To think that if your DC goes NC with you, there's a good reason for it?

[NCwithyou]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and especially now that I split with my ex.

I never had a good relationship with his mother. I bent over backwards to please her, nothing I ever did made her happy. She would come to the house and think nothing of giving me the silent treatment, whilst happily sitting there speaking to her DS.

She barely has a relationship with one of her adult DDs, the other DD has gone complete NC with her for over 10 years. She openly favours DS6over DD5. DD5 doesn’t feel comfortable around her, because DS gets all the attention when she comes round she feels left out.

However the sun shines out of my ex’s arse though, her DS. The golden child. When I first met MIL, she told me why her DD went NC with her and even at that time I was a bit because what she was telling me , wasn’t a good enough reason for a child to go completely NC with their mother, and her DD has two kids she has no relationship with. They chose to not have anything to do with her.

I’ve never met her DD, so never heard her side of the story but AIBU to think if a child goes NC with you it is for a reason? Something happened whilst they were growing up, or in adulthood that made them want nothing to do with you? I just don’t believe a child who’s had a happy childhood and you’ve been a good mum during their childhood just goes NC with you when they’re an adult because you’ve had a row?

There's two sides to every story but yes absolutely something went wrong along the way for the child to go NC with one or both of their parents, particularly their mother.

Why particularly their mother?

I imagine it was because she treated her own DD like she does yours OP. If she treated your ex like the golden child then 🤷

Daughte don't tend to go NC unless they never really had a relationship with their Mother at all.

@Harebel your mother is generally the person you'll have the strongest bond with for a significant portion of your life. Or at least that is what is 'the norm' for many.

Yes, I think so. At least in the cases I know. Usually lots of abuse and selfishness on the part of the parent(s). Though usually the parents proclaim loudly that they're misunderstood.

Not sure - my older brother suddenly went nc with our whole family with no explanation. He was actually the favourite growing up and there was no falling out. It all happened when he met his now wife. So I don’t know if I agree with your statement.

I agree there's got to be something significantly bad going on if your children completely cut you out of their life

By the way none of us have met his now wife so it’s not like we had mortally offended her or anything.

Interesting that it’s the females she seems to dislike but the males are favoured. Maybe that’s what’s behind it...

In the past I would have agreed with the I
OP but within the last year my brother and his wife have fallen out with our parents and my other siblings.
My parents didn't do anything to deserve it. It's a very long story but in short my brother and sil accused my parents of bullying and abusing them and of neglecting their kids in favour of the other grandchildren.
Nothing like this happened at all. In fact my parents financially supported my brother and his family for years. It was when their savings ran out and they could continue to pay my brother's rent that the accusations started.
I can't understand why my brother has behaved like this. Sil has a lot of issues with her parents and she's definitely been an influence but still my brother has made these choices himself.
My parents are very good, kind people and this situation has been so difficult for them. They really are innocent.
So in this case my brother is a person who had a good upbringing by great parents who has gone NC because of one (huge) row.

No I don't agree, there are always 2 sides to a story and the parents are not always at fault.

I would've agreed with you until I read some of the ridiculous, petty reasons people give on here for going NC

DH is NC with his parents and he had a fantastic childhood.

The breakdown in relationship was over about 8 years. Favouritism between grandchildren played a huge part as did my SIL who seemed to resent any time that IL’s spent away from her own child. Visits became fewer and fewer and It literally got to a point where they would visit for 10 minutes and make their excuses before they even walked through the door and to be honest we didn’t want them there anyway by that point.

One day it became too much. DH decided to go NC and they didn’t fight him on it. That was 3 years ago now.

IME it takes a lifetime to get to that point. In my situation, I was sick of being treated like I didnt matter, and it had got to the point where I realised that my childhood and links to her were the reason I was Ill, and was contributing to my self esteem being through the floor.

I used to cry myself to sleep that I was just not loved by my mum. It didnt matter how good I'd been. Now at 28 I've not had her in my life for 5 years. My daughter is 11. And I am seeing that many of the decisions she made for me were because she simply didnt give a fuck and that o should have stopped contact with her some good 5 years before
So no. I'd not say it's usually overnight.

Sometimes people are just incompatible, the fact that they are blood relatives doesn't mean that you have to endure them

No I dont agree.

Well you know her so you are probably quite well placed to see whether the NC is about her behaviour.

From reading threads in here DC going NC with parents it us usually because of many years of unacceptable behaviour by the parent/s.

I am currently very low contact with my DF I know that at some point something will happen that will push me to being no contact if the current pattern of behaviour continues. I also know that thing won't necessarily be a big thing, it won't probably be a big enough thing to make people understand my choice but what very few will understand is it isn't that one thing... but that this one thing is the straw that broke the camels back. He can tell everyone I am unreasonable for my choice but anyone in the know who has been there with me will understand the truth of the situation.

You have only heard what your ExMIL has said but I can almost be sure that what you have heard isn't even 50% of what made her DD go no contact. It's not an easy thing to cut a parent off in my experience, I don't believe anyone does it lightly so for me massive alarm bells ring if I hear that someone has been cut off by their child. So there may not have been a row but YANBU to think that there is a reason to make such a drastic decision.

I'm just not sure, i think it could be (in general) an abusive childhood with an abusive parent, a huge mismatch of personalities, or perhaps a very selfish and petulant adult child. I'm sure each case is different.

I don’t agree.
DH’s emotionally unstable sibling plays hot and cold and cut off MIL for 5 years nobody knows why.

Yanbu. People probably say my situation is the same as Frenchboule's ILs, a lot of parents put so much more effort into their image than their relationship with their child and can be downright cruel behind closed doors. Others may not see it but there is always a reason

I think it is very hard for the people involved to really see what is going on.

I've been a bystander and observed several families that are low or non-contact. I feel that I'm mostly impartial.

Drink/drugs/crime involvement by children seem to be the main reason why parents are non-contact with children.

Parents and siblings seem to always blame children's spouses or significant others for all family problems. They never look to their own actions. Parents can be overbearing and refusing to accept their children are adults and have their own lives. They won't let their children be adults. It seems to be the younger siblings that suffer most. Parents can hurt their children by having obvious favourites. They label one the bad seed.

I think it's mostly the parents to blame. Even when the children are out thieving etc I generally think the parents are apathetic and copping out of their responsibilities.

I agree with some of the other posters. It’s usually built up over many many years, usually of extremely poor behaviour from their parents. On one hand their parents may give them what they need in terms of material things, but in other ways completely undermine their children’s self esteem. This is how it was in my household growing up. Never feeling good enough, always being told your were stupid, ugly, fat, thick etc etc. you get the picture. Then they would act shocked that I wasn’t confident in myself. My relationship with my parents never fully recovered.

How could this possibly be true, unless you think children are always right and parents are always wrong?

I am low contact with my family, my mother plays a huge part as to why.

However, I don't think think you can generalise across the board.