AIBU to think oh could stay home from work when I’m sick?

[mumsurviving]

AIBU? appreciate your honesty!
my hubby travels for work often, approx 2-3 weeks per month. On a couple of occasions when I have been very sick/heavily pregnant and unwell he has missed a work trip to stay home with me and 2 kids so I can rest/recover. We have no real family help around to come in and help. My youngest is 2y.o. now in creche 3 days p.w and older child is 4, off now on school holidays (starting school in September).
I have been sick the last 2 days, feeling rotten with a fever and sweats/chills and cough, went to doctor and she put me on inhalers and steroids for chest infection and asthma flare up.
he is minding our two kids today, but off on a pre-planned business trip tomorrow for 5 nights.
I asked him is it possible he could reschedule it for next week or go a few days later, since there is no particular event on he is going to, and he promptly said no it’s all arranged, not an option.
AIBU to think he should stay home and let me rest up properly ?

I generally disagree that men should never have to take time off if the SAHP parent is ill. They'll still have to take less time off than those of us without a SAHP. It does depend on how ill you are and how important the trip is though. If he is generally good about staying at home when you are ill it probably is important so if you can survive by putting the children in front of the television I would do that.

I feel for you OP but if he says it can’t be rescheduled I would trust him. travelling for work gets very tedious and most people I know would grab at a chance to stay home instead so if he says it can’t be done, he’s probably telling you the truth.

Get him to stock up on ready meals so you don’t have to cook much and resign yourself to spending a few days supervising from the settee whilst the kids watch tv and play.

Sorry OP but YABU. There are many, many good points to being a SAHP but sick leave isn't one of them.

I remember vividly having flu with a side helping of pleurisy and weighing up phoning the school to tell them I couldn't manage to get the kids in to save myself the agony of moving against the extra sleep I could potentially get if they went in. It's a tough role

An option could be to pay for childcare to assist you.

OP I feel for you. So difficult to care for children when you feel like death warmed up.
However, as PPs have said, you need to find a flexible childminder or plan B for these situations. Your partner is presumably working away in order to earn higher and therefore have some spare income for these situations. If there’s no slack in the budget to buy extra childcare when you’re unwell, it’s probably not financially worth doing a job with extensive travel.

Sorry you are ill, it is grim when such small children rely on you for everything. But I think you know yabu to expect him to let his employer down at such short notice. My Dh worked abroad a lot when our 2 were tiny. If I was ill, I relied on neighbours - we helped each other out. I have also thrown £ at other people's nannies, the teenager across the street helping out after school, the university returner in the Summer holidays, our cleaner... You need to bolster your support network asap and be ready to be able to both give and take emergency childcare. It covers a multitude of problems when you don't have family on call. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Unless you are basically bed bound or in hospital how do you think single parents cope.

You get up and sure the children might be fed crap and watch tv all day but everyone lives and life continues on. I wouldn’t dream of asking dh to take the day off because I was ill.

DH and I avoided jobs with travel because, without family help, one of us travelling would have made it very difficult for the other to WoH in a well paid job.

If you’re a SAHM you’re facilitating your H’s career, including the travel, and are taking personal economic/financial risks. Look out for your own interests too!

DH has missed all sorts of local days of work when I have been too sick to care for dd, but travel has never been negotiable. That has led to some pretty grim days, but we survived. I have similar constraints at work, especially being at a non-profit where every travel penny is precious.

I’m not surprised you want him to stay and pull his weight sometimes
And are you going to equally say that 'OP should go out to work and pull her weight sometimes' too? No? Oh right, so DH should earn all the money for the family AND drop everything to stay home too? Do you live in the real world where employers actually get pretty pissy with employees taking lots of time off? Or are you in an alternative reality where jobs grow on trees and employers tell you not to worry, they'll pay you to stay at home?

My husband is away a lot for work, and I found it really helped to find sources of backup childcare that I could call on at short notice.

Not just for when I felt a bit poorly but for two occasions when I was rushed into hospital and he was abroad.

Just be kind to yourself. Book as much day care for both children as you can.
Microwave meals or just sandwiches are fine.
Bung the tv on, or lie in the garden watching them.
Get the pool out with bubble bath in and call them clean etc.

@MichelleC69
DH’s work paid for taxis when the alternative would be him staying home rather than bringing in the £££ his travelling made for the firm. Ditto paying for an emergency nanny when we both had to work for the weekend.

You've got to have back up options if you have children. That's true whether you are in a couple, single, SAHP, WOHP. Risking your job is one of the biggest things to avoid, assuming you are not independently wealthy and only work for fun.

Sorry you aren't feeling great. Can you put your eldest in childcare for this week... Perhaps holiday club attached to school will go too? Hopefully make friends.
Not cheap but will give you rest in day.

Raid the freezer for meals...

Just 1 day at a time

YABU I’m afraid, it’s what you sign up for having children with someone who works away a lot. I couldn’t personally do it.

Sorry you’re feeling shit OP.

Honestly? Unless you're really too unwell to care for the DC or yourself at a basic level as what seems to be (you've not made this clear) the only or main source of household income being his job you (as a family) really can't afford to put that job at risk.

How do you think we single parents manage? Also applies to many military families, I well remember having a horrific stomach flu the week after then h deployed to Middle East when dd was 6 months old and teething! We'd only been there about a month so hadn't had chance to build a "support network", just had to get on with it.

Make things as easy as you can for yourself. A bit extra screen time, convenience food (ready meals, sandwiches, "picnic" food - plenty of that in shops just now pork pies, ready made salads etc - get an online delivery), and letting non essential housework slide for a few days isn't the end of the world.

Prioritise what's essential - everybody fed nobody dead - catch up between you when he's home and you're better and you'll all be fine.

"when ill I've sometimes paid for a local teenager to come over and play with the kids for a few hours, and it being school holidays you should have plenty of students and young people with some free time" excellent idea - if you're lucky and get one like me or dd at that age they might even do some light housework like dishes, run a wash load...

It sucks but it's temporary.

My DP works away much like yours, dates are planned well in advance, hotels booked, delegates booked etc, no way could it be cancelled at short notice unless I was really seriously ill.
I do sympathise though.

I'm surprised any business trip would be arranged for this week and next when air fares will be at their highest (except for Christmas), or trains very crowded on long-distance routes. And several key clients will have people away.

I sympathise but do not see that something like that should be re-arranged, given you are able to be at home.

Unfortunately his employer would not allow him to take time off except in an emergency, it's not in this case. I think you need to get a back up childcare plan or simply use the electronic babysitter, it won't hurt them

Yea YABU

Your children are very young.and won't be forever.

I think he should consider a more family friendly job

Yes I wish that was possible x

I'm really sorry you feel so awful.
I thought you were going to say you wanted him to miss a day of work, and I was going to say that was probably unreasonable given the circumstances.
I know him going away feels so much worse but it really can't be cancelled, especially as this has happened before.
I do empathise with you though. I'm lucky enough to be healthy now but when I had very bad PND after my first pregnancy, I begged and begged my DH to stay home so often that he lost his job and we lived off our meagre savings for 5 months. Ironically I only got properly better once the money ran out, he found another job and I had no choice but to cope.
Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent as usual, but I do understand and am sending you lots of internet support.

I hate seeing threads like this. In Norway you get paid days (a certain number) in which to look after a sick child or to look after your child if your partner is sick. It's only here that people are so harsh with the whole 'suck it up' stuff. I would expect some help from dp if I were ragingly sick and the kids needed looking after and I don't think that's so unfair. Hope you feel better soon.