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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband old before his time

65 replies

Loudlady34 · 21/07/2019 16:43

Hi, aibu to get annoyed and feel sad that my husband is old before his time?
We are both early 30s and we got together when we were 18. He was a completely different person back then, whereas I feel I'm the same.
I know people change and I love him to bits, I accept him for who he is and if it was just us there'd be no issue because I just get on with things. But we have 2 young children. They want to play and have fun and he just can't do it. He doesn't seem to feel emotions like i do, he doesn't crack a smile if the kids do something funny or cute. His mind is always elsewhere. He sees no joy in anything. Can't lark about, have a good belly laugh at something, dance around with the kids etc. And because of this I overcompensate and try to do all the fun stuff with them. He just stays on the edge.
We have talked about it and he acknowledges it himself. He took us to disneyworld florida last year, a wonderful thing to do for his family. We chatted about how he would be before we went and he promised that he would at least try to appear that he's enjoying himself. I spent the time constantly looking at his face knowing he wanted to be anywhere but there.
I ask him if if everything's OK, and he assures me he loves us, adores us, couldn't imagine not being with us but he just can't seem to show it. I feel sad for my kids that they don't have a fun dad. Any advice or people in the same situation?

OP posts:

LunaDeet · 21/07/2019 21:06

I have a lot of these traits and I’m an introvert. I think he needs some proper designated time to himself, so that when he comes to join the family he has to engage. He might be feeling really overwhelmed, especially with young children.

Jupiter13 · 21/07/2019 21:06

I love larking around..😂..there's alot of boring people on this thread..😂

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/07/2019 21:17

I've got one of these. I have no problem with him being introverted and not wanting friends or to go out or do anything, but it's the fact that he deliberately adopted a dog that can't ever be left alone to prevent him from being expected to do anything spontaneous (without elaborate arrangements being made for said dog - so he can still tag along with me whenever I arrrange trips somewhere) that really gets me.

Oh, and we can never go to anywhere we've never been before because (and I quote) 'the dog might not like it'.

Miserable bastard.

Original poster

Loudlady34 · 22/07/2019 08:10

I've heard before that a lot of men get miserable as they age. I wonder why that is? Every older man I know apart from my fil is miserable and argumentative. My dad sees no joy in anything either.
Its very tough to be around. And it's a difficult dilemma because he's not the man I used to know and love, but I do still love him because of 17 years of history. I wouldn't want to leave him just because he's miserable but then I look at it from my kids point of view and feel sorry for them having to be around it all the time. They say often that everything is fine, happy and relaxed until he comes through the door after work then the atmosphere changes and the fun is gone

OP posts:

Atalune · 22/07/2019 08:15

What a horrible existence.

Leave.

supersop60 · 22/07/2019 11:48

I've just read your latest update. I'm sad for your children.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/07/2019 12:02

OP did he want to have children? Like really want them?

Graphista · 22/07/2019 16:54

That's unfair on the children. I've grown up in a situation like that and it has long term consequences too.

Enough's enough. Either he fully and with good grace participates in family life, leaves if he doesn't want to or goes to the drs if there's a possible medical cause, or else you decide for yourself and your DC that he needs to go!

Madlove · 22/07/2019 17:36

My exh was like this, so miserable and unengaged with family life. It wasn’t fair on the children. The first night after he left, I got a takeaway with the dc and we were all relaxed and one of them said, mum why are you smiling? That made me sad but If he had been there he would have made an atmosphere and taken the shine off any enjoyment.

Btw he came back a year later wanting to make an effort, saying we were everything he ever wanted. It was too late for me but I believe he still regrets not appreciating what he had at the time.

I would definitely question your future with him.

myself2020 · 22/07/2019 17:57

How much does he work? how much of the financial responsibility for the family does he have? it is incredibly stressful to be the main/only breadwinner....

Original poster

Loudlady34 · 22/07/2019 18:48

He has full financial responsibility. Everything I have pointed out points to depression. That's why I tend to leave him be or we talk about it in an amicable way because I don't want to bag him or be harsh on him. But I need to think about my children too

OP posts:

daisypond · 22/07/2019 18:59

Having sole financial responsibility can be stressful and depressing. The whole family is depending on him. Does he not like his job? Is he worried about money? Does he work long hours? The daily grind at work can be very difficult to bear at times.

MissConductUS · 22/07/2019 19:12

Everything I have pointed out points to depression

Then he needs to be assessed for it and treated if that's the diagnosis.

thetimekeeper · 22/07/2019 20:13

He's always been standoffish with your best friend? In what way?

How is he controlling with his misery? What do you mean?

Pp are right that the environment you describe for your children is damaging.

myself2020 · 23/07/2019 05:49

@Loudlady34 that was me 2 years ago. having sole financial responsibility is incredibly hard.
my husband works now, and things are much better

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