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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of snide comments about the "rat race"

65 replies

EnglishBreakfastPlease · 21/07/2019 18:51

I am in my late 20s and I have a very dull job which I chose to go in to because the career pays well long-term. It can be stressful but I generally get on fine as long as I plan well and keep on top of things. There are of course occasional curveballs but that's to be expected.

DP and I chose to live in London for career progression, we want to ensure that we have enough money to retire as early as possible and pay off the mortgage as early as possible. We are TTC although no one knows this as both of us are quite private.

Whenever we go up to visit family and old friends there is always at least one person who makes gleeful digs/reference to how much I must be suffering to be trapped in "the rat race", how happy they are to have children and how their kids mean the world to them and they would never put them above "some job", how I must be mental to do the commute that I do...

I dread going now, and there's something about the phrase that gets under my skin, even if I'm not particularly stressed about work. If I mention a stressful time period at work, e.g. year-end, then I get stupid comments about that being the price of being in the rat race and that's what I signed up for. But mostly I'm fine, I don't feel in any race and if I say as much then I'm just being "defensive"

We've just come back from another weekend which was supposed to be chilled, fun, nice family BBQ, but instead I have come back feeling totally fed up, quite attacked and aggravated. I wish they would shut up and stop attacking me for prioritising different things in life.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 21/07/2019 18:54

Can't you just be Ms Smuggerson and say 'oh well I'm hoping to retire at 50/pay my mortgage off by 45' ?

mbosnz · 21/07/2019 18:55

How about turning around and saying 'people who are genuinely happy with their lives generally don't have to bang on about it quite so much, and don't have to attack others who live theirs differently. So, what's the real issues, hun? Oh strike that, I really don't give a damn, because I am genuinely happy and content in my life'. . . and then stroll off.

nethunsreject · 21/07/2019 18:55

Just shrug and say you're happy with your life. It's not up for discussion.

BogglesGoggles · 21/07/2019 18:57

Just shrug your shoulders and say you’re happy/couldn’t imagine being poor/everybody with any intellect does it etc.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 21/07/2019 18:57

Every time they mention the rat race remind them that this is what is going to allow you to be mortgage free and retire at whatever age you have planned for.

OhTheRoses · 21/07/2019 18:57

Oh, I remember those sorts of comments only too well. Ignore.
We ignored. Stayed in London, DH carried on working in his capitalist/rat race bastardy chosen profession. Had DC and then they commented about me deciding to be a sahm and how could I be so dependent on DH after years of independence. Then they made snide comments about the DC going to private school and life being all work and no play and how we'd pay for it in the end.

Well you know what, DC are both Oxbridge, I went back to work eventually, we have made more money then any of them would know what to do with, have come a pretty long way in the race, have everything we want and more and aren't even 60 yet.

And before long the comments about "oh you are so lucky, you don't know how lucky you are" will start. Ignore and rise above - they are narrow minded arseholes who can't bear the thought of anyone doing things differently to them. In 10 years half of them may be laughing on the other sides of their faces anyway.

31RueCambon · 21/07/2019 19:00

I like to say ''I really value the security''.

Which I do. I value the security, I value a regular pay check, I value the routine. I actually work well with a routine. It suits me. I like the balance of working all week and then relaxing on two specific days. It works for me. A lot of people say ''I'd hate to work 9 to five'' but I reply ''would you prefer shift work?'' because tbh the statement ''I'd hate to work 9 to 5'' seems so ill-thought out!

And liking routine and security doesn't make one ''boring''. I feel like a weight of worry lifted off me and I become more creative and imaginative. When I've had so called creative jobs that offered no security, the worry shut down my creative side.

Actionhasmagic · 21/07/2019 19:03

That sound sooooo draining. I agree with the other posters and just stand your ground. It’s your choice and you are happy and super successful.

Parsnippy · 21/07/2019 19:05

You are only in your 20s so you haven't chosen anything yet. You could stay working long hours, commuting and earning lots. You could end up working part time or not at all with children. You could emigrate. You happen to be working hard in your 20s like a lot of people do.
It's a bit premature for anybody to assume you are always going to be career driven and another leap to think they equates to choosing not to have children. Don't worry about it.

MoveOnTheCards · 21/07/2019 19:13

Yeah. We got this too in our twenties. Now though we’ve paid off the mortgage in our (very) early 40s and have the resources to send our DC to private school and enjoy our down time with trips, travels, to experiences. They’ve shut up about it now, funnily enough.

Original poster

EnglishBreakfastPlease · 21/07/2019 19:22

LaurieFairyCake

Can't you just be Ms Smuggerson and say 'oh well I'm hoping to retire at 50/pay my mortgage off by 45'?

Ooooooh I cannot tell you how tempted I am to do this. They already think I'm posh/a stuck up bitch, so not sure if this would be adding fuel to the fire

I try to avoid talking about money as that invites comments as well - "oooh I could never waste so much money on clothes," etc

But my coat is in its 4th winter and still going strong...

OP posts:

Hithere12 · 21/07/2019 19:24

Tell them you’d love to leave the rat race if they’d be happy to pay your mortgage! Honestly do they expect you to live on thin air.

OhTheRoses · 21/07/2019 19:40

Oh this riling me on ypur behalf op. I recall just before my wedding artist sil, asked if I was sure about marrying her brother as he was a capitalist bastard. Oh and working in an office must be soooo boring and she just couldn't have done it. MIL in parallel never stopped talking about how clever she was "so few people get A'levels in maths AND art.

Fast forward nearly 30 years and she lives in the arse end of nowhere, the hippy she married smokes weed on the back porch, the teenagers are feral and she works in a shop. All I hear is how skint she is but how she made a lifestyle choice to be creative.

Thank God for MNet because if I couldn't rant here I'd have told MIL years ago she was a lazy cow who frankly just could never be bovvered and has hidden behind lifesfyle choices for years. They are arts answer to Daisy and Onslow and he wears a vest as well. Wore a bloody vest to his ds1 high school graduation.

whispers

EssentialHummus · 21/07/2019 19:42

They sound simply jealous to me. I don’t like the phrase but “You do you”.

OhTheRoses · 21/07/2019 19:43

Oh and I by the way am very extravagant too . There is nothing glamorpus about being skint op as yours will find out in due course. It's very pleasing to have your own bobs to spend as you please.

VenusClapTrap · 21/07/2019 19:45

Ignore. Tinkly little laugh. Smile and nod and change the subject. People like this are SO tedious! I think it mostly comes from insecurity or jealousy or something.

Passwordz · 21/07/2019 19:53

You sound very determined op and I admire that. You go for it. Sod the rest of them.

Tell them you actually like the rat race.

I used to commute and used to get fed up with people talking about “boring commuters where no one says a word on the train and everyone looks miserable going off to dull office jobs”. Used to really offend me and I put it down to reverse snobbery. The commute was a necessary evil so I used the time to read, sleep, do my online shopping, catch up with admin, brush up language skills etc etc etc. and

I’ve always enjoyed my office job, interesting, stimulating work with great colleagues. No I wasn’t setting up a cake or craft business or volunteering at school but my financial position is strong and I now (late 30s) have created good opportunities for myself, my family and our future.

The rat race has worked out ok for me tbh and with your determination, sounds like it will for you too op.

Teacakeandalatte · 21/07/2019 19:57

I'd say something about possibly starting a family some time in the future once your finances are secure. If it's something you want no need to keep it a closely guarded secret that this is a future plan for you.

blue25 · 21/07/2019 20:06

It's inverse snobbery. We moved to London for good jobs and are doing well.

When we go back up to Manchester to see family, we get all sorts of snide and nasty remarks, including "I dont know who you think you are-moving to London" and "you're not really part of the family now, living down there."

It's tedious and makes me feel quite sad about my family.

Original poster

EnglishBreakfastPlease · 21/07/2019 20:12

31RueCambon

I like to say ''I really value the security''.

That's a great response, and it's true, that is what we are motivated by. Maybe I will adopt this!

MoveOnTheCards

Ha ha funny how that happens! I do hope mine will shut up eventually too.

OhTheRoses

Absolutely dying at Daisy and Onslow

DP grew up poor and is absolutely determined to save etc so we are on the same page. He likes to spend his own bob, but agonises over purchases for MONTHS.

I'm not even extravagant! The offending articles were from Joules, Hobbs and Bronx for god's sake. It's not like I actually went and bought the Chanel bag that keeps looking at me... although my birthday is coming up

VenusClapTrap

Ignore. Tinkly little laugh. Smile and nod and change the subject. People like this are SO tedious!

This is what I have been doing - very tedious indeed.

Passwordz

You sound very determined op and I admire that. You go for it. Sod the rest of them.

Thank you glad to see it has worked out for you! FX for me.

I used to commute and used to get fed up with people talking about “boring commuters where no one says a word on the train and everyone looks miserable going off to dull office jobs”.

God YES, I get this also, although it annoys me a lot less than 'rat race' type comments. I used to try to explain that it was more polite to let people get on with their day and not force them into conversation on a crowded train, but they didn't get it and I gave up!

OP posts:

Original poster

EnglishBreakfastPlease · 21/07/2019 20:16

Teacakeandalatte

Well, other comments we are along the lines of get a move on to give your mum grandchildren, hurry up and get married, you need to pump some kids out of him while he's still young enough/has the energy

OP posts:

Widgetsframe · 21/07/2019 20:24

My Dad recently sneered on the cost of a drink in London/down south and was openly very critical of me living here, I just responded with that we were happy with our high paying jobs and the benefits we get. I also get posh comments but I don’t give a shite and have never regretted moving.

You should be the same. Best wishes to you and good luck with TTC!

NoSauce · 21/07/2019 20:27

They sound smug and even a little envious of your lifestyle. Truly happy people don’t need to make sly digs at others.

OhTheRoses · 21/07/2019 20:30

ha ha op - my MIL has told me I'm extravagant for buying a pair of cotton Boden trousers and because I have my own car! The day DH told her I was having my hair done and that it cost £140, she nearly choked. She asks the price of everything btw which is almost more annoying than the rat race. After 30 years I pay her absolutely no attention anymore and simply say "well I spend my money on myself, so you don't have to worry about me spending dh's".

DarklyDreamingDexter · 21/07/2019 20:38

They do sound jealous. They obviously think you're living the high life in London and feel the need to get digs in as they feel inferior in some way. I'd probably wind them up by really playing up the 'high life' stuff, e.g. work hard, play hard, eating at fancy restaurants, going to top shows, shopping in Harrods, or whatever it is they think you're doing with your 'rat race' money, which is what it's really all about. (Even if your idea of a good night is pizza in front of the telly and you shop at Primark, don't tell them that!) I second the idea of saying you're working to pay off your mortgage and retire at 50. Let them chew on that, jealous sods.

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