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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you tell someone their new BF had been charged with and prosecuted for a crime even though he was found not guilty? [trigger warning - sexual assault]

60 replies

Anewbooknotanewchapter · 21/07/2019 20:44

My DD was raped two years ago. Trial finished last month. Very strong case with compelling evidence. The prosecution were very confident. As with all rape trials it had to be proved beyond reasonable doubt and his lawyer went to town on my DD. He was quite stunning in his performance. Found not guilty as with most rape trials. I have had a thread on here before under a different user name. My family has been destroyed and we are trying to recover but it has been horrendous. He is carrying on living the good life but now has a new GF who posts a lot all over social media, holidays, parties, weekend's away, nights out. Her account is public. Meanwhile my DD is trying to pick up the pieces of her life after a truly horrific process. I am not sure if she knows. He started dating her just before the trial. He could easily keep it all hidden from her [outing here so cannot say why]

If you were her would you want to know? Would you tell her? AIBU to tell her that he was charged with and prosecuted in court for raping an 18 year old girl and pretty much destroyed my family? I will admit I am REALLY struggling right now with all of this and feel so much anger and rage that he gets to carry on as normal having a great fucking life. It is overwhelming. I know he was found NG but in the eyes of the law this does not mean he is innocent......... it means there was not enough evidence to convict.

Really struggling with this one.

OP posts:
iamruth · 21/07/2019 20:45

I would want to know and I would tell. I don’t know if that’s right or not but that’s my honest answer

usersouthcoast · 21/07/2019 20:48

I'm so sorry this has happened to your daughter, and I'm desperately sorry she didn't get the outcome deserved. However, think she's an incredible young woman for standing up and putting him to trial.

I understand why you want to tell this woman, and I'd want to know if I was her too. However, I'd be worried this could backfire onto your or your daughter. As he was found not guilty, he may then have a case against you for slander or harassment.

Your daughter has been to hell and back with this. I can't say for sure what I'd do if it were me, but I'd like to think I'd focus solely on my daughter and our family future than this monster and his new girlfriend.

I'm sorry - I hope you take my post as it's intended x

Original poster
Anewbooknotanewchapter · 21/07/2019 20:53

@usersouthcoast
Yeah....harassment came into my head. That said if would just be an email.... it would almost be worth the risk if he went whinging to the police.
The details of the court case, his name and the charges were in the public domain for anyone to see if they wished so it would be a case of just giving her this information.

But I get what you are saying.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 21/07/2019 20:53

I don't think that she'll thank you and you may well get more stress and aggro from him but I would but then again I'm the sort of hot headed idiot who would take out a full page add naming and shaming him

Doublevodka · 21/07/2019 20:55

Right or wrong, if somebody did that to my DD, I would want to tell the girlfriend. I can only imagine the range you must feel too. Could you let her know anonymously? Just to try and save further grief for your DD?

Adoptthisdogornot · 21/07/2019 20:55

I would find a discreet way to let her know, anonymously if possible. I'm sorry for what happened to your daughter, strength to you all xx

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2019 20:56

I can only imagine how you feeling emotionally, but you need to tread very, very carefully. There could be extremely severe legal ramifications for you and potentially your daughter of you confront this woman. Slander, harassment, defamation of character, just to name a few.

As seemingly impossible as it might be, you must think logically and not allow your anger and frustration to cloud your judgement. I'm sorry for everything your family is dealing with.

justgivemewine · 21/07/2019 20:57

Yes I would want to tell her, and would try to find a way.

The problem is even if she did believe you and she dumped him he would just move on to someone else.

It’s a shit situation all round, so sorry for you and dd.

Original poster
Anewbooknotanewchapter · 21/07/2019 20:57

No...I doubt she would thank me. I dont think I would care if he gave me aggro..... not fussed about stress as to add to the shit show my marriage ended two weeks ago so am currently existing in a living hell right now. A bit more probably wouldn't affect me. The only thing that is getting me through right now are my wonderful friends.

OP posts:
usersouthcoast · 21/07/2019 20:57

If you let her know something like that 'anonymously' the nasty prick will know it's you, and the police will prove that very quickly using an IP address.

I understand why you want to, but please don't. There will be another girlfriend after her, and another after that one.

HJWT · 21/07/2019 20:58

I 1000% understand why you would want to do this but ask yourself, are you going to 'stalk' him for the rest of your life and tell every GF he has what he did? It won't end with this one GF! Maybe block there accounts so you or DD don't see it and concentrate on helping DD re-build her life, I am so sorry for what happened to her and I hope that things get better for your family soon 💖

Plus I don't know what would happen if it continued, in the eyes of the law he was proven not guilty and you could end up getting done for harassment! As horrific as that sounds the UK is a shit place when it comes to the law 😟

Sunburntnoseandears · 21/07/2019 20:58

Can you send her a message saying please Google your bf?
My exils hired a PI on my new bf (convinced I had been cheating on their ds, I hadn't) They didn't tell me the findings but wow I so wish they had done.

Manclife1 · 21/07/2019 20:58

I think you need to move on as it’s doing nobody any good dwelling on it and stalking his new partner on social media.

NurseButtercup · 21/07/2019 20:59

I would want to know and I would thankyou for sending an email.

But where does this end for you? Are you going to tell every girlfriend that he starts a relationship with? You would definitely be charged with stalking/harrassment.

TheTrollFairy · 21/07/2019 21:00

I can understand why you want to and I honestly don’t know what I would do in your situation but as an outsider I would say leave it. Not because I don’t think she should know but it’s because I think there is a chance it could make things worse for your family and especially your DD. You don’t know this woman, what if she doesn’t believe you? How do you know she won’t start a hate campaign against your daughter for ‘all the lies’ she told about her BF?
Also, you don’t know that he hasn’t told her and that she has stuck by him and already believes his lies.

I would concentrate on healing with your family.
It must be incredibly hard when he is just getting on with his life as if nothing has happened

Original poster
Anewbooknotanewchapter · 21/07/2019 21:00

My DD would be happy for me to do it.... we've talked about it. I could do it anonymously..... it has affected so many people it could be anyone of quite a few so he may not be able to pin it on me.... although if questioned about it by police I would own it.

OP posts:
Justme1234567 · 21/07/2019 21:02

I think you should tell her, my ex raped me and I later found out he raped his ex before me, I would of liked to be told xxx

NCforthis2019 · 21/07/2019 21:03

Do it. I would want to know. Then at least your conscience is clear.

Original poster
Anewbooknotanewchapter · 21/07/2019 21:03

He is not a UK citizen and is due to leave here in the next 6 months or so.

Lots of good points made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anewbooknotanewchapter · 21/07/2019 21:05

I think you need to move on

Yes I know. I am trying. If only it was that simple. The trial only finished last month. This has been my life for over 2 years.

OP posts:
TwistyTop · 21/07/2019 21:06

Don't do it. It will come back on you so badly. I know you're angry and it's such a shitty situation, but in the eyes of the law he is innocent and it will be very easy to prove it was you that did it. The girlfriend probably won't even believe you anyway.

So sorry this has happened OP. What an awful situation Flowers

Original poster
Anewbooknotanewchapter · 21/07/2019 21:12

Oh bloody hell.... this is hard.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 21/07/2019 21:13

Hi OP

My initial reaction was to tell her but having thought about it I dont think I would.

I dont think you could get done for slander or anything as it's a fact in the public domain and as far as I know slander and defamation doesnt apply if you stick to the facts.

But I'm just not sure what you would want to achieve. It wont affect how he treats her - hes been shown the law is ineffective in these situations and I doubt he will care. It may piss him off which I guess you dont care about but you dont know how that will manifest itself. Unless they have no mutual friends or she is from somewhere else entirely then it's likely she already knows.

I think the most likely scenario is she will ask him about it, he will 'break down' to her and and cry about how he couldn't bring it up because the 'false accusations' made him so depressed. And unless she had doubts anyway, she will probably believe him over someone she doesn't know. And it will lead to one or both of them possibly trying to get back at your daughter in some way, social media or rumours etc. or pursuing something privately for false accusations or something.

I'm sorry. If it helps, I believe your daughter.

I can totally see why, emotionally and morally you think this is the right thing to do, but practically I just dont think it will have the effect you want it to

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2019 21:15

I would also be very concerned about retribution against your daughter. If he's a rapist, who knows what else he is capable of.

AllFourOfThem · 21/07/2019 21:19

I’m really sorry for what your family has been through.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she has googled him herself already. I think lots of people do now when starting new relationships.