To think that if your DC goes NC with you, there's a good reason for it?

[NCwithyou]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and especially now that I split with my ex.

I never had a good relationship with his mother. I bent over backwards to please her, nothing I ever did made her happy. She would come to the house and think nothing of giving me the silent treatment, whilst happily sitting there speaking to her DS.

She barely has a relationship with one of her adult DDs, the other DD has gone complete NC with her for over 10 years. She openly favours DS6over DD5. DD5 doesn’t feel comfortable around her, because DS gets all the attention when she comes round she feels left out.

However the sun shines out of my ex’s arse though, her DS. The golden child. When I first met MIL, she told me why her DD went NC with her and even at that time I was a bit because what she was telling me , wasn’t a good enough reason for a child to go completely NC with their mother, and her DD has two kids she has no relationship with. They chose to not have anything to do with her.

I’ve never met her DD, so never heard her side of the story but AIBU to think if a child goes NC with you it is for a reason? Something happened whilst they were growing up, or in adulthood that made them want nothing to do with you? I just don’t believe a child who’s had a happy childhood and you’ve been a good mum during their childhood just goes NC with you when they’re an adult because you’ve had a row?

Sorry but I think you can be a good mum and it all go to hell in a handcart when your kid(s) become teenagers.

The mother tends to get the blame either way.

I have a friend whose adult daughters have recently gone very low contact with her & it has devastated her. She was always there for them until she got remarried (when they were in their 30’s) and moved countries & one of her daughters has said in an email that she is disappointed her mother isn’t there to help her day to day & they can’t cope with her visiting anymore.

She feels very used - they were happy for her to be there to look after their small kids for months on end but now because she’s living her own life she’s being ignored.

I don’t obviously know the dc’s side of the story but it’s heartbreaking to see my friend go through this

I don’t think you can generalise. There were periods of my childhood up to early 20s when my Mum was awful to me but was then OK until i had kids myself in my thirties.

Something in her seemed to go crazy and I was no contact with my Mum for 5 years after a series of events in which I was screamed at and verbally abused whenever I saw her over a period of about 13 years.

We broke contact when she accused my husband of being an incestuous paedophile.

I was persuaded to get back in contact because she is in her 80s and my stepfather is dying. More as a favour to my only sibling who lives in the Far East.On the whole she has behaved herself, though there was an incident recently in which she repeated her previous behaviour.

Yep I agree. With any family member really. Many people try to convince themselves their children had no good reason but if we actually stop to think for a moment it just isn't true! The vast majority of people do not wish to cut off their family. It makes life SO MUCH harder. It's fewer people to turn to in a crisis, to support you, to be involved in children's lives etc. But many people tell themselves that isn't the case. And sadly this means their NC child will never change their mind.

How could this possibly be true, unless you think children are always right and parents are always wrong?

Indeed, the world is full of all sorts and most people aren't very self-aware.

I've seen how adult children start to remember how horrible their mother was to them growing up just around the time when said mother can no longer cook for them and might need some support. I've also seen some horrible parenting where I would cheer their children on if they cut off contact.

My OH is no contact with his parents after years of putting up with extremely unreasonable behaviour. It affected his mental health massively and when our DC was born it became unbearable. He went NC after an incident where he wouldn’t do as they demanded so they started to threaten to tell people and our child he was a drug user who was an unfit dad, you only have to meet my OH to know it’s absolutly untrue but the fact they would attempt to destroy him as a person and a dad was enough to never speak to them again.

He has bumped into people who know both him and his parents and no one has ever said anything bad to him, either they have said it’s nothing to do with them and chatted to him like normal or even told him their story of having to go NC which has helped him. We have heard, however that they like to shout loud how vile we are for banning them from our home and children (they conveniently forget to mention they’ve had a warning from police for abuse to us caught on cctv) and I’m sure people will think me and my OH are just awful people which used to upset me but not anymore, we know the truth.

For this above reason I do tend to be slightly biased and think there must be something massively wrong to go NC and I do feel sympathy for the child. Maybe I shouldn’t but I don’t judge now after seeing how different people can act behind closed doors.

Families are forced together and unfortunately not all will get along.

I think some people are more reasonable than others, some less, some more forgiving, some less, some have long memories, some short. People are different.

I have reasons enough not to speak to my DM, but I do. And my SIL is NC with her DM for reasons I would consider petty. But it’s her call.

On the other side of the coin though in a job I worked in years and years ago I did used to work with a lovely lady and her son would come along and the way he spoke to her in front of me, I wouldn’t have blamed her for one second to go NC with her son. It was absolutely revolting, sweating at her and bullying her. It does work both ways, I wouldnt judge anyone.

"He was actually the favourite growing up"

Being branded the favourite or golden child is still being manipulated within a toxic relationship.

I've known the "golden child" to go NC because your Parent is supposed to be a support and guide you, wgich includes telling you straight when you are in the wrong. If you are being wrongly told that it's everyone else and not you it's extremely damaging.

Other family members who play into tgis are supporting the toxicity. If you try to keep in contact they become flying monkeys.

I have been NC with my Dad basically since I was 19. Parents split when I was a baby, growing up I saw him every weekend and always thought he was a fantastic Dad. He took me abroad every year, bought me lots of stuff, took me to cool places, paid for extravagant birthday parties etc. Really spoilt me, total Disney Dad now I have the adult perspective.

When I was 19 he just seemed to change overnight. He stopped contacting me so much, stopped visiting all together (he moved 250 miles away when I was eight). I eventually contacted him to ask why on Earth he was acting so cold towards me and he basically gave me a passive aggressive ‘sorry you feel that way’ type of response. I dropped contact there.

Two years ago my DH actively encouraged me to get in contact with him so we could all have a relationship with him (I have four children now). He did meet my eldest before he dropped contact but he was a baby so obviously didn’t remember him. I had always wanted my Dad to have a relationship with them but I couldn’t be bothered chasing him for one.

Anyway I travelled to London with DH and we met up with him for a coffee. It was awkward, given it was the first time I’d seen him in almost a decade and I basically realised how self absorbed he was... He just spoke about himself the whole time, we could barely get a word in edgeways.

Anyway, I gave him another shot and again travelled down with my then three DC in tow. Had a great day with him, they thought he was as fun as I’d always found him. But that was it, that was the last time I saw him or really heard from him. We passed a few emails back and forth but eventually he stopped responding so I left it. Haven’t heard from him for 18ish months, have a baby now too who he’ll maybe never meet.

I couldn’t tell you why he’s acted this way, I’ve given up wondering. When I did ask why he’d acted like this he sent me a very long email all about himself, not one apology for being crap towards me or anything. I think he may be narcissistic in all honesty.

Sorry, that was long but wanted to say it’s not always due to childhood problems, sometimes just happens in adulthood.

There is usually a reason for it but the reason isn't always simple and isn't the same in every case. Examples, parent actually is abusive, narcissistic etc., mental health problems in parent, mental health or addiction problems in adult child, alienation by a third party (SIL, DIL, other parent after a divorce), etc. etc I see a welcome change on MN which used to tend to jump to conclusions.

No, sadly sometimes it is the child so I don't agree with your statement.

@Ponoka7 I see what you are saying but in my case I wouldn’t have called my brother the golden child as such as there was no scapegoat figure, but he was very much my mum’s precious first born. I see my parents as human beings who of course like any others have their faults, but in no way could you say we had a toxic upbringing. My brother has a history since being a small child of dropping people/groups of people when they no longer have any use for him, which is in complete contrast to the values my parents tried to instil in us. Some people are just wired very differently and it doesn’t mean the parents must always be the ones at fault.

From what I’ve witnessed, I’d be inclined to agree. When it comes to someone as close as your mother, there’s always more allowances for unacceptable behaviour where it wouldn’t be as likely tolerated elsewhere.

My partner has recently gone NC after 25 years of pure shit has has ruined him and he still accepted it won’t be NC forever.

Dh and his brother have been LC and then NC with their Mum since 2011. Dh was just in his 50s and his db late 40s. She accused us en masse ( bar the grandsons) of stealing, lying, and then threatened to take us to court when she couldn't get her own way over dfil's will. Once you are threatened with legal action, I would suggest the relationship is dead. She has also lied about us and what happened to family and her wider community.

I don't agree that it is always the parents fault.

I know a couple of adult DC that have tried to use their parents (financially) and emotionally blackmail them for money, by threatening not to allow them to see their GC.

One woman said her DS was scary and intimidating, he eventually went NC when she refused to give him any more money.

It's not always a straightforward situation.

Agree that there's lots of reasons why a good parent would go NC with their child. For example of my kids was an addict and kept on stealing from me or risking my or their siblings safety I would go NC until they were ready for help.

It's not unheard of for a new partner of the child to alienate them from family so that it's easier to trap them in an abusive relationship.

There have been a lot of threads on here about grandparents providing childcare, others about how grandparents should provide deposits for house purchases.
@Coyoacan

I've seen how adult children start to remember how horrible their mother was to them growing up just around the time when said mother can no longer cook for them and might need some support.
Your comment is so true I have seen this myself.

Grandparents are your parents and grandparents to your children. They are not childminders or moneylenders or servants who clean your house while doing the childminding.
Some parents expect all that and more and no matter how much is done or provided for them they are never satisfied. Then they get all huffy if the parents/grandparents actually dare to ask them for the least wee bit of help. Then suddenly comes the tales of the bad childhood while lauding the parent or other persons who were not even there or paying for their childhoods.

Sometimes the parent no longer falls for the gaslighting/abuse, but the children still do. Parents that do that often seize their opportunity during the teenage years, once they're less work and very amenable to being showered with presents and holidays and 'you're a grown up now, you can see what she's like and why I used to kick seven bells out of her when she tried to stop me beating you and how would you like to come and live here because she treats you like a slave/cash cow? Of course, to free yourself from her clutches, you can't possibly have any contact with her ever again, you're grown up enough to make that decision', etc.

I'm NC with my mother.

If you listen to my mother's side of it, she doesn't know why, she's so hurt by it, I'm keeping my grandchildren from her. She's done so much for me and given me so much. All she wants is for us to put the past in the past and move forward.

My side. She was emotionally abusive and manipulative for my entire life. Everything has strings attached. She holds a grudge FOREVER. We must always forget her past indiscretions, but everyone else's must be forever remembered and used against them always and without warning. She will drag other people into a disagreement and will manipulate them until they have turned against you also. Everything has a price and she will spend large amounts of money to buy affection and loyalty, and this will be reminded regularly.

There'll be multiple reasons. Don't listen to she who shouts loudest. The silent one is telling you everything you need to know in a much more dignified way.

If people are persistently manipulative then cutting them out maybe the only way to deal with them, whilst you continue to engage with them every interaction just provides feedback about how better to manipulate you.
as I see it there are only two options
1 continue to play the game and try to out manoeuvre them
2 walk away

One party has always done something, not always the parents of course and not always something that outsiders are going to sympathise with. Children could very well perceive they have been wronged - for example all the posts on here about unreasonable parents who won’t look after the grandkids 9-5 every day or sell their house so their child can have their “inheritance” early, which is then taken as an absolute sign that the parent never loved them. It often seems to be a disparity between the way their siblings have been treated - mum looked after my nieces but won’t look after mine.

It’s a pretty big thing to go NC/LC though, and society tends not to understand it. It’s hard for most people who have a halfway decent, supportive family to understand that not only is yours not like that but they’re so bad to you that it’s damaging.

For me going LC was a means of self preservation. Once I had my own child I realised how much they had (and continued to) undermined me at every turn, used me as an emotional crutch and also as the scapegoat whilst continually insulting my intelligence, appearance and badmouthing me to anyone who would listen. My life improved 100x overnight when I made that decision. They can’t understand why I stay away as much as possible, and use it as further proof of all the bad things they say about me to others.

Sorry I posted on completely the wrong thread there - have reported. Ignore my irrelevant ramblings!

I would think that normally there would be a reason. However, my DSis went NC with my DM years ago for the most trivial of reasons and without even telling her there was a problem. So that has changed my mind and made me realise not to just make assumptions about the DM.

Sometimes the person who goes nc is at fault.