To think that if your DC goes NC with you, there's a good reason for it?

[NCwithyou]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and especially now that I split with my ex.

I never had a good relationship with his mother. I bent over backwards to please her, nothing I ever did made her happy. She would come to the house and think nothing of giving me the silent treatment, whilst happily sitting there speaking to her DS.

She barely has a relationship with one of her adult DDs, the other DD has gone complete NC with her for over 10 years. She openly favours DS6over DD5. DD5 doesn’t feel comfortable around her, because DS gets all the attention when she comes round she feels left out.

However the sun shines out of my ex’s arse though, her DS. The golden child. When I first met MIL, she told me why her DD went NC with her and even at that time I was a bit because what she was telling me , wasn’t a good enough reason for a child to go completely NC with their mother, and her DD has two kids she has no relationship with. They chose to not have anything to do with her.

I’ve never met her DD, so never heard her side of the story but AIBU to think if a child goes NC with you it is for a reason? Something happened whilst they were growing up, or in adulthood that made them want nothing to do with you? I just don’t believe a child who’s had a happy childhood and you’ve been a good mum during their childhood just goes NC with you when they’re an adult because you’ve had a row?

my life improved 100x overnight
And there's the thing, we can go back and forth over who's in the right who's in the wrong but when you make that decision and suddenly a weight is lifted and you feel free ...🎈
Well that's your answer isn't it?

Most people feel it is ok to cut ties when a friendship no longer works or a relationship no longer works, but with family members there is often that inner sense of prohibition and we struggle on, grinding each other down to nothing 😣

Another disagreeing with you. My brother has cut out most of the family for no other reason than he is a selfish twat. I know he'll make contact with some family at Christmas so his boys still get presents

Suzie q that's so sad.

My dh has similar relations.
Who wants to spend time with people like that!

There will be a reason but who can say whether or not it is a good reason. It's like other people's marriages, you don't know what goes on inside. I think a lot of people project and weigh up situations against their own experiences before passing judgment. I do it myself, I try not to, but to a degree it's inevitable. And you are projecting here OP, as you seem to recognise.

I would say the main causes, in the absence of abuse, mental health or addiction issues, are money or a third person becoming involved eg child marries or parent re-marries.

If your brother is a selfish twat maybe the family are better off without him anyway?
point being that if someone says they want nothing to do with you why would you want anything to do with them?

I absolutely dont agree that it is always the parents fault, or the mothers fault if the adult children go NC.
My brother went NC with my mother when he was 22. He was exceptionally close to my mother while he was growing up and there is simply nothing my mother would not have done for him. She absolutely doted on him.
My brother has been shown nothing but love and kindness, however he is on the spectrum, has zero empathy for anyone, cannot form relationships, doesnt give eye contact, doesnt show affection at all and measures his value in how much he can earn.
He views life in black and white terms, there is no such thing as mitigating circumstances ever, for anything.
He has never articulated to anyone why he suddenly chose to cut my mum out of his life. He has never explained to anyone, which in many ways has made it so much harder to bear.
My mother says she honestly has no idea why he suddenly chose to cut her off and I believe her, we grew up in the same house, spent most of our time together, and if anything, my mum has been too soft with us both.
Sadly, it is now my brother who is the most affected after all of these years.
He is still so angry with my mother, but wont attempt to explain why. He claims he will only be happy when she is dead.
So all of our lives have been affected by something no one is aware of.
Family gatherings are a nightmare, my brother tends not to attend.
My mother is not perfect by any means, but if she is at fault at all, it is for spoiling us both too much.

I understand that it's not always the parents fault, the children are at fault sometimes. But in my case without even hearing exMIL DDs side of the story, I know for a fact MIL plays a HUGE part in why her DD wants nothing to do with her.

She's cold towards all the women in her family, but worships the men. I've been with her son for 8 years and she would 'pop round' 4-5 times a week. So I know a lot about her. In the beginning I just thought, ok maybe we just don't get on and that's fine. Given everything that's happened in those 8 years, she made my 5 year old DD feel so uncomfortable around her that she once asked me "why doesn't nanny love me", she will slag her DDs off to her DS, when she has a row with the DD who speaks to her she will ignore her until DD starts contact again. But with golden boy, if they ever argue and he ignores her for days, she will call/text nonstop. It's funny now that I think about it, I've realised silent treatment is normal in this family. My ex would ignore me for days when we argued, and he would only start contact again once I caved in. Such a toxic family, and I'm glad I got out. I'm just saying that in my case, I can see why her DC would go NC with her.

I also want to add, exMIL had no female friends. Only a male friend she would see here and there, doesn't speak to her sisters or mother. She had a excellent relationship with her brother though, who died a few years ago, see a pattern here? She was a man leeching with, and I'm glad she's not in my life about more.

No I disagree. I love my sister but she's incredibly highly strung and high maintenance. There's a joke in my family that she could fall out with herself in a phone box. She's currently NC with my mum for a really silly reason and it's really quite upsetting for everyone involved.

Not always, my sister will block family on fb and leave whatsapp groups basically if we don't say what she wants to hear. So far she's always asked to be added again, usually when she needs something, but at some point that might change and she never speaks to us again. I'm sure from her point of view it's a very different story

I don't think anyone ever does these things lightly.

Sometimes there are valid reasons. Sometimes parents are abusive or manipulative. Sometimes children are ingrates who use removal of themselves and their DCs from their parents' lives as a form of punishment, or a means of manipulation. And sometimes people just don't get on. There is no guarantee that shared DNA is necessarily going to make you like a person, or they you.

But one thing I've observed is that it's those parents who are aware they've screwed up, or at the very least acknowledge mutual blame for the breakdown and genuinely want to make amends more than they want to be 'right', who probably stand the best chance of eventually repairing the relationship.

Nearly always, it's that sub-set of parents who claim they have no idea why their children have cut them off who are the real problem.

I suspect most of them know fine well.