kids are small.

SinkGirl · 23/07/2019 11:47

An option could be to pay for childcare to assist you

I hate statements like this. It ignores the fact that last minute adhoc childcare is almost non-existent. And since my twins started nursery at the start of this year, they’ve brought home every bug going which means not only am I constantly ill, but they are often too ill to go.

You've got to have back up options if you have children

Such as? If you have no one to help, you have no one to help. It sucks but it’s reality for many. A good friend is a single mum and she suffers from awful migraines - she takes her DD to stay with her parents who look after them both when she’s really unwell. Some single parents have more help and support than married parents where one works away or very long hours.

CSIblonde · 23/07/2019 11:56

Nowhere I've worked would tolerate someone doing this. And I've worked everywhere from huge blue chip corporates to small family business. I think unless it's an illness requiring A&E visit or a hospital stay he'd be looking at verbal warnings & disciplinary if it's your standard response when you're ill to ask him to be home. Sorry.

SinkGirl · 23/07/2019 11:58

I think unless it's an illness requiring A&E visit or a hospital stay he'd be looking at verbal warnings & disciplinary if it's your standard response when you're ill to ask him to be home.

So what is a SAHP parent supposed to do if they’re physically too unwell to care for their children? Many things could make you this unwell and not require hospitalisation!

BruthasTortoise · 23/07/2019 12:09

If, as a wohp, your planned childcare is unable to look after your children then you are obligated to take time off to look after them until you can source an alternative. Obviously this is slightly different as the childcare provider is the other parent but still theres as much responsibility on the wohp as there is on the sahp to arrange alternative childcare if the sahp can't look after the kids. I honestly see nothing wrong with a wohp taking emergency dependent's leave to look after their children if the other parent is incapacitated.

SarahSinclair · 23/07/2019 12:15

thanks will struggle on

saraclara · 23/07/2019 12:23

So what is a SAHP parent supposed to do if they’re physically too unwell to care for their children? Many things could make you this unwell and not require hospitalisation!

@ SinkGirl - presumably the same as all the single parents have to do when they're ill?

SinkGirl · 23/07/2019 12:27

My friends who are single parents all have family help. I don’t - my mother is dead and the only relatives I see live three hours away and have careers of their own.

I’m not a single parent. I have a DH and we have twins with additional needs so there’s no option of just sticking them watching TV. If I am too sick to take care of them, DH has to do it, and vice versa.

Notverygrownup · 23/07/2019 12:28

Sending loads of sympathy. This was the worst part of being a SAHM I found.

I survived by having the number of an emergency nanny agency so that if I was ever hospitalised whilst dh was away, the kids wouldn't have to be taken into care. I then tried to have a list of local teenagers so that if it wasn't as serious as hospitalisation, I could pay someone to watch the kids for a couple of hours whilst I got some rest.

You do struggle on as best as you can but if you can't do so, you need a back up option, even if you don't use them very often at all.

Best of luck

GreenTulips · 23/07/2019 12:31

Can you do a FB message - a teen may be available for a few hours to help out.

Off £10 an hour ad hock - some may even be doing a childcare coarse and wants experience etc

There are ways! And if you are paying nursery fees there should be some money in the pot

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