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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband old before his time

65 replies

Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 16:43

Hi, aibu to get annoyed and feel sad that my husband is old before his time?
We are both early 30s and we got together when we were 18. He was a completely different person back then, whereas I feel I'm the same.
I know people change and I love him to bits, I accept him for who he is and if it was just us there'd be no issue because I just get on with things. But we have 2 young children. They want to play and have fun and he just can't do it. He doesn't seem to feel emotions like i do, he doesn't crack a smile if the kids do something funny or cute. His mind is always elsewhere. He sees no joy in anything. Can't lark about, have a good belly laugh at something, dance around with the kids etc. And because of this I overcompensate and try to do all the fun stuff with them. He just stays on the edge.
We have talked about it and he acknowledges it himself. He took us to disneyworld florida last year, a wonderful thing to do for his family. We chatted about how he would be before we went and he promised that he would at least try to appear that he's enjoying himself. I spent the time constantly looking at his face knowing he wanted to be anywhere but there.
I ask him if if everything's OK, and he assures me he loves us, adores us, couldn't imagine not being with us but he just can't seem to show it. I feel sad for my kids that they don't have a fun dad. Any advice or people in the same situation?

OP posts:
IdaBWells · 21/07/2019 16:45

What is his background? Sometimes people can be very stoic when they have experienced trauma, especially as a child.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2019 16:47

Could he be suffering from depression? Is he overweight and out of shape? Have you thought to have his hormone and blood levels checked?

MissConductUS · 21/07/2019 16:51

Agree with the possibility of depression or low testosterone. My DH had low testosterone in his mid 40's and was depressed, low libido, etc. 48 hours after starting replacement therapy he was back to his old self.

Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 16:51

He is overweight yes. But he hasnt always been, but he's been the same way for a long time.
He has a lovely family, but they weren't very involved parents. Hes almost replaying the same thing out with his own children even though he knows how it made him feel

OP posts:
Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 16:52

The low testosterone could be a thing but there's no way he would go the doctors about it.

OP posts:
speakout · 21/07/2019 16:52

He sounds stressed or depressed tbh. He is very young to be "old" whatever that means.

he promised that he would at least try to appear that he's enjoying himself please don't ask him to fake it- kids can see right through that.

What does he enjoy doing?

Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 16:56

He doesnt enjoy doing anything apart from woodwork, he likes to make things.
He shows the kids love, he cuddles them, asks them about their day etc, he just can't be silly with them.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 21/07/2019 17:03

It’s interesting you say, he does nt feel emotions like I do. I suspect this is the crux of it, he is n’t you. If he does nt want to lark about, that’s ok. and you do nt need to over compensate. I doubt your children expect both of you to clown around. You say you kept looking at his face looking knowing he wanted to be anywhere else, you do nt know that. He said he can’t imagine being without you, why do nt you believe him .

RockyRolly · 21/07/2019 17:10

@NorthernParent68 Not. Sorry had to!

MissConductUS · 21/07/2019 17:11

The low testosterone could be a thing but there's no way he would go the doctors about it.

I'm a nurse and this drives me batty. Men commonly have a bone in their head that somehow convinces them that if they don't go to the doctor they can't be sick. Then when they finally limp in they're beyond help.

Low testosterone puts him at greater risk of cardiovascular disease, in addition to turning him into a grumpy old man before his time.

Hypogonadism as a risk factor for cardiovascular mortality in men: a meta-analytic study

Make sure he has adequate life insurance in place.

Northernparent68 · 21/07/2019 17:16

It sounds like he’s a really good father, so why is it important for him to be silly ? No one I knew as a child had silly parents, and I would have hated it my parents had acted the clown.

It’s really quite a leap to diagnose depression or low testosterone from a refusal to muck around.

Northernparent68 · 21/07/2019 17:19

@rockypolly, what do you mean ?

Lazypuppy · 21/07/2019 17:23

Why does he need to be 'silly' with them?

swingofthings · 21/07/2019 17:29

You make me feel self conscious now! I've never been a mum enjoying being silly with my kids, I've alway been more a mum giving them knowledge, a sense of security, who made them feel good about themelseves. It didn't mean I didn't enjoy time with them, I'm just not a kid at heart and rather have conversations with them then acting silly together. We all come in different shape, it sounds like your kids might have the benefit of different parents.

Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 17:29

Sorry guys, I dont mean to make light of the situation. It is of course much more than not being able to be silly.
Do you know of the character Victor Meldrew? That's what he's like. Miserabke, never cracks a smile, doesn't laugh jokes or anything really, quite controlling as in its his way or no way. He's a very negative presence to be around

OP posts:
Tallgreenbottle · 21/07/2019 17:30

"he loves us, adores us, couldn't imagine not being with us but he just can't seem to show it"

That's bollocks, sorry. Either he doesn't realise it yet or he has but is being stoic, but he is not happy at all OP. Maybe he imagined a totally different life and he just got swept along for the ride in this one.

Tallgreenbottle · 21/07/2019 17:31

The controlling aspect of it also indicates that ^ OP. He isn't happy at all.

Apolloanddaphne · 21/07/2019 17:31

My DH was never really silly with our DDs. I was the fun madcap parent. He was quiet and gentle and there for us all but could be a bit serious at times. That said we did have some hilarious moments when he let his guard down. He is still much the same now our DDs are older. That's just how some people are. I can actually see that DD2 has much the same personality and she is only 21.

Graphista · 21/07/2019 17:38

With what you describe in op and the weight I'm thinking more possible thyroid issues. Does he lack energy too?

Which is not to say it couldn't be low testosterone or depression or something else.

Maybe it is "just who he is" but I think op is saying she's noticed a change.

Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 17:38

It's just makes me sad because this isn't the man I know. We have been together 17 years and he's been this way about 5 years. Before that he was happy and easy going

OP posts:
breakfastpizza · 21/07/2019 17:40

He sounds depressed. Does he get joy out of anything?

HavelockVetinari · 21/07/2019 17:45

He's depressed. Not being able to feel/show joy is a classic sign.

I know you say he'd never go to the GP, but if it was that or losing you would he go?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 17:49

I am really not sure about this. He interacts with the children , he talks to them, cuddles them and shows them love but isn't silly with them? That isn't a bad thing. Then you say he is controlling it's his way or not at all yet he is happy to take you all to Florida even though according to you he would rather have been anywhere else. So not his way or not at all?

Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 17:59

@sweeneytoddsrazor that's one thing he's done in 17 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 18:01

@sweeneytoddsrazor and he also told me when we booked it that he was hoping to enjoy it. He wanted to enjoy it. But it seems impossible for him to enjoy anything and I don't think that's normal

OP posts: