MIL takes DD out of my arms

[YellowsAndPinks]

Yesterday MIL just took DD 6 months out of my arms without asking. I really hate it but it happened before I had time to do or say anything. I need things to say for if she tries to do it again without looking like I'm causing a scene. How would you react in this situation? If she asked to hold her that's obviously fine it's her just taking her that has given me the rage I'm still furious today.

I disagree. Either granny can hold my baby whenever they like if baby is happy to go. Both are close family. Both love the baby. Both dont need permission to hold him/her. If I wanted them back I would take them and that wouldnt be an issue either.
It's a gran wanting to be close to a grandchild. There is no stamping over boundaries. She probably doesn't realise she is ment to ask. If she puts her arms out for the baby and the baby goes it's just a beautiful moment of a gran wanting her grandchild. Dont know why people see it as something negative or disrespectful. Let the gran hold the baby (you will be the gran one day) and dont make it about control and having to ask and wait to be told u can. She is happy to see her and cant keep her hands off her. Dont get in the way of that. It would be a lot sadder if she didnt want to hold her. If u want her back take her back.

i agree it's not a mil problem necessarily. I'd have been the same if my dm had done it, but she never would have done.
You don't just go in and take over.
In fact, I recently told mine not to worry when I was baby sitting and that I remembered what to do with a baby. This was because never once in the last 10 months have I taken dgd without asking, nor taken it upon myself to make decisions about her care, when I'm there.
I'll do anything to help, but you just don't take over.

She took her so quickly you couldn't do anything, really? Your child you are free to do as you please in regards to 'letting' (I hate that terms, it sounds like the baby is a possession rather than a person) who you are comfortable with holding them. But if you never give her the chance it seems a bit unfair, unless you have concerns about babies safety with her; can you not talk to her like an adult?

And explain that she is not to take her out of your arms, but needs to ask.

It’s not disrespectful in itself if it doesn’t bother you. But the OP said she was upset by it at the time and continued to be. I think telling people they should ignore their feelings isn’t terribly helpful.

Not disagreeing with you thehandsofneilbuchanan. My reply was to the poster before u. Didnt see yours til I had posted. .

She wanted a cuddle with her GD and probably thought she was doing you a favour too by taking her off your hands for a bit. Don't be so selfish with your child and be happy she has family that love her.

Why would you not want your mil to hold your child ? I find this whole “ it’s my baby “ “ you can visit when you’re invited “ malarkey very strange . Is it an English phenomenon that your mil can’t love her son’s child and want to spend time with them . Wise up !

I agree with Halo 1234 /Aprilly girl. MIL is just being a granny!.She obviously loves GC and wants to hold her.You can have a break with a cuppa ,cold drink S/W or whatever.When your turn comes and you are a Nan you will probably be the same TBH!

Only on MN could a grandmother give their DIL 'the rage' and need permission to hold their grandchild and other posters suggest harsh words and (lighthearted I hope) violence..

I do think it’s an English thing . In Ireland -north or south you’d be told to wise up ! But then in Ireland kids tend to live at home past puberty and still see their families even if some of them are a pain in the ass at times . Perhaps we just have higher levels of tolerance ? 🤷‍♀️

How is it done? Smiling, holding her arms out saying “come to granny!” or MIL abruptly grabbing the baby without any word or expression?

And I guess how your relationship with in general makes a difference.

Start being assertive now, otherwise in years to come she'll be dictating what happens and you will wish you'd set your stall out immediately. My MIL's DH (not my DH's DF) would do this all the time, and in the end I was just plain rude to him (as being polite clearly didn't make any difference). It made me feel awful when he - and occasionally MIL - did it. I'd do what Jam recommends: and be firm.

Turn aside to prevent it. Say: 'No. You ask before you take her next time, please'.

She's a rude woman and evidently couldn't care less about offending you. So you should have no conscience about rapping out a brusque rejoinder, and if she becomes offended in her turn, tough. Do it the very next time this happens, and prepare for this by asking yourself 'what's the worst that will happen if I do this?' She'll probably make some sarcastic quip or sulk for a while. The worst is what will happen if you don't act now to stop her unwanted behaviour. If she's allowed to trample over this boundary she will find another, and another, and another ....

Just talk to her. My mil did this a bunch of times and I said to her that the first thing I plan to do when we see her is hand my boy over for Nanny cuddles, but that I don't want him grabbed from me.

She was fine...had a laugh about being such an excited nanna

Of course it is normal for a grandparent to want to cuddle their grandchild. But it is not OK for anyone to take a baby out of their parent’s arms without asking - that is clearly crossing a boundary.

I think it’s just a bit rude, regardless of who is doing it. I have a 4 week old DD and I would think it rude if anyone did it to me. I’d also think it was rude if MIL was holding DD and FIL just lifted her from her without asking, for example, so it’s not about me being possessive.

I wouldn't have an issue with this. In my family we all do this a lot to each other with our baby nephews, nieces, cousins, grandchildren.

Good Lord, she surely doesn't intend to kidnap the child!
I think that the OP does not like her MIL and that is at the root of the reaction, otherwise she would be happy with her holding the baby.
Op you might be grateful for her childcare in the future, so I would trad carefully!

All these people saying they can see it from Granny’s perspective: this used to happen to me, and back then I couldn’t see it from MIL’s POV either, nor with any sense of how being a mother long term (not just the first few months) changes your feelings. I can now.

But still, taking a baby from its mother like this is unacceptable because it’s not ALWAYS just about the baby. Sometimes (although not as often as the MN hive mind would have you believe), it’s also about the mum. At 6mo, with the first baby, I think it’s okay for the mum to not want or like this. Some respect from MIL of OP’s experience as a first time mum wouldn’t go amiss, and won’t damage any bonding or whatever (hate that term). It’s a big deal becoming a mum, bigger than becoming a grandma I’d venture.

Of course, come baby #4, you’re happy to hand them over ASAP

Just say NO.

You can possibly get round it by offering her to cuddle baby, at a time that suits you, with a clear limit on it e.g. "will you hold baby while I make us a cuppa/nip to the loo?" Take baby back as soon as the task is completed.

My DM used to take my baby off me without asking. Once she did it in the supermarket, went to a different aisle when my back was turned. I will never forget the nauseating dread and panic I felt when I turned around and my LO was nowhere to be seen. The selfish insane bitch! I never let her take LO again until he was a toddler!!

I’d open my eyes really widely and tell her: you must not be feeling well.

Would you walk up to someone and just grab a book out of their hands? She doesn't recognise any boundaries when she wants something.

"No she's fine here"

Your baby would not even exsist without you MIL. Why can’t she hold her, your baby is not your possession.