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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband old before his time

65 replies

Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 16:43

Hi, aibu to get annoyed and feel sad that my husband is old before his time?
We are both early 30s and we got together when we were 18. He was a completely different person back then, whereas I feel I'm the same.
I know people change and I love him to bits, I accept him for who he is and if it was just us there'd be no issue because I just get on with things. But we have 2 young children. They want to play and have fun and he just can't do it. He doesn't seem to feel emotions like i do, he doesn't crack a smile if the kids do something funny or cute. His mind is always elsewhere. He sees no joy in anything. Can't lark about, have a good belly laugh at something, dance around with the kids etc. And because of this I overcompensate and try to do all the fun stuff with them. He just stays on the edge.
We have talked about it and he acknowledges it himself. He took us to disneyworld florida last year, a wonderful thing to do for his family. We chatted about how he would be before we went and he promised that he would at least try to appear that he's enjoying himself. I spent the time constantly looking at his face knowing he wanted to be anywhere but there.
I ask him if if everything's OK, and he assures me he loves us, adores us, couldn't imagine not being with us but he just can't seem to show it. I feel sad for my kids that they don't have a fun dad. Any advice or people in the same situation?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 21/07/2019 18:04

Depressed, I’m just echoing everyone else.

ysmaem · 21/07/2019 18:09

He sounds like he doesn't find any joy and happiness in life even though he sounds like he's surrounded by it. Almost like he's numb to everything. It sounds like depression to me and I would definitely try and help him to seek some support.

RottnestFerry · 21/07/2019 18:17

I'm wondering why the OP thinks her husband is old before his time.
You can be a miserable bastard at any age.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 18:23

Does he take the children to the park, swimming, kick a ball about play board games?

Graphista · 21/07/2019 18:34

As MissConductUS AND I and maybe others too know though, sometimes depression is a symptom of something else. Sometimes it can be a symptom of something seriously physically wrong.

That's why it's IMPORTANT he goes to the dr.

Men not going to the dr is a pita! Burying their heads in the sand is pointless, and could even be seriously detrimental to his health, even fatally so.

You know your dh op so you'll know how best to persuade him, but I would definitely urge you to do so.

At the very least if it is "only" low level depression then surely he wants to be happier?

I suffer with serious mental illness and am desperate not to feel like this it's horrible. Nobody deserves to live unhappily if there's no need.

Jupiter13 · 21/07/2019 18:39

Sorry to hear your husband is boring....at least one of you is young at heart..good luck.

topcat2014 · 21/07/2019 18:46

I am 47 and not sure I am any good at larking about like a prat either. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy being with the kids though. I wouldn't want to be thought depressed because of it.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 21/07/2019 18:53

I wouldn’t enjoy disneyland either. Not everyone enjoys theme parks and it doesn’t mean they are old before their time or miserable.

You say he is a good dad in other ways so as long as your kids know they are loved and looked after I don’t see the problem.

Chamomileteaplease · 21/07/2019 18:55

Is there anything he does, either alone, with you or with the kids that does make him smile or laugh?

supersop60 · 21/07/2019 19:02

You say he was like this until 5 years ago? How old are the DCs? Is he finding fatherhood difficult?
As others, my first thought was depression or low thyroid.

LadyRannaldini · 21/07/2019 19:08

It sounds like he’s a really good father, so why is it important for him to be silly ? No one I knew as a child had silly parents, and I would have hated it my parents had acted the clown

So true, people have different personalities, some are more out-going than others. I think we're too quick to try and apply a label to people whose only 'problem' is that they're not the same as us!

Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 19:20

It's mainly since we've had children. It started when my eldest was a toddler and he had to do more with them i suppose.
He tells me outright that he doesn't like doing any kids stuff. Which is fine, not everyone does. But he doesn't like doing anything else either. Socialising, trips out to different places, holidays, meals, spending time with friends. He'd never see or contact any of his family members if i didn't force him. He never seems mine

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 21/07/2019 19:25

''I spent the time constantly looking at his face knowing he wanted to be anywhere but there.''
This sounds so miserable! For YOU I mean. But you manage to staple on a smile. He gets to just sink in to misery while you carry the emotional load for his self indulgent detachment from family and your anxiety over that.

You'd be better off a single parent I can assure you that.

Alleycat1 · 21/07/2019 19:26

What happened 5 years ago that could have led to this lac k of joy in him, op?

daisypond · 21/07/2019 19:31

Yes, what happened five years ago? What’s his work situation like? Does he have any financial worries? Is he keeping stuff from you so as not to worry you?

Tallgreenbottle · 21/07/2019 19:31

Op is it entirely possible he's just miserable being married and being a parent? Not everyone is happy about it when they realise the long hard slog of it all sometimes. Maybe he is just genuinely unhappy in your marriage and you haven't realised, or he doesn't want to leave yet. It sounds horrible, and harsh, but happy people don't act like him and you can't change what's making him unhappy.

You can either live with a miserable git or you can get a divorce and maybe both of you can be happy that way.

Loveislandaddict · 21/07/2019 19:33

I see my friends goofing about with their kids, posting amusing on Facebook etc, and I feel envious. I’m more of a stiff-upper-lip type of person. I wish I could be fun-loving and a Disney parent, but I can’t.

Maybe he isn’t a goofy type of parent.

Also, you may find when the dc are older, he will interact more, and is not just good with the toddler stage.

narkedoff · 21/07/2019 19:36

I believe we're married to the same man op.

I am struggling with a man who sees no joy in anything except his work or a takeaway. He never initiates a trip out anywhere, I have arranged every day out or holiday. If I ask him to think of something he wants to do there's just nothing. No interests.

Says he loves us, does everything for us. But when home just sits there on the couch. Shows no interest in me or kids. I told him he is a thief of joy as trying to include him just spoils things for everyone else.

People often ask me if he is ok because he has a face that screams he's unhappy. If he's not happy nobody is because it seeps into everyone's mood.

I have no help for you op, just sympathy that fatherhood has not brought any joy to your partner either.

We have started leaving him out of family plans. This suits him, and us. It may become permanent.

Original poster
Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 19:36

is it entirely possible he's just miserable being married and being a parent? Not everyone is happy about it when they realise the long hard slog of it all sometimes. Maybe he is just genuinely unhappy in your marriage and you haven't realised, or he doesn't want to leave yet. It sounds horrible, and harsh, but happy people don't act like him and you can't change what's making him unhappy.

Ive thought this myself so Ive spoken to him many times about it. I've explained that I don't ever want him to feel he has to stay with us, I will set him free. But he doesn't. He says there's nothing wrong. Its all in my head. But other people notice it to. My best friend has never really liked him because he comes across as stand offish with her. But he never used to be this way

OP posts:
Vulpine · 21/07/2019 19:41

A guy who doesn't get involved with his kids is not my idea of a good father

Mumtolittletorchers · 21/07/2019 19:45

Does he have any friends? Does he socialise or do anything outside of the home. Does he exercise? If not he sounds like he's depressed. Doc appointment is more than likely needed

autopilotmomma · 21/07/2019 20:24

@Loudlady34 I have been in your shoes. The fun guy I started dating at 17 changed completely after children and marriage. There was no fun, no excitement, no involvement. I begged and pleaded for years...if there was something wrong please tell me, if he was sick of the life we had to tell me, to see a doctor etc etc He wouldn't change or make any effort or do anything about it despite being adamant we were what he wanted. I left him. I couldn't take it anymore and I wasn't happy with him not making the effort for the kids. I think you're at the point where YOU need to make a decision- put up with it or do something about it.

Gncq · 21/07/2019 20:44

He's not "old before his time"
He's quite likely depressed, or just has miserable bore personality. It must be very hard dealing with that.

Chillichutney1 · 21/07/2019 20:50

OP maybe he’s just an introvert/needs down time and isn’t getting that with the constant needs of children. My DH is like this and he was miserable the first year of our oldest dc and still gets a face on him when the kids don’t go to bed on time!

Does he get enough time to recharge or be by himself?

Juststopit · 21/07/2019 21:01

My ex was like this. Kids christened him ‘ the fun sponge’ as they got older. Turns out he was thousands in debt and hid it! He’s also incredibly boring, like his parents are.

We’re having so much more fun without him GrinGrin