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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - swimming in the seas?

101 replies

Glitterfisher · 22/07/2019 11:47

We live near the sea, DS age 13.5 (Y8) wants to go to the beach with his friends today, they are all Y9s. I have said that's fine and he can go and chill etc with them but not to be swimming in the sea as there are no adults there. Obviously living near the sea all my life I am fully aware of the dangers of sea swimming and have seen a few fatal incidents over the years, all strong swimmers, mostly adults.

AIBU in saying this, he is now really upset and said it is unfair and ridiculous that he can't swim.

TIA

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/07/2019 12:40

If you are letting him go to the beach then realistically you have to accept he will be going in the water. This is why I said he needs to know how to be safe. We have a beach within easy reach of us where every year people get trapped in the mud or cars get stuck and the tide covers them. All my kids have been taught from a very young age about the dangers. If course they do sillier things with their mates than with adults but they are very aware of the danger and seen some of the rescues so were generally sensible around the water.

Pauuuuuuline · 22/07/2019 12:40

I live and grew up by the sea. I was swimming in it without parental supervision from about 11. However, I don't think YABU. I wouldn't be happy about it either and probably would say no to the same request from my own child. Putting aside how sensible, mature, aware of the risks, etc. your son may be, the sea can be very dangerous even for adults. Going in the sea but staying close to shore, fine. Swimming unsupervised with overexcited friends, I'd not be happy about.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 22/07/2019 12:42

'I'm at just as much risk as they are, but I still do it'

No, you're not, because the adolescent brain is known to tend towards risk taking behaviour especially while with friends.

It is very unusual for middle aged women to drown while wild swimming and far more common for boys and young men. Not because we are better swimmers but because we tend to approach it with more caution.

Personally at that age I would be saying lifeguarded area only.

IncandescentShadow · 22/07/2019 12:42

I'm an experienced open water swimmer and I'm very wary of where I swim. I don't know where you are but where I live today its very windy. For that reason alone I wouldn't actually swim in the sea, because although you might be able to get out into the calm part, coming back in with waves throwing you about can be a scary experience for even the most experienced swimmer. You have to know how to pick your sheltered spot in advance for coming back in. It depends on the slope of the shoreline and all sorts of things but basically if he didn't know the risks and wanted to show off in front of girls then it could be dangerous.

It depends on whether they can actually swim a bit in which case they are more likely to go further out and be more at risk or whether they are literally just going to paddle. I don't know how you could ban them either. Could you direct them to a local club that organises sea swims with supervision instead?

I have a friend who did triathlons who drowned in a river, experienced swimmers drown all the time. Never under-estimate the risks of the sea.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/07/2019 12:43

Ps where are all these lifeguards beaches?! I've only seen that in extremely busy touristy areas and even then sometimes the lifeguards section is tiny, I always assumed it was geared to young children and non swimmers.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/07/2019 12:44

He is a good swimmer, has swam in the sea loads and never got into trouble

he is really sensible so I do think he'll be ok

As long as he knows about rips / to swim parallel to the beach not out / to stay well in his depth etc it sounds like he will be fine. I'd be more worried if I thought they would be drinking?

orangeshoebox · 22/07/2019 12:44

yanbu to worry

but I think a good talk about the risks, no diving, what to do when (no swimming against current), where it's safe (where the lifeguards are)

AnnabelleBronstein · 22/07/2019 12:45

It's stupid to swim outside the flags (lifeguarded area) at any age on any beach. I grew up in a beachy country where this is drilled into you. So YANBU to say he can only swim if they go to the area that is patrolled.

FenellaMaxwell · 22/07/2019 12:47

We live by the sea. Only 4 weeks ago, 3 13 year old boys nearly drowned, dicking about in the sea here. My son is only a toddler, but when he’s bigger the rule will most definitely be swim between the flags or not at all!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/07/2019 12:48

But Annabelle not all beaches have patrols/flags? Or is this common in some areas?

Where I go on holiday (islands in the uk) there are no patrolled beaches at all. Not a single one.

forgivemeimnew · 22/07/2019 12:50

I don’t think YABU. I live by the sea and was brought up knowing that you have to respect it. I would just explain my reasoning to my child and that we will revisit when they are a bit older. I know they’ll think I’m being mean but they are just too precious to me.

escapade1234 · 22/07/2019 12:50

When I was his age my parents only allowed us to swim in the sea where we could stand. If you couldn’t stand, you were out too far and had to swim back. Also sideways swimming only.

escapade1234 · 22/07/2019 12:51

I mean left to right, not like a crab.

FrancisCrawford · 22/07/2019 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 22/07/2019 12:54

I guess I am usually more risk averse but then I do something stupid like going for a swim on my own at a deserted beach without telling anyone, and I wonder afterwards (or sometimes out at sea) what on earth I'm doing.

No more.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 22/07/2019 12:59

i would not let him

I have 2 teen boys (14 and 16) and all teens here swim in the river, there is one dangerous bit by a lock which they all love as you can jump in and get swept away until you arrive in the shallows a second or two later. Last year one boys decided it was more fun hanging a rope from the lock-bridge to hang onto. One kid's foot got tangled and he was stuck with his head under water. NONE of the teens knew what to do, they all stared on horror and some started pulling the rope. It took a dog walker to jump in the river and push the kid's head up, so he could breathe. They are almost adults, but just not quite there yet, and have no experience with emergencies (none of the 20 odd kids there had the common sense to realise the kid needed to breathe/be alive first, and untangled second.

everyone lets their kids go though. Every year at least one kid gets ambulanced out.

I have watched groups of teens there, and they all wind eachother up, get drunk or high, set eachother challenges, try and impress the other sex etc etc

teens this age can behave really really out of character and stupid. They are not mature yet, and need a lifeguard or sensible adult nearby. In my very old fashioned opinion.

it's an age for taking risks...

so I think your instincts are right. Annoying as it is for our teens.I give mine freedom, but with restrictions. Respect the sea, and only swim in lifeguarded areas

Ohyesiam · 22/07/2019 13:03

Go through all the safety stuff that he already knows, and emphasise no showing off or being macho.

It’s a tricky path to walk op.

LillithsFamiliar · 22/07/2019 13:03

If his friends are all going to be swimming, isn't it likely that he will too regardless of what you say?
I agree with you about it being dangerous but I don't know when you would make the transition to him being allowed. 14 seems arbitrary. I think you need to work out what makes the difference because then you might get him on board with it.Or introduce specific rules as PPs have suggested about depth, side swimming, etc.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/07/2019 13:03

To me the answer isn't to say they can't do it until adults, it's to say they need to learn how to do it safely. Adults who know how to react in a situation know this because they have learned/been taught how to stay safe. Your son won't suddenly learn when he turns 18/21/25. When I swam in the sea as a teenager I was a stronger swimmer than either parent and had done personal skills in swimming lessons. I'm not sure they would have been in a position to assist me, more the reverse.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/07/2019 13:06

The people I have seen acting most dangerously at beaches/in the sea are young guys between about 18-24. "Adults". You need to judge your son & whether you trust him to behave sensibly, regardless of his age.

BasilTheGreat · 22/07/2019 13:07

Does he know how to get away from a rip current?

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 22/07/2019 13:08

Oh dear, this is difficult but I would also tell him to only swim where the lifeguards are. They have them there, so it's not really an issue - just move down the beach a bit.

My 11-year old got swept out to sea in South Africa a few years ago. There were no lifeguards. By sheer luck we were in the sea the previous weekend and I talked him through what to do if it happens.

I was not there at the time, and wouldn't have allowed them to swim, but it is what it is.

He had to be rescued and spent a night in High Care in hospital, but was otherwise fine.

I will not want to go through that again.

taylorowmu · 22/07/2019 13:12

I live in a coastal town, no lifeguards. Mine have never been allowed to swim in the sea. It's just a no. If they got upset because 'all their friends were allowed' it was just tough shit. They never went near it, they both did a lot of hanging around the beach area but never went in the water. It was an absolute no from day one.

EleanorReally · 22/07/2019 13:15

mine have never been stopped from swimming in the sea.
since the age of about 12 or 13 they went off with their friends, occasionally to the sea,
i cannot see that you can say No to this

Original poster
Glitterfisher · 22/07/2019 13:16

So tricky, I guessed it wouldn't be a straight YANBU or YABU. Very divided as expected.

I will sit him down once he is back in a minute and discuss it with him. A compromise would be good as I would rather he respect what we are telling him rather than just thinking we are out of order with a blanket ban.

OP posts: